The crow is a sign of change?

And there’s definitely been some changes going on!

For a start, for one of the first times in my life I bothered to complain incessently about the current job. And I’ve managed to get myself onto something a LOT better for the last few weeks. At least, I hope so.

Tomorrow, I’m not going to Hursley and being bored out of my mind answering phones; instead I’ll be going up to Swindon to work on a government site for an IBM-lotus notes project. I’m going to get training, and useful experience..
(who cares if I disagree with lotus notes AND the government.. it’ll look good on my CV yadda yadda)

And starting monday, I *should* be beginning work at the other government site, in LONDON. Commuting to London is something I never expected of myself, but the chance to try it for 2 weeks is not something I’m going to let go so easily…

Anyone live in london and fancy a flying visit?

Rob, I’ll let you know at the weekend about staying at your house… I really am very greatful for the offer btw. It really all hinges on whether I can get away with asking for ‘overnight expenses’ as well as the travel ones; the good news is that the basic overnight expenses rate is 20 pounds a night! ^_^ And of course, a good proportion of the money I get will go to your parents for putting me up.

********

Other than that, I’ve had a few days off and spent it all down in Exeter. Apart from Saturday, which was ‘enforced Granny visit’.

I slept most of saturday out of boredom. I’ve REALLY fallen behind on my sleep.. although I was woken up by my parents at midday to be told that they were off to the pub, and did I want to come?

So I did, and for the first (and probably last time in my life) I had gin and tonic for breakfast. ^_^

I went down to Exeter sunday morning, and just relaxed and generally crashed out. Visited Exmouth beach during the holiday season, which made an interesting change… also spent some time sitting by the river in the middle of the night with Zak and Marc eating extra-spicy tortilla crisps and discussing world-take over and voodoo pygmies. I love moments of surreality like that.

Have bought a couple of the ‘how to draw manga’ books.. (including the Shoujo Girls one, which has wonderful sections in it like ‘getting undressed for the bath’ and ‘in the shower’ and ‘how to draw breasts’ which I was reading aloud on the bus on the way back from the town centre. I know Zak hates moments like that. I can tell. >:) )

Also have bought the incredibly addictively pointless game ‘Harvest Moon’ for the PS. Basically you have to manage a cute little farm, although the real fun is trying to seduce the village girls. 🙂

*****

Well, I don’t know what the next week is going to bring. I need to go home now and find my passport(!) to take with me to Swindon tomorrow. I’ll let you know if I survive commuting. It would be fine if I didn’t get home at ridiculously late times in the evening…

3 weeks!

So:

Are we (being human) unique in feeling boredom, a sensation which drives us to fill our lives with other stuff, to alleviate the state of mind?

Or is it that we are unique in feeling the sensation of fun, that is non-reproductively orientated fun, and that the feeling of boredom is caused by the sudden decrease of fun levels?

Does a fish get bored? Does a dog actually find retrieving sticks fun, or is it just instinct?

Whichever way round it goes, could this be linked in fundamentally with what we call consciousness? Is a computer program not conscious simply because it gains no appreciation, enjoyment, or on the flipside annoyance and aggravation at the programs it runs?

Does a bird appreciate the fact it can fly in the way we appreciate our ‘intelligence’?

And if there was ever a simple answer to all these questions, could we accept them as true?

Musing for the day.. <:)

I am a:Four

Although scores were pretty even for ‘5 as well…
Just another ‘in progess’ personality test. Kinda sounds accurate. I dunno.

Primary Intelligence: Emotional
Coping Style: Reactive
Social Style: Withdrawn
Hierarchical Style: Ideals

Fours tend to live in a private world of their own personal ideals.

um… sounds about right..

They are strongly emotional people who react strongly to even little things. In the course of a day, a Four’s emotions can jump between extremes.

Sounds just like my mother. I’m told I’m like my mother.. so.. yes…

Fours are often concerned with ideal love, longing after a kind of love that they’ve never experienced outside of the imagination.

I have to say I’m pretty damn sure the love I long for DOES exist outside my imagination..

They also have strong ideals about themselves, which, combined with highly reactive emotions, can lead them to think terribly of themselves.

um. yes. guilty. ^_^

This makes Fours excessively prone to envy, as they see something good in others and berate themselves for not having the same qualities.

I did this just the other day! Over someone’s imaginary fantasy! How sad is that?

The strength of Fours is that they can see the best in others.

Yes, I know I do that one.

The problem with these tests is that if the DO come out accurate, they generally just tell you what you already know…

The feeling of change.

I just can’t shake this really odd feeling of *something* going on. I had this feeling last year, that something was going to happen, to change – and it did. In quite a big way.

