For the last month or so, I have been reflecting upon the Mayan ‘count of days’. Since I have become very interested in descriptions of cyclical activity, I found the mayan notion of ‘sacred time’ which runs underneath the normal “every day” time, in a pulse like cycle, very fascinating and quite appealing. It seems to tie directly to the I-ching description of ‘seasons’ and the cycling through the five element ‘moments’. (again, I think they use the word ‘heavenly time’)

In a more scientific view, this makes me think of chaos ‘attractors’, the idea that there is a kind of underyling stability or pattern underneath the normal ‘random/chaotic’ flow of things. As a concrete example, which I have used many times before, I think about the female menstrual cycle and the accompaning mood changes, hormone fluxes, creative urges etc. Or perhaps the cycles of the moon or the movement of the sun.

So, in other words the question I’m asking is “does the universe itself get PMT”? 😉 ARE there good times and dark times and creative times woven into the fabric of the universe? Or, at least, is it pragmatic to follow a cyclical way of thinking in terms of human life and movement in time. Should we acknowledge times of rest as well as activity, light as well as dark?

I think so.

Here’s a bit on the mayan cycle, taken from a rather good description here. The mayans had 20 different ‘tzolkin’, but a cycle through them of 13 days, so you end up with a ‘year’ cycle of 260 ‘unique’ days altogether. (about the same time as human gestation, interestingly enough)

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“This thirteen day cycle builds like a wave for the first 5 or 6 days, and peaks on days 7, 8 & 9 — day 8 is sometimes referred to as the crown of the 13 day pulse and is a preferred day for Ceremony and Shamanic activity in many of the Mayalands. Day 10 — indeed the number ten generally — was not looked on favourably by the Maya and days 10 through to 12 are associated with completion, release and preparation for the next pulse of days. In a sense 13 holds the accomplishment that is 12 and that the seed that is 1.”
—————

One thing I’ve noticed is that simply by acknowledging each individual day cycle alone, I’ve felt a lot more connected to the movement of time. It’s a strange feeling to realise that you never really thought about -days- before, just the human construct of ‘hours’, home time, time at work, meal time etc etc.

Now, I think following the tzolkin (you can see the current day here, but its not too useful for understanding) is something that you begin to understand on a ‘different level’, a kind of mental-feeling for it rather than a logical description. I’ve begun to get an understanding of this from my use of the I-ching, it’s hard to explain, but I do feel you learn more and more depth with more experience. Or in fact this is the only way you can learn. Definitely a meditation exercise more than a horoscope.

What is interesting is that while you still get the same sequence of day-signs, the number is different; this affects the quality of the day and in some sense the understanding you pick up from it. What I’m trying to say is that you have to get your head round the whole flow of days, the complete cyclical movement – you can’t just pick up one day and understand. It’s a fascinating exercise, and, like my experience with the I-ching, eerily accurate.

Certainly, bringing my own experiences and thoughts a bit more in-line with what I’m reading and musing on, does seem to help. So my conclusion is that it is an interesting exercise regardless of whether or not there is actual motion going on in some ‘sacred time’.

One thing I really like with the mayan description is that the cycles pay attention to the ‘underworld’ aspects of people, and there is as much darkness, night, rain, as there are bright things and light. Sometimes you have to go through the night before you get another day, spend time alone, or face up to some niggly bit of your subconscious.

The calendar is also very mathematical, I’m sure there are patterns within patterns going on here.

Today turns out to be “Day 1 Dog (Oc)”, the start of the next cycle. It is interesting that the meaning I’ve have gleaned from this as a position ‘1’ (beginning, seed) day is subtley but definitely different from when it occured at day 8.

edit: or, as I’ve now found out, specifically: “white magnetic dog”. 🙂 I wonder what the ‘white’ relates to? magnetic = ‘1’.
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” Oc means ‘gateway’ and ‘dog’. Oc is in many ways the archetypal dog — living close to his instincts and intimately connected with constancy, loyalty and unconditional love. Oc is our guide through the transformative darkness of Akbal (kin 3). Oc is the power which navigates our private underworld. Where logic and intellect fail, the faith and love of Oc become gateway and guide to our recurrence and renewal. Oc is individual consciousness become physical — in some Maya myth Oc is represented by a foot whose paces mark the very beginning, and end, of time. ”
————

Birth signs.
———–

Of course, given all this calender stuff, it shouldn’t come as a surprise that there is a corresponding ‘astrology’ based upon the day on which you’re born.

