Feathers

Every day last week, whilst out wandering about the place, I’d pick up a feather.
It’s hard to say why. I’d just notice them. Just there, in my path. Or off to one side by a statue. Or lying in the grass half hidden.
It’s not that I was looking for feathers. I’ve not done that since my crow-feather obsession a few years ago. But yet, there was something about these “noticed” feathers that caused me to resolutely pick them up and carry them about till I could get them home. I just felt it was something I was supposed to do.
logic screams out that there’s no justification to such thoughts; but recently I’m letting logic slide a little..

What’s special about these feathers? I was trying to figure it out last week. I don’t think there -is- anything special about them. They’re grey, maybe woodpigeon. A couple have a few different shades of grey on them; but that’s all they are. Shades of grey.
Still, I kept them: sticking each one upright in my yucca plant pot (earth and air). And every night I’d forget all about it, and every following day I’d pick up another, for no reason.

This weekend; sunday to be more accurate; I finally achieved resolution (realisation?) on the bizarre emotional dance that occured with paul and I. Some issues resolved, my soul shaken, my heart wounded but not broken. For the first time I saw a relationship from the other side. Simultaneous realisation: I am weaker and less rock solid than I ever thought, but also I have inner strength and dogged stubborness that makes me stronger. For me at least, love has to be there before a relationship. (sometimes the obvious realisations are the hardest…)
But there (may) be another entry about that, for in a different light the whole thing was very, very amusing in a tragic-comedy style fashion. Back to the feathers.

(Incidently: That sunday, sitting down to relax mid-roleplay in woodbury common, I saw a pheasant’s tail feather right by my feet. In contrast to the other feathers, this was complex, beautiful but ragged. It bought to mind images of robin hood hats and roadkill birds. It was duly picked up and put in Marc’s bag..)

Today, while my mind and soul performs some sort of spring clean, my heart feels slightly…sick.. like it has simply a cold, and I know that with a bit of attention it will be fine in a few days. The feathers lay forgotten.

Then, wandering across the grass as a shortcut when returning from a statistics lecture I saw it at my feet: a feather. Smaller than the rest, but a well defined flight. The marked difference though is the colour: white.

It’s stained in places, and in need of serious preening. A pure, if slightly unclean on the surface, white feather. (angel?)

Contrast. It comes down to contrast. And retrospective meaning. To find this feather, today, after the confused blankness of grey and complexity of pheasant, has followed the pattern of both emotions and spirit.

You can find symbolism in anything I guess. Is that a bad thing? In the same way that certain abstract art makes more sense of concepts or feelings than detailed, perfect drawing, these feathers have summed up and reassured me of something more easily than the mess and running commentary of inner language and dredged up imagery has managed.

The white feather is stained and slightly matted. But it is still small and perfectly formed. It represents doves, and seagulls, and angels. A change, a continuation, the next stage in life’s dance.

(What I still don’t know is what caused me to pick up all those feathers last week.)

Urban Mystic

carrying along my new path of insanity and coincidence I cam across a rather nifty book, “Moving in Ecstasy” which so far seems to add or exemplify whatever weird realisations I’ve been having recently. I’ll explain it all in time (perhaps!) but until I have a more reliable connection, take a look at Moving Creations. As with everything, sometimes you have to look past the words and labels and be open minded. I’m coming to the conclusion that there is value to be had in everything, if you let yourself see.

What is an Urban Mystic?

Personality test

Every so often I’ve been taking this test to see how results compare/change over time. Overall it seems things have gone down a bit, although Schizotypal has gone right up. Thought as much 😉
(I’ve -still- got to write that entry about how high intelligence/creativity is tied up with Schizotypal ‘disorder’. Very interesting..)

Paranoid: Low
Schizoid: Moderate
Schizotypal: Very High
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Low
Histrionic: Moderate
Narcissistic: Moderate
Avoidant: Moderate
Dependent: Low
Obsessive-Compulsive: Moderate

New Chapter: Life is a Dance

Woo. The computer network has gone down so my access is very limited; it’s a shame, because right now I have SO MUCH to say!
Last week things went pear shaped in my head; but I forced myself to take a new path and take action.. and things have never been better.

