blahhhhhhhhhhhhh

They got me first thing this morning. I was pulled out of bed bleary eyed to be put on the phone to family hairdresser who wanted to know what I’d done etc etc. She came round, took one look at my hair and looked awful.

I take some tiny bit of pleasure in the fact that the idea of me wandering about with such awful hair causes extreme amounts of pain to professional hair style people.

I got taken down to a salon in fareham to have my hair corrected. I didn’t really have much choice – it sounds lame, but my mother REALLY hates it, and she’s been good to me lately. She’s got me into some cranial-oestopathy lectures this thursday, and I don’t want to let her down by looking like a freak.

3 and a bit hours later and several chemical applications, and my hair is back to normal. A normal, boring, consistant brown colour. Yes, it looks *better*. But… I feel almost like I admitted defeat somewhere along the lines. Joined the ranks of people who look the same.

Brown is such a flat, sensible colour. I actually *feel* less bouncy already.

On the other hand, now maybe it’s time for me to express my individual and quirky personality through what I have to *Say* rather than the colour of my hair?

The only weird thing is, the relfection og myself in windows and such still seems to be half black/orangey blond. I don’t understand.

I actually had to force myself to eat something today. I’m going off now to make myself eat some vegetables. bleh.

thorn within?

Finished work. Which was good, ‘specially since my last day started with going into the bathroom to find my ‘boss’ in tears.. ^_^

I am so glad to be finished. So glad, that in a knee-jerk reaction I dyed my hair that evening., trying to get Ash-style half black, half white. The black worked… the white went orangey gold. It looks…. unique? cheesey? like a witch? stupid?

My brother thinks it’s great. But then, he’s only 16. hmm

I am so glad I’ve finished. My mind has been left in a tattered state and, like my hair, needs some serious recuperative treatment and some calming down. I’ve had… a few incidences of insanity that were uncontrollable in a quite scary way. Try and push too much into my head, and half of it cuts out, leaving something..else. Hm. will try, maybe, to explain later.
Some people know what I mean.

Sometimes I do consider that I might need actual (psychiatric) help. But then, sometimes I think everyone has there own brand of madness. And the trouble is, mine has too many enjoyable benefits. That and I don’t want to be given pills.

Perceptions change. I’ve recently come to the conclusion that I actually really dislike, almost hate, someone that I used to hold in high esteem. The realisation makes me feel naive, and stupid. For someone so cynical, I can be far too trusting.

My brother got hold of 3/8 (apparently) high quality resin. I gave him 1/8. I need to find out if resin is suitable to put into cooking, and if so, how do you do so??? I pointed out to my brother that cannibis+live yoghurt = LSD is a stupid, scientifically unsound urban myth.

So.

Drawing is happening for a first time in forever. Drawing is improving. Nice.

I’m an idiot at times. Like everyone. Why is it so hard to admitt?

Have Fun. Reduce stress.

*grins*

This was so good, I had to post it as an actual entry. Cheers marc!

I’m feeling a lot better today. But I could really do with some pain killers.. (I wanted my period to start, I got my wish.. 😉 ) I don’t think I’ve ever had cramp which woke me up and didn’t let me get back to sleep before! ^_^

I had fun this morning, pointing out all the flaws in the documentation to the person who wrote it >:)

***Marc’s comment***

Have Fun. Reduces stress.

Good ways include:

1. Planning strange and ingenious ways to destroy your workplace/kill your boss using only the objects within arms reach.

((ooh, I have an empty mug of hot chocolate, a mobile phone, a drawing pin, and a tiny pair of minature china clogs on a keyring. *Thinks*))

2. Finding all the places in the building where no-one has been for decades, figuring out why and discovering the identity of any skeletal remains found within.

(1+2=)3. Lure boss into said area after cunning creating a trap using only blueberry jam, candyfloss and a jar of rotting pickles.

4. Create a mental list of all the insane, crazy and fun things you’re (we’re) going to do once you leave and rate them for each category. Compare this to a list of things your boss will be doing at the same time, and laugh.