However, once again, it’s not as simple as just find one day and there’s your personality. As well as the ‘center’ sign (plus number), you have one for each direction, found by counting backwards or forwards something like 7 and 5 days from your center day. You end up with a kind of ‘cross’ of influences, where the numbers as well as the signs have a meaning. So two people born under ‘dog’ may be very different due to a different ‘balance’ of numbers.

I won’t go into details on what day sign I was born on (12 Flint), because there is a lot in the interpretation which would be lost if I attempted to put it down here in words. However I will say that it really did strike a chord.

—edit

just found a place for getting little cryptic comments, for each day.(here)

also that ‘flint’ can also be seen as ‘mirror’ (ooh, i like mirrors)

the day I was born on ’12 flint’ (11 jan 1982) :

White Crystal Mirror
We dedicate in order to reflect. Universalising order, we seal the matrix of endlessness with the crystal tone of cooperation. We are guided by the power of heart.

(wheras the next flint, ‘6 flint’ corresponds to:
White Rhythmic Mirror
We organise in order to reflect. Balancing order, we seal the matrix of endlessness with the rhythmic tone of equality. We are guided by the power of endlessness)

I need to find more about the number-pattern thing. (though it is starting to remind me of “sailor moon” anime attacks!!)

EDIT
The biggest issue with this is that there seems to be two independent methods of calculating the calender out there! Obviously giving you very different results. The one I’ve been using purports to be more based around the ‘original’ mayan way of looking at things. hmmmmm..

but, there are patterns in patterns, because according to this place, which puts me as a ‘red lunar skywalker’ (i love these names), this year I am currently “white crystal mirror”…the same as the other calculating method put as my birth day…..this feels like playing ‘go’. I need a kind of ‘zoom out’ button. 🙂

I suppose its all kind of arbitary at the end of the day.

I should go and watch the film ‘pi’ again. This whole ‘is there an underlying pattern thingy’ question.

—-

If anyone is interested to explore this themselves, I can calculate the day you were born on with a book I have at home, I’ll need to know your date of birth, including the year.

—–
Final word –

I don’t think that its right for someone like me to try and squash something from another time and place into my life. but I find it interesting to follow cycles, and it’s made me very aware of the days passing which is good.

I would still like to understand runes, because they come from ‘our culture’ in a way, from this part of the world. but they will take a lot of work and I’m happy to understand slowly. You really need to mediate on each one. I would not like to go on about ‘ooh, I can use runes aren’t i great and druidy’ nor assume I can be a mayan shaman just because I’ve scratched the surface of their thoughts. I think this is important.

All this is very much about learning by quietly observing as well as trying to always understand things first.

—–
links for future research:
1.Summary of Tzolkin
2.Key to the I-ching(to be read later, looks interesting though)
3.‘time of heaven’ in ancient chinese philosophy
4.Creating a modern medicine wheel (native american type stuff).
——
Edit

just found this, although not entirely clear in itself she does provide this handy list. Just accruing information 🙂

Day 1: What is my Purpose? Tone 1: Magnetic
Day 2: What are the obstacles? Tone 2: Lunar
Day 3: How do I attain my Purpose? Tone 3: Electric
Day 4: What form will it take? Tone 4: Self-Existing
Day 5: How do I take command? Tone 5: Overtone
Day 6: How do I stay balanced? Tone 6: Rhythmic
Day 7: How do I command attunement? Tone 7: Resonant
Day 8: Do I live what I believe? Tone 8: Galactic
Day 9: How do I pulse my intention? Tone 9: Solar
Day 10: How do I perfect what I do? Tone 10:Planetary
Day 11: How do I let go? Tone 11:Spectral
Day 12: How do I inspire cooperation? Tone 12:Crystal
Day 13: How do I transcend? Tone 13:Cosmic

Chris has introduced me to the game ‘go’. You know, with black and white counters on a grid. Makes me think of cellular automata.

Time just disappears, I am engrossed and fascinated and hooked on it. And perhaps it is the only game I don’t mind loosing, it’s just so intriguing to watch how situations unfold.

I want to play it again! It is exactly the right thing to give my mind to do 😉

– rebirthing in progress –
—–

When I was out in the forest, I encountered a smallish river. One side was gravel, the other, the side I was on, a high bank. There were two choices: climb down the bank, carefully step across the river via a stable looking piece of wood, and hop to the gravel. The second choice was to take a running jump and leap across. A quick glance and I judged the distance to be good. But yet, there was the fear. Fear of not quite making it, of falling or tripping into the river. Or, lack of faith in my own abilities to leap.