I went up to Banbury, where Rachel lives, on impulse friday. I spent Friday night and Saturday on Rachel’s family’s “narrow boat” on the oxford canal, sitting on the roof and singing quietly to myself as the world went by. So unbelievably relaxing…mm..

Sunday and a revelation has hit me. I’m working on a way to explain, to put into words to share it with you guys. But, I’ve got myself on a new chapter, and I have been getting 10times the enjoyment out of life in the last few days.

No, I haven’t found some religion. I’ve found something higher, more profound and yet so basically innate in human minds that it all feels so right. religion, science, belief, god, therianthropy, energy, psychology ; it all fits in.

The best thing is, ultimately, some things are mystery and can not be explained; and yet the realisation and awareness of such *stuff* existing is amazing and fulfilling in itself.

This is the most schizotypal thing I’ve done in my life so far 🙂

I’ve got to get some stats notes now, but I just wanted to note that I feel great and I have something to say. I’ll try and describe later on at some point. The link (key?) here is something about dance, and the moment, and the fabric of life itself.

wooo… I’m going to start a new cult ^_^
***
(ps – Sci, I’m sorry about my lack of contact recently; you and I need to do some talking 🙂 and Ruin: I liked the comment about computer games, and I agree with you entirely… I’ve also found that computer games, while I still enjoy them to a certain extent just don’t retain my interest like they used to. Also, it’s not a bit of coursework, it was just a personal quest/arguement with Rob and Kay/Ruadh about how they’re just wasting their lives away..*smiles sweetly and Kay and Rob; you know I mean it guys 😉 * )

On a quest :-)

I’m trying to find evidence to support my belief that computer games are dangerous in that they reduce your mind’s ability to pay attention on boring things, or for long periods of time. I’ve found it all too easy for computer games to just suck your life away. The same goes for television, but for a lesser extent because television is slightly less immersive and you have less control.

If anyone knows of any interesting articles, or would like to argue with me, please do! 🙂

collection of evidence so far

The Failure of Symbolic Thought

Sometimes it scares me how easily the idea and use of symbolic representation comes to me. Doing a Cognitive Science degree, this is probably a good thing. However, when you start automatically trying to box your own emotions and mind into representations to understand them it starts getting a little scary.

I just stumbled across this article:
Running on Emptiness:
The Failure of Symbolic Thought

I haven’t finished it yet, but it is definite food for thought. For anyone who feels they are being indoctrinated into the way of symbolic representation, I suggest reading it for a change of perspective.

We seem to have experienced a fall into representation, whose depths and consequences are only now being fully plumbed. In a fundamental sort of falsification, symbols at first mediated reality and then replaced it. At present we live within symbols to a greater degree than we do within our bodily selves or directly with each other.

I’m starting to feel that having a certain aspect of ‘madness’ which allows me to bypass higher thought and go straight down to base animal, living-in-the-present, state is not perhaps that bad. I’m also going to do more meditation!!

Wow.. all these entries..

plan:
1) go to mark’s house and talk to liz about shadowrealms stuff, giving her back all those things she lent me that I’ve not had time to read yet.(not running away from shadowrealm people)
2) While I’m there, do NOT drink anything but tea, coffee etc; despite what’s offered. (not running away from thinking through substance misuse!)
3) If paul turns up, don’t ignore him. Try and take him to one side, apologise about the letter, tell him there were some important things I needed to say, but was feeling emotional and so it wasn’t very coherant. I’m sorry if it weirded you out. (not running from my mistakes by ignoring them)
4) Try not to make too many jokes about how crap my hair is.
5) Be happy and try this inner self confidence malarky
6) Come back 8:30 pm latest – need sleep!

phew…
The good news is, I’m starting to feel hungry at last 🙂