Head Explodey

yeep. 2 hours concerted Japanese, followed by 2 hours of seminar by Zheng, the very heavily accented lecturuer teaching us about ‘unsupervised learning’. My head feels very stuffed. So this is very randomly disjointed..

Many things to be doing, but right now I’m taking the evening out.

Sort of dealing with new regime of more enjoyment and stuff – now have 2 parties to go to on saturday night!

Really nice moments last night with zak in that we spent about an hour or so as what I can only describe as being ‘completely ourselves’. A very rare moment in that I was at a balance between the two main extremes of my personality, felt calm, happy, unstressed, and generally ‘how I should be’. What was even better was that zak was the same, so I got a reassuring glimpse at who it is that I actually fell in love with in the first place.
It’s quite scary just how different we both are in other situations. I don’t think anyone else can even imagine zak as a deep, thinking, -calm- person, probably in the same way that you can’t imagine me as completely happy and not worried….hmm…. never realised how rare it is to actually be yourself.

So- in continutation of diablo-2 less inspiration Zak and I went to check out the *gym* today! I’M ACTUALLY GOING TO TRY GOING TO THE GYM!!! This is the one chance I’m giving those torture machines, and I’m either going to stick at it and maybe even enjoy getting fit, or I’ll give up with a ‘told you I couldn’t handle gyms’ attitude for good. But I’m actually going to try. woo.

(which may even mean I can acheive life goal #72, ‘not feeling so self conscious of figure that I avoid even -thinking- about wearing a bikini’!) Yeah, it’s not the best reason, but to be honest I don’t so much care about being -fit-, I just don’t want to look so -unfit-. (make sense of that if you can)

Oh, brotherhood of the wolf as a film:
– only actually had one wolf in it, I’m fairly sure the other wolves were actually dogs
– it’s in french
– probably too long
– half of it could be stuck together into a decent actiony/horror/stylish film,
– while the other half makes a pretty damn funny -parody- of a action/horror/stylish film….. so:
– main verdict : watch with an open mind, and you’ll probably enjoy it one way or another (or even both at once..)

Word of the day: Bimbling

So, I’m feeling very good and sweet and angelic right now. It’s probably due, more than anything else, to the two chocolate filled doughnuts eaten in fairly quick succession.. after a week of vegetable stews and toast, my body can’t seem to handle the sugar overdose.

The hiragana test was easy. Now I just need to learn *katakana*…
Rob scared me today because I found out he’s spent the whole day not wearing any underpants, which is a terrifying mental image.

Another not-so-mental image was Kay and Rob cooking. With Rob wearing rubber gloves whilst choping chile, Kay cutting up chicken into insey-wincey slices, and the two of them sharing pink, *californian* wine, they looked like such a couple. 🙂

Back to feeling good about things – I actually got all my Japanese work done today, rather than in a rush tomorrow morning. This, I believe, is a direct association with the lack of Diablo 2 to play on instead.

On a completely different note, something really odd is happening to my sleep. Out of the last 4 nights, nightmares of some description or another caused me to wake up during three of them. Other than this, I’ve not had nightmares for ages. The scary thing is that they’re getting progressively ‘worse’ every night, so it’s really getting to point now that I’m actually little scared of going to sleep.

Okay, I’m going out to the cinema to see ‘brotherhood of the wolf’ in a minute as part of my ‘new entertainment regime’.. may even get some free tickets from Carl. *grin* Before I go, here’s some ‘gestalt problems’ for you..

1. You have a square room with a table pressed right up against the walls in one corner. On the table you have a small candle, a box of matches, and some nails. You need to fix the candle to the wall above the table in such a way that wax can not drip on the table. How? (my answer to this one was really obscure, and very incorrect 😉 )

2. You havetwo pieces of string hanging from the ceiling. If you hold one bit of string in one hand and reach across as far as you can go with the other hand, the second string is still a bit out of reach. You need to be holding both bits of string, whilst they are still attached to the ceiling. There is no-one else in the room. You can not use an object to ‘hook’ the other piece of string. How do you do it?

Purging

So far, so good. I’ve realised that once you *start* looking for external reasons as to why you’re so stressed out and worried, you just keep *on* looking. Hence the worry about everything and anything. Now I’ve figured that it’s more of a case of just lack of ‘dealing stuff’, which while not so much my fault but also no-one elses, it’s actually quite a weight of my mind.

In the continuation of removal of addictive detrimental things, I’ve just snapped the Diablo 2 expansion disk in half. (or at least, lots of shards, some of which stuck in my hand..*grin*) It’s not going to cost too much to buy it back again at some point, and I’ve figured that it’s been the main reason that I’ve not got work done so far this term. Far too addictive, and far too time-consuming.

The destroying was, admittedly, sparked off by the fact Zak didn’t remember to take videos back to the library (£6.40 down the drain on his part) on the way to college, and the most likely cause of this the fact he’d spent the morning up until then playing on the game and just forgot.