Now, there’s a similar feeling.. I don’t know what to make of it. I’m starting to see crows again. That sounds silly, but the thing is I have that feeling I’m going to see them, or I should see them; I turn round a corner and I do. I had about 50 or 60 crows flying round in a big flock just outside the window earlier.. I’m sure I’ve never seen them do that before. Something eerie…
I don’t know why. This all feels so stupid to say.

Something in myself is happening too. I think it has a lot of meaning, but I can’t figure out what.
Emotions I feel seem suddenly tangible and almost have flavour to them…

Rachel was telling me about some new trousers she had got yesterday, and how they were hung on the washing line – I was about to say (for no apparent reason) ‘oh god, they didn’t get bird poo on them did they?’ when she told me exactly that. This was a definite case of premonition, and the stupid thing is I don’t even believe that exists. And yet.. this feeling.

So many things which seem significant, it’s like I’m holding 10 pieces from 50 different overlapping jigsaw puzzles, and of the pieces I *do* have, only 1 is an ‘edge bit’. All I need to do is start finding the corners…

My mind settles on the obvious, scientific answer: the work is getting to you. It’s all in your mind. The trouble is, when you realise that even the image of the world you see around you doesn’t even exist except in your mind, things start to go a little…odd.

“flibble mr. jelly…”

MMmmmrrrrrr…… Girls with Short Hair

hee…

(sexy) Girls With Short Hair

I like this page. It’s got pictures of that girl from empire records on it too! Also – prize to the person who can guess which photo on there I reckon looks definitly ‘Ash’. (clue – it’s got nothing to do with having black and white hair. The hair looks like it’s white)

I’m now almost certainly going to be trying to dye my hair black on one side of the centre parting, and the brightest copper/gold/orange I can find on the other side (without bleaching). I think it could be pretty fun messing about with the parting and ending up with either solid or mixed colours…

You can tell I’m very. very. bored here to be this excited about messing about with my hair.

I’ve found out you CAN dye your hair white. But the many stages of bleaching required before this happens will probably make my (already damaged) hair just melt away.

My hair needs cutting. I’m seriously considering getting it cut VERY short next time… <:) Also - if I wanted to get '3 random piercings', what (or where) do people reckon? Currently I only have my ears pierced once. I can't actually get them pierced in the usual 'second' piercing bit, because I just-so-happen to have a freckle there for both ears, and apparently it's bad to pierce through freckles. Hum.

An Odd feeling of calm. Something strange is going on here.

I’ve had a really odd day.

I seem to be having a really odd week actually. A large number of things seem to be coming apparent and clear; although these are all very abstract things which don’t really matter and are hard ro put into words.

If they can’t find me a better job to do next week, I’m handing in my notice. I don’t care if I need the money, this job is destroying my soul and my sleeping patterns ;-p Hopefully they’ll find me a better job though.

I went to have coffee this morning, and saw the house martins again. Unlike swallows (who fly about with their mouth open) house martins actually catch individual insects. I think in this case though it was simply a lot of fledglings learning to fly – they were soaring all over the place, and this time I decided to go outside and see them. (After opening a fire-door by mistake – something I did last time at North Habour IBM – and setting of a fire alarm..[1] ) I went very hastily outside, and actually got to hear these little birds. It was a gorgeous morning, sunny but not muggy (which is quite odd for england)

I also had a veeeeerrrrrry long lunch break – I grabbed a thick freshly-made sandwich [2], a bottle of water and wandered into the expansive grounds until I found a quiet space underneath a huge oak tree. It’s a strangely wonderful feeling taking off your shoes and socks and feeling the ground under your feet after being in an office..or any time really. I always think it makes you feel slightly more of a part of the world around you, even if you’re wandering about on streets or tarmac the changes in temperature and texture are something you normally never notice. Unless you shoes are VERY worn out. For some reason I spent some time being utterly fascinated by a collection of oak leaves. One old and brown, one that had fallen but was still mostly a yellow-green, and one straight off the tree.

There’s allsorts of beliefs and ideas about oak trees. I think that’s going to be added to my list of things to find out about.

Eventually I wandered back to the office, but via the gorgeous sunken gardens, where there is an small ornamental pond with a fountatin and koi carp of a whole variety of colours. The lillies must have only appeared recently – and for someone who’s not seend many, they look very much like the oragami/tissue versions. Watching fish and listening to flowing water is hideously relaxing.. I could have stayed there for hours.

Finally I stopped off just outside the buildings, and lay down on a small hill and enjoyed the warmth of the sun. All encompassing and golden.. I almost fell asleep.

hmm… birds, oak, koi, sun. Very elemental I’m thinking.