I was am near sick of being afraid, and over-cautious, so I decided to jump.

First, I practiced a bit, just jumping on the land. Choosing an imaginary river, running and jumping, landing, reassuring, trying again.
“Bend over when you run”offered Zak, already on the other side, “and don’t wait till the very edge before jumping!”
Enough thinking; I turned to face the river, made up my mind, resolved, and ran.
I’m afraid I did not trip, fall, spalsh into the murky water, thus rendering this into at least an amusing anecdote. No, I made it, hands crunching into the damp gravel, cushioning my fall, landing on my feet.
wow!
exhilaration. I knew I could do it, and so I did. It might have been a small leap, but it’s the first of many.
—–

Now. I will say this carefully and I will say this once.

It is not that my words are poor, but that my mind is rushed.

I have been rushing in some way ever since my decision to buckle down at school, aged 13, and to focus on working hard, and becoming a vet. (what happened to that dream?)

So, now, things have improved a lot. I’ve seen the futility in rushing a lot of aspects of life, but yet I have been steaming ahead with trains of thought, fragmented pieces, unfolding my life and the world around me. Yes, I have learnt things. Discovered and re-discovered parts of life, woven a pretty tapestry of a reality around me. But yet, I have still been too focused on moving forwards, on finding the next piece of the puzzle, and then the next, advancing onwards to get to some undefined moment when it will all come together. The fact is, you have to spend time putting together the pieces you’ve got, and admiring the picture you can already see.

And, finally, it has occured to me – “what’s the point in rushing?” in fact, it’s occured to me that rushing ahead at this point is dangerous as well us unhealthy. There is a very real danger of becoming detached, and floating off into some hazy world of nonsense, and yes, even I can see where this is happening.

Right now, I have so much around me to appreciate and enjoy. People and places, as well as sensations in my own body. I am not ready to keep carrying on, otherwise I’m spreading myself out too thin and becoming patchy and incoherant.

The question is : WHY have I been doing this? Rushing onwards, finding more and more, looking for more with an almost unsatiable thirst to feed my mind enough nonsense to keep it distracted from the real stream.

I have never been good at finishing what I have when there’s something new to look at. This applies to many aspects of my life.

but. why?

Paradox again. I thought that I was afeared of moving forwards, and finding what’s underneath the next stone. Too scared to look. In fact, I am afraid of what will happen if I were to stop for a moment, and face myself.

I am ready to look at what I am. Or should I say, I am ready to look at my mind and see what is old, and childish, and outdated and stale. There is much still to be pruned, and other bits to give enough light and water to for them to grow. I can do this because I found my center. I found where I am -me- and what me is.

The wolf is me. The forest is me. I dance as I peel potatoes, I cry with joy as well as loss. I sing without words, and draw without plan. When I love, I love totally and without regret, I surrender and I engage with full focus of being and intent. I taste a thousand flavours in one morsel of food. I feel the sun dissolve my body, the waves wash through me, and the wind uplift my soul and carry it to the sky.

My mind is a tool, and as such can and should be developed as I need it to be. There are a lot of things I don’t need anymore; the lack of self-confidence, the fear, the ‘inner parent’, the rush to do everything -now-, the taking onboard of other people’s problems.

The need to always have an opinion, to always have something to say, to explain, to describe. To be able to map out a chain of thought because OTHERWISE there is no progress!? There is no progress without thought or words? But this is not true! There is no progress if there is ONLY thoughts and words, because without new experiences you have nothing but incestuous loops of noise. There is a reason that you can’t write as well at 15 as you can at 50; there is a reason the first time you have sex will not be the best- and mostly this is through a lack of experience.

I have realised something – that there is a part of your my mind that is never happy with an answer; it always needs to know more, to keep taking things apart or building things up. Maybe this is because it has to be active to exist. Because it has to be “progressing” to be worthwhile.

I AM SICK OF THIS.

I need to do the mental-spiritual equivalent of sitting back and smoking a joint. To chill out and enjoy. Look around me – I have a place where I can be me, I have no financial demands, and an easy job where the money comes in. I have old friendships to nourish and new ones to encourage. I have love, I have connection, I have a new way of looking at the world. I have so much to learn.

What I need is to spend some time, listening, and looking, and not trying to describe or explain.

And, now I have found my center, I need to encourage her and make her strong. To develop an inner stability and faith, a core of patience and determination. Because without that I will always be going in circles. I will not be able to make the leap of faith until I have faith, not in a deity or a set of equations, but in my own abilities.

