Masks and Mirrors – half formed musings

Every so often recently I start getting into things that make me feel slightly freaked out. Scared. For no particular reason. (which somehow makes things worse)

The thing that’s doing it at the moment is masks. Try typing ‘shaman mask’ into google. There’s something about them. (masks in general)

Masks are interesting. It’s not just that you can hide behind them, but that you can become something different. Maybe something different from inside you. My thoughts are very vague at the moment…no, not vague, more intangible. I find masks of people more odd than those of animals.. I think that’s because they remind me of the molded faces of china dolls.
When you wear a mask you *do* become something different; you can feel it. There are various Shaman-type rituals based upon drawing power and spirits by wearing certain masks. But masks have got quite an integrated part in society. Everything from latex fantasy role play masks, to kids at halloween, to fancy masked-ball seductive feathery things. And then you get into the people with invisible masks – the ones who are so good at maintaining an external image that differs hugely from who they really are. I need to find more about this.

Mirrors contain a deceptive truth. When you look in one, you don’t actually see the same as everyone else in the world; just a reversed version of your image. Have you ever spent far too long staring at yourself in the mirror? I know I have, both out of a misplaced vanity, and also by trying to look into my own pupils.
The other thing I used to do was imagine going through the mirror and into the reverse room on the other side. There’s just something fascinating about the whole thing.
Anyone who has read the sandman comics knows about Despair’s realm, which contains a window for every mirror in the world.

argh. I wish I wasn’t at work right now. I need to be outside, walking, and letting the thoughts flow rather than stagnate.

But masks and mirrors. There’s something about them, and something about them tying together whilst being opposites; just something but I can’t quite put my finger on it right now.

I hate having only crumbs of thought. It’s not even thoughts, more like sensations that haven’t become thoughts yet. I’d like to hear what other people think about these things, if anything.
(maybe I just need to go and eat something)

more musings: love

I just commented on jakreven’s journal and thought to cut and paste my thoughts and stick them in my own journal.

I’m not sure what I think about love at the moment. I have a few shards of concept though which haven’t quite come together yet.

the greeks (or romans, or whoever it was) had the right idea by having many different words for love. I don’t think the vast range or direction of emotion can be summed up by one word.

It seems to be something to do with your most central core version of you. That one who you are when it’s -just you-. I think someone loves you when they not just get to see that true part of you, and love it despite flaws.

Maybe when you pine for love, it is a yearning for that level of connection? But I have yet to figure out exactly under what conditions you’re able to open yourself that much..or get that far into someone else. It seems perfectly possible to have a deep relationship, a lustful relationship, a caring relationship with out ever touching on that communication.

It’s also perfectly possible it seems for people who ‘love’ each other to just not be able to ever get moments when they’re not seperate beings – even when they want to and yearn to.

Maybe that’s the difficulty with this love emotion. We just won’t ever be able to conceive how it works or how to manipulate it on an ultimate level. It’s one of those places where art and music can reach past where words and representations can ever go.

final thought: is the only way to get round this to become so egotistical you can actually love yourself? Force the yearning/need into a closed loop??

********

“have you ever buried your face in your hands,
because no-one around you understands, or has the slightest idea of what it is that makes you be?
have you ever felt like there was more,
that someone else was keeping score, and what could make you whole was simply out of reach?”
(it’s strange when you hear different meanings in an old song…)

present moments

Ignoring stereotypical work angst, I’ve had the pleasure of some interesting conversations lately; namely with bishie mark, helen and zak. My mind has been wandering back to concepts of time, and life, and how the two relate.

“Luck is being prepared for oppurtunity when it comes” – inspirational thing my mum stuck to the fridge

serious burblage continues here

Still alive.

well, I’m still alive. And enjoying reading my friends livejournal entries when I get the chance. It’s the most social stimulation (at least -intelligent- social stimulation) that I really get round here..
******

phew… I’ve been happy to find myself very busy at work for the last few days. It’s always amazing how much quicker time goes when you’re actually working. I’ve started reading journal articles in my self-imposed ‘coffee breaks’ in an effort to get some knowledge together for this literature review. I’m also trying to resist the lure of playing mindless video games when I get home, and do something creative.

gods, my life right now feels like one big sea of Boring with a few scattered islands of social activity.

some random observations

I’m helping to pull my family together, which is good but somewhat exhausting.

Looking at my coworkers as members of some hierachical pack of animals who have varying degrees of intelligence, but all know that the ultimate importance is not to anger the ones above you, helps me get my head round the HUGE GAPING HOLES OF NEGATIVE SENSE. ARGH!! (*pant pant**almost time to go home*)

‘pointed-haired bosses’ *do* exist. And there’s nothing worse than an idiot one who escalates his own incompetence to top management, all the time blaiming it on someone else.

At 5:30, everyone goes home (if not before) and NONE OF THIS MATTERS.

On friday, you can officially leave at 3:55pm if you’ve done the hours. The 4:00pm minibus that takes employees to the train station on a friday is replaced by a massive coach. Nice to see how much people love being here. 🙂

I could have done this exact same job 2 years ago without a degree. The only difference is that -this- time I know how to make it sound more professional.

I’m beginning to get the urge to swing on the light fixtures.

Why do I get so hungry when I’m effectively doing nothing? I think sometimes maybe doing nothing makes you hungrier, because you’re constantly waiting for the clock to get to ‘lunch time’.

People bring in various condiments and beverages and keep them on their desks for lunchtime use. I wonder if they have any regulations against bringing in a tank of fish, so you can prepare yourself fresh sushi every day?

Why do I even *think* things like that?

(better go. I need to hang around for longer doing nothing to make up for my late mornings. yay flexitime ¬_¬ . I’m getting hungry, and the shop will have shut by now. I wonder if there are any vending machines around. Maybe i should just eat my coffee granules.)

rantings of an office bod

What I find disconcerting about this place. (IBM Payroll Department)

It’s *exactly the same* as when I worked here the last time. Same people, same layout, same place. It’s been 2 years, and I’ve changed and developed so much in that time… only to come back to this department which has not moved anywhere.

My dad was suggesting I came back to IBM when I’ve finished university for a year or so to get in some ‘good experience’. Certainly the work I’m doing this year is -real-, not some ‘filling in the gaps and answering the phone’. And I’m easily intellectually superior to many people here. It would be relatively easy to get a job, true.

But in a place where time stops existing, a ‘year of experience’ could easily sink into a life of stagnation. And I am *not* going to fall into this coporate machine, because it would kill me.

Still, I’ll milk it while I can – and everything I do next year is going to be moving me away from Not Coming Back.

Right, I’m going home!

whoops! didn’t mean to post that….well, yeah. I threw away £22 of train tickets to exeter for this weekend.

This annoys me. But: yesterday my mum gave me a scratch card and I won £21. (this after winning £25 the last week). Whilst I was GOING to use this money to treat myself with booze and food this weekend, it will now be used to effectively cover the cost of a new ticket. Interesting how I won that particular amount….(hmm)

grr. My short-term memory and general awareness sucks right now. Yesterday I found some tickets in my wallet and threw them away in a burst of tidiness.