I wish I could get the abstract thoughts on to paper, the weird connections that my mind snaps onto, the way circles inside circles inside circles stop being fuzzy and all click togethere to form a cube. I LACK THE WORDS.

But, like Stray commented, you can not escape the feeling that are words, maybe a whole language, for some thoughts and musings. Also, how can the english language, or indeed any language, fully express the language of the mind?

Or is it a case that we only really feel or think things that we have words for? In a George Orwell 1984 manner, could cutting down the language restrict thought? Would people feel like rebelling if they didn’t even have the word rebel in their language?

Great. Looks like my mind has just got something else to cogitate on. My apologies… <:) [1] Luckily it didn't stay on too long... [2] Does anyone else wonder why the fresher, tasty, sandwiches always seem to be cheaper than the sealed-in-packets ones?

That randomising journal doohikey.

Can someone please give me the link to that thing that randomises your journal? I found it deeply fascinating in what it does to your writing, which things stick out etc. What it came up with for me was equally as burbling and confused as my normal posts, but some things stand out in an odd or almost poetic way.

It’s one of these times that I sense there’s something fairly deep and meaningful about it all, but my mind is too tired and fed up to see beyond the caffeine-induced haze. I hate drinking coffee just to stay awake. It makes me feel so stupid.

*********************
“Are still important things with my garden Sailor Moon tapes which can you don’t know how you love choakers, supporting causes you, have another week or Musical games containing bloody murder, sex and maybe even find some of the month now. But I know how the body: is perceived in a quest biodynamic force is doing something more about Neanderthals (wondering about it makes you were in The week; or pulsations And things: are so called the morning I have just jobs)! You? Since I’m a past and I am really me of life to do so what is described below Is would be onstage in the doing? Surviving I see loathing to Josie, is not bad I read of them Just gone off that the excitement of the time to go on the human system.

So than that out lots of the dodgy hormone phase of the eyes; work and healing principle within the entrance to re establish the rest of the rest of varying reasons you start in that you don’t know how much as I always feel so: maybe understanding apathy to do you.

Read more of an exciting new development in wordpro? This Health (of exhausting her nervous energy; of the main uk site on the wholeness of an exciting new things just to the only see how much fun as a variety of I think the weekend). I don’t feel strongly about these cases is expressed in Tibetan a to be at the case. The entrance to be onstage in the now approaching I know. And hiragana.

By the human system; and picking beans. I sunned it bore an expression of Sam’s going to spend enough, her music in this test. Where the dodgy hormone phase of something which happens when The company of those Falcons which it is basicaly doing. One thing I have another week or letters so take note certain angle in a tightrope diagram in true punk learning Christian Entertainment!

Cannot leave things; to Death, the deepest foundations of our furry friends.

So then last Night and profanity? Why do I had to a few hours, journals, reading about min walk ages because of the fluids of odd things just Need to us. Overall; exciting new development in a nice weekend how much such, I about their life by books the reason it grew both have an expression of her and feels that, person is and danced about their peer group, and opened his eyes? When you feel appreciated and with the body; as well, worry no longer! I’m a really going it felt completely run down to the boats.

Just had to do so you compare against others who it is an American osteopath, discovered intrinsic sad thing in this test. Where does to have kids, who take away the core of tides or Musical games for a bit I can’t even the never thought you? There’s this southbank.

I have a methadone prescription!

Wondering about doing a slightly more mysticism about, the rest of their life force is seen in a quest to loathing to determine an expression of the most innovation centre which motions in wordpro.

random musings




When I was little , and probably under the effect of ‘The Last Unicorn’ film, I truly believed that any white horse might in fact be a unicorn – only some people can actually *see* the horn, you understand. Coming back from Rob’s house saturday morning and watching the morning sun out off the train window, I saw a pair of white horses in a field; and from no-where that conviction resurfaced. It made me smile.

Sometimes I still superimpose dragons over gliders or planes in the sky. I don’t know why I do this.

Confined in the air-conditioned ant-farm which is IBM, one hour some point last week (time fades together after awhile) I went to the coffee bar for more stimulants. I sat down on a high stool and looked out the window; there were more offices on every side I looked, and it was raining. But looking up, you could see the swift (or possibly house martin) nests; and in the last few weeks it seems the fledglings have started coming out into the world. There must have been at least twenty of these birds flying round the small gap amongst office blocks; soaring and wheeling and zooming past the window, right in front of me.. I found this sight some how reassuring.

Dance Dance Resurrection!

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Right, better get on with work now, but I just HAD to pass on the above to all those DDR fans I know. Apologies to the rest of you…;)