5. There is no point 5 (well, no point at all really) I just typed this before thinking of something to say and blanked out.

6. Find a way to find this amusing.

Right, that should keep you busy. And remember, if you feel the urge to jump infront of a train, push small children instead and laugh at their confused, frightened faces as you you shout “look out! Bus!”

ARGH!

aaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I still HAVEN’T done ANYTHING at ALL AND I AM ((wondering if I could))JUST going HOME ((because no-one would actually notice if I did))WHAt the FuCK((am I doing here in the first place and))WHY THe HelL HAVEN’T I((started my period yet, these hormones are far too unstable)) GOT ON A TRAIN((to some place where I’m needed))

bleh.

I am not living in the real world. I’m living in the sleep deprived, caffinated dream world of monday to friday boredom.

I could just sit here, and do nothing, and be paid.

I could just walk out, and never come back. What would actually happen then? To all the forms, and rules, and pay, and resume and CV and STUFF>?

I could say that I might as well not bother coming in..(since I could just take my vacation days (and I could not tell my manager I have done so, and hope in the disorganised confusion of IBM that no-one notices, or gives a damn, and I eat my cake as well as get it.(or would that just be devious and wrong?)))

I want to see the sky. (and not just that relfected in the windows of the office blocks outside.)
I want to see the sun. (more than when it rises and when it sets).
I want to have coped with this all better than I am (aah, the pain of discovering new weakness)
I want to not have to DRINK to counteract the COFFEE so I can RELAX at home(does alcoholism and caffeine addiction cancel each other out?)

*sigh*
okay, that helped somewhat. REMINDER TO SELF: next year, try and get a job at the RSPCA shelter instead. A paid one this time.

“Greetings now from Shitsville…”

The weekend I was alive. I saw london from a different angle – light and colour and excitement, camden and waterloo and soho. Even the underground is different and brighter when you’re in a crowd of friends rather than silent strangers.

((The bed of Rob’s parents is the most comfortable in world. I really want a double bed, right now, here, in the office. ))

We all went to a noodle bar, which was fun (and filling).

Already I can feel my brain melting into boredom and apathy. There is nothing left to do here, I made the mistake of being too efficient last week.

Zak got the train up to london with me this morning; falling asleep in his arms is so much easier than on the side of the seats. When we got here, we went for a coffee and then I took him to Oxford Circus *just* to show him the coffee machine I want to get. This was the ultimate in procastination (or is it prevarication?) I almost got swept away by london again, but went into work at 11 and haven’t done anything since.

This is my last week. I can make it to Friday.

I feel like I’ve given away part of myself on every rush-hour tube journey I had last week. By thursday, I kept getting this weird urge to just throw myself infront of the oncoming tube, and I don’t know why. It’s not even that it was suicidal at all – more that the whole thing feels like one fuzzy dream, and nothing can really hurt me unless I don’t make myself wake up *soon*

I’ve learnt so much in just the last months. Or maybe it’s just that my perceptions have shifted again, things I never saw before seem so obvious now. The weird thing is that it’s exactly the *obvious* things that I never seem to see. I wonder how true that is for people in general..?

My Job.

“Government Gateway – no smoke without fire?”

I heard about this monday morning. This is all to do with my job, this is! Hah! I’m indirectly famous in a geek journal! (I *think* thats good?)

What the article doesn’t say is the bit that caught fire is the bit the government *gave* cable and wireless, expressly telling them that it was important that they used *that* bit of equipment.

It also doesn’t mention the amusing fact that only about 6 people have access to the cage ther servers are kept in. I wonder if the firebrigade had to go through security clearance? 😉

“Do not throw away a dull gem for a piece of sparkling glass”

(said Marc)

So. Dull gem – the boring admin job than nonetheless was easy and got me home at a reasonable time and I had friends to talk to
Sparkling glass – this fragile exciting job I’ve taken now working for the cabinet office, which sounded great, and IS great, but means I have to join the hordes of zombies during london rush hour, and don’t get home till 7:30pm.