I do not need to justify myself with words. However, I should demonstrate myself with actions.

Another paradox – sometimes you have to stop swimming in order to get anywhere. Because until you stop all that splashing, you won’t notice which way the river is actually flowing. It could be that otherwise you’re just fighting to move in the wrong direction.

“go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence….and whatever your labours and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul”

I’ve spent time with close friends, boyfriend, and brother (off to university tomorrow! 🙁 ) this weekend. Mostly I lived at Sarah’s house, which was wonderful to get away from home. To wake up -relaxed- without parents around. mmm.

In fact, it was all a bit of the University Experience(tm) – breakfast with 4 or 5 other people, chatting about all manner of things. The simple pleasure of sharing a bed and having someone to hold (along with the bad nights sleep which comes from kicking and dead arms). Watching a film (‘underworld’..it had werewolves in it but thats about all the good stuff I can say). Cooking dinner for people (I miss that).

Saturday, we went into the busy shopping centre of Southampton. The sheer number of people is simply overwhelming. A new friend of mine commented once “how can we live in a place crowded with people, and with no trees or green spaces, and pretend like it’s ok?”. Personally, I find it exciting for a while (especially trying out my new ‘use your periphereal vision and pick up on the -whole picture-‘) but very very draining. After a while I just end up feeling like a zombie..this perhaps is the idea, maybe it makes you more susceptible to buying things? 😉
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In the afternoon I went off with just Zak to explore the New Forest. This is the first time we’ve been to the New Forest in the Autumn, and I have to say it is a gorgeous place when the leaves are turning. I like going into the dark under the trees, and I like running about the open heath land, scattered with ferns.

I found a nice place on the edge of trees, enclosed by holly and carpeted with moss and soft pine needles. It is a shame that Zak does not appreciate my new found joy in being naked outside.

It is here, at this moment, in the forest, that I find myself and find my peace. Lying on the ground, staring up at the sky and the leaves, feeling the sun on my face, my body, my legs. Digging my toes into the soil, rolling in the scent of leaves, running hands over trees. So many textures, sounds, sensations. It is here that I know what alive IS. I untense my body and I unwind my mind…

I muse on sex now. Nothing rude.

On the chance that you read this, please drop me a message and get in touch.
Zakarius has let me know about you, I think there is a lot for us to talk about, I may be able to help you.

He didn’t think to get your email or anything, so this is the only way I can think of to contactng you, I hope you see this.

Take care,
– Catherine

Well, this has changes since the last time I did it. I used to get INFP or maybe INTP.

I am interested in the fact its fairly balanced though: (apart from a fair bit more intuitive, which is nice.)

Extroverted (E) 55.88% Introverted (I) 44.12%
Intuitive (N) 63.33% Sensing (S) 36.67%
Thinking (T) 52.63% Feeling (F) 47.37%
Perceiving (P) 58.33% Judging (J) 41.67%

Not that I think personality tests really work, mind. 🙂

Someone should really do a study on why doing these tests are so damn addictive. Are we all so eager to find labels and boxes for ourselves? Or just bored? 🙂

———-
Clairvoyance (sp?)
Talking of being “sensitive to possibilities”, it was very strange at lunch today. I was sitting outdoors with ‘Rohan-the-wildlife-guy’ listening to him describing a small group of his friends who are all either mediums or clairvoyant, in the same way you might discuss football or yesterday’s television. (I may get to meet these friends, which would be interesting). Apparently one of his friends is a bit clairvoyant, but has had a lot of problems because he didn’t know what to do with it or how to control it, and thus he has had a rather miserable life picking up on people’s thoughts all time. It causes problems especially with relationships, which I can imagine! He had some help from this small group apparently and is now much happier with himself (but still rather isolationist)

Another friend, female, is actually quite powerfully mediumy-clairvoyant but has had problems in that her husband flatly refuses to believe it and stops her going and developing it and meeting other people.

Someone’s also apparently figured out a way of storing ‘prayer energy’, gathered and focused in the chanting of mantras, in some kind of battery. (I imagine a thermos flask which sings hymns when you open it :)). Rohan was also talking about prana, kundaline, black magic and white magic, and manifesting ‘divas’.

smirk away, friends, but I think this is fascinating; and in the way my world view is manifesting certainly NOT impossible. Of course, I await for personnal experience before I believe anything for sure.

This also feels just like being in the X-men comics. tee hee, life is fun. 😀

Is love something we create, or is it something that we open ourselves to experiencing?

in other words, to people make it