I don’t want computer games to mess up either of our education this year. Which is why it’s gone. Zak, if you actually read this, I hope you can understand that it was done for a reason, not just out of spite. The effect of that sodding bit of software was out of control.

phew…

Now, I’ve got a good few hours to learn hiragana

Introspection alert

Firstly, this particular post is intended more for my benefit than anyone else’s, since I need to spend some time writing about stuff and generally thinking about things. So, no apologies for distinct lack of anything interesting here. I suggest you skip the whole thing 😉

*****

What’s happened to you?

I’m not too sure. All I know is that I’m different, and not in a good way. I get stressed out so easily now, I’ve been joking about PMT but at the end of the day, it’s not possible to have PMT permantly.

I feel.. emotionally raw. It doesn’t take much to do anything now, not just get stressed. I can just easily get angry, or happy, or manic or bitchy.

I can’t actually recall a day in the last god knows how many months when I’ve not felt some extreme of emotion. And I really do mean extreme. The problem? It’s disabilitating. Like right now I really should be getting some work done; and I simply can’t because all this crap is going round my head.

It will be gone later. But I just keep going round in this circles. I don’t know why.

I’m scared that I’m becoming (or have already become) someone that I actually dislike, or even hate.

Evidence for this; worrying thoughts

Sarah asked me today why I’ve been so stressed and bitchy. In fact, Aidan’s taken to comparing her to me when she’s in a stress.

I worry that I’m being too much like my mother in the worrying/angry/stressing area. My mother worries that I’m actually *worse* than she’s ever been.

Sarah also asked me what I was stressed *about* – and I couldn’t actually say. I just seem to be perpetually stressed and/or bitchy.

I’m actually becoming nastier. I genuinally feel less guilt and care less about people round me. A lot of times I simply just can’t be bothered any more – and I no longer even care.

I HATE PEOPLE THINKING I’M BEING BITCHY AND KNOWING THAT THEY’RE RIGHT BECAUSE I AM.
I never used to be. I used to be so nice. naive perhaps?

Potential explanations and Realisations

This sounds so much of a let down, but I think it was work. I couldn’t actually handle the work at IBM this summer, but I was perhaps too proud to admitt it and give up. Maybe it’s even crapper than that and it’s just I didn’t want to let my dad down?
Commuting to London made me see part of a world that I never wanted to believe existed; actually, not so much see but made me part of. I wasted a summer, and a summer’s worth of money, on letting my brain decay.

I really need a holiday or something.

I’m still sort of proud that I did get through it all, but at the same time it just seemed to have eroded all my ‘dealing’ stuff. (sod trying to put this into proper words). All the way through it, I just kept thinking about everything starting properly at university. That was my support; just looking forward to my life getting better, starting again. Then, the day before I went back, I heard from Zak that he didn’t have the room. He had no-where to stay, rather than being part of the flat. That reality just ripped everything that was left away, and it actually sent me into hysterical sobbing and anger… I calmed down, and used my very last bottom-of-the-barrel ‘dealing stuff’ to deal with that and I think of what to do about it.

since I got to uni, despite the fact that zak homeless problem is going ok with him staying in my room (at least, I say that, when I know we’re really driving each other slowly up the wall) it hasn’t been easy. Maybe I just threw myself into everything too fast. All the problems with food, and cooking for 8 people and joint-food money and what it should be spent on has only really got sorted out now. Aidan crashing into the back of Rachel’s car. The increased volume of 2nd year work that I’m *not* keeping on top of despite all my intentions.

And the ever decreasing amounts of money in my bank, despite the fact I’m really trying to be careful this year, zak should technically be able to help me out but isn’t getting as much money as we thought, and I spent the *whole summer* working just to HAVE money…

I’m shutting up now because I could just go on for ages.

Main realisation: I’ve had to deal with relationship and work of a sort far more mature than I was possibly ready for. Yes, me and Zak has always been something that I feel shouldn’t have happened till I was 25 and with a degree – I don’t know why but it doesn’t seem as simple as some random boyfriend-girlfriend thing. The work I made myself do over summer just fell flat and I had nothing to do. It was so futile. I was assured that going to london would be good, since I would *definitely* have lots of work to do. I didn’t. I was just in the way again – and this time I was travelling 3hours+ a day to do so.

I feel enforced maturity and realisations on the way the world – or at least corporations and governments — work. But, I don’t actually feel mature yet.

I’ve lost something of being a child. I can’t get it back. And try as I might, I can’t stop worrying about things.

What to do

Carry on resisting the urge to get terribly, hideously drunk.

In a similar vein resist the urge to get horribly stoned out of my tiny mind. In fact, I think I should flush the cannibis I’ve got left down the toilet. In *fact* I’m going to do that now…. *brief interlude* Crap. That was at least 1/8th, probably more. I can’t believe I spent money on that shit.

I also can’t believe that only time I’ve felt really relaxed in the last few months is when I got stoned, and I’ve just got rid of my mechanism for doing so. I feel weirdly proud.

Rob and Kay – if you’re reading this, I’m sorry. I would have given it to you if it wasn’t for the fact I’d probably have asked for some back.

What else?