OR
Maybe the dull gem was this london job, infact. I very nearly almost gave it up this morning, almost got on a train that would take me in the opposite direction. Its causing me to loose sleep, and money and probably mental health too. But… it’s probably the best thing that’s happened to me. It’s extremely valuble in terms of life experience, although I might not value that until I look back in a month or so.
In this case, the sparkling glass would be to say I don’t *need* to do this. I could be somewhere else, outside, enjoying the sun, getting sleep. But going for that option, getting on that train to the countryside with my tail between my legs would be nothing short of admitting defeat. Like glass, future self esteem would shatter.

Marc, that may or may not have helped 😉

Other news:

Seriously considering buying pro-plus and putting it my morning coffee just to get me through the day. This is a bad thing.

My bank situation is now pants. I have around 500 pounds, half of what I need before I go back to university. I’m trying not to dwell on the fact I’ve worked so hard all summer for, ultimately, so little.

On the plus side, being up to see the morning sun is wonderful. I saw a fox trotting down the rail today. Every day I come here, I confirm that I can, infact, do things I never expected of myself.

….Hibiscus.

Right. In an effort to get some sleep tonight, and to try and wean myself of caffeine a bit, I’ve walked past the filter coffee (mm…so hot..and dark..and luxurious and smooth…) and gone for a herbal tea.

*pause*

It’s supposedly Grapefruit flavour. Smells vaguely like it. But mostly, it smells and tastes and looks like




Hibiscus and Rosehips. ARGH!!


*pantpant*

I should have learnt. I should have learnt by now… *sob*

the mother of all printers..

After some subversive enquiries, I finally found the printer my documents were sent to. It’s huge! It has 8 paper trays! and a built in scanner/color photocopier or something!

and my 3 page document came out double side printed WITH A STAPLE

How does a printer staple a document together? This is just too strange ^O_@^ (images of ‘Terry Pratchett’ style Imps sitting inside with a staple gun and big mug of coffee)

I…need to go home now. Just another 1hr and a half. And then another 2 and a half hours before I get home.

If I fall asleep on the train, I wonder where I’ll end up?

oooh..work.

Better not make this too long, since I actually have Real Work(tm) to do now!

Right now, I’m sitting in the Cabinet Offices in london, writing test scripts for the soon-to-be implemented government lotus-notes network, which connects all 22 departments together, along with number 10.

It’s all scary stuff. There’s all these politics and devious tactics and people who are actually *intelligent*. ooh. On friday I went to a Cable and Wireless hosting site, where they had all these 5-million-pound-a-piece self regulating servers along with a whole load of others housed in a bunker-like system of metal Faraday Cages and finger print scanners. Incidently – those don’t work neally as well as they do in films :). Oh, and Biiiig humming metal cases with ‘danger: 415 volts’ and flashing lights on the outside.

There’s also all this commuting to london business; not something I’ve done before. I have to say, that over all working in a london enivironment, and commuting at rush hour, and spending stupid amounts to buy food is fairly exciting – but I don’t think it’s something I could do for too long without getting worn out.

Apparently, Karoshi(or something like that ;p) is
actually the word used in Japan to describe ‘death from overwork’; there are significant numbers of people dying from it; and some people reckon england might be heading the same way.

Certainly here it’s common place to work all through the weekends. I didn’t get home till 9pm on friday, and that was after a 7:30 start!

Where was I? Oh yes, London. So many people. So many DIFFERENT people. I sit and have lunch at a cafe and watch them all go by, and sip at my overpriced coffee. It could become an addiction, I swear.. (watching people, not coffee. That’s already an addiction).

***
message for exeter lot:

Speaking of which – I’m considering buying an espresso/cappuncino machine for next year – one of the decent ones – however I was wondering if all the people staying with me (other than Sarah, who doesn’t drink coffee) would mind giving me maybe 15pounds towards it for the privilege of having a coffee machine all year? I won’t be able to afford it otherwise… what do people think?
*****
message for Rob:

don’t ever, EVER show me pictures of marine fishing machines the day before my pay cheque comes through. Ever. It’s not fair to tempt me like that!