Get my chill-out CD’s back from Sarah, godamit! *Grin*

Keep letting myself laugh at the absurdity, or at least letting myself laugh.

Next time someone tells me to just stop worrying, ask them *how* *grins again*

good.. I feel better now. Cried a bit, got things down on paper, and am making myself laugh.

I need my optimism back. I wonder if there’s somewhere I can part-exchange my copious amounts of cynicism to get some?

Appendix:
Personality disorder test

Whilst going through my old journal entries, I found that dodgy personality disorder test. Out of interest, I did the thing again, and I was a little concerned to see the changes. I don’t feel it’s a valid test per se, but the general increases is a little worrying 😉

Disorder Was… Now…
Paranoid: Low High
Schizoid: Moderate Low
Schizotypal: High High
Antisocial: Low Moderate
Borderline: Low Moderate
Histrionic: Moderate High
Narcissistic: Moderate High
Avoidant: Moderate Moderate
Dependent: Moderate High
Obsessive-Compulsive: Low High

*****

phew.. well, that’s got it all out of my system. I’m feeling positive again. Now that I’ve finally admitted that I have a problem, I can hopefully deal with it.

Another idea – make efforts to spend time doing meditation again, or least have more relaxing baths. And finally, try and adjust my world view so that dirty unwashed plates no longer matter 😉

Edit – just cleared up some problems with that table. Realised my grammer and spelling is awful. Also realised random radio station is not only the uni one, but it appears to be ‘christian union’ hour and I’ve spent it with christian rock in the background. crap! 🙂

meme’s for you.

World’s Smallest Political Quiz has placed me as a ‘Centrist’ –
Centrists favor selective government intervention and emphasize practical solutions to current problems. They tend to keep an open mind on new issues. Many centrists feel that government serves as a check on excessive liberty.

Also – obligatory meme link: http://www.livejournal.com/talkpost.bml?itemid=14939590

Although to be honest, the ideas behind memes in the first place have been hideously screwed by public misconception. At least, that’s my opinion. If you are *really* interested, start researching. You’ll be quite amazed at what you can find; and possibly also the fact that such ‘inhereted cultural units’ were concieved a good 20 years or so before Dawkin’s ‘meme’!

Random thing on love from random journal

I quite like this, so it get’s copied and posted. From
tabriscoonz journal.

“Love” needs more synonyms
I feel like I over use the word love. I tell Billy I love him everyday and I worry that it might get trite and meaningless with time. Like the first time you say it, it’s shocking and wonderful and mind blowing. And then years pass and you get up like my parents who used to say “I love you” up until the day my mom moved out of the house.

And then on the other side of the spectrum there is Billy and I. And saying “I love you” just isn’t good enough to express the feelings I have for him. Passion? I dunno. I think about him everyday, but not in a scary/crush/stalker/ dependant crazy girlfriend type way. It’s more like I feel a certain calm and happiness when he is near me and when he isn’t there, I long for it. :/ I can’t explain without sounding lame. I wish there was a way to express myself without using the L word, which changes it’s meaning daily.

Warm wuzzies, that’s what I feel. Insane joy? I’m just unbelievably happy that I’m not alone, that this concept of love that I’ve up until the past year I have only read about in poems and books really exists. And even in Literature no one can really pinpoint the this thing.

I wish Billy was here right now, just so I could hold him. We could sit near each other and not say a damn thing and I would be the happiest coongirl in the world.

catkin thought: you read something written by another that mirrors or explains something ‘special’ you feel, like love. Does it detract from the uniqueness value of your feeling, or enhance it by confirming it’s realism?

hmm…

and on a completely unrelated note:
TMS was mentioned in a tutorial today. Some sort of magnetic technique for screwing about with neural firing ‘codes’ going on inside brains. Scientists have managed to ‘add’ code into a monkey brain to make it move it’a arm. Even better than that, by pointing this thing (whatever it is, need to investigate further) at the broco’s area in people (to do with language) they just knock the thing out for a bit and shut the person up. Even *better*, they’re conciously aware of the fact they can’t speak. Nice. )

Things generally busy and lethargic

The second year is producing more work than I thought! At some point I’ll stop being so goddam lethargic and actually update this thing properly. In the meantime, I’ll just post these rather random statements for your viewing pleasure. I got sent them just now from my cousin Christina. She’s Irish, if that helps to explain anything.. <:) 1.. Save the whales. Collect the whole set. 2.. A day without sunshine is like, night. 3.. On the other hand, you have different fingers. 4.. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. 5.. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 6.. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 7.. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. 8.. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. 9.. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 10.. Honk if you love peace and quiet. 11.. Remember half the people you know are below average. 12.. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains? 13.. Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool. 14.. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 15.. He who laughs last thinks slowest. 16.. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 17.. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 18.. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 19.. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. 20.. I intend to live forever -- so far so good. 21.. Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back. 22.. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? 23.. Mind like a steel trap -- rusty and illegal in 37 states. 24.. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of. 25.. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. 26.. Support bacteria -- they're the only culture some people have. 27.. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong direction. 28.. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. 29.. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. 30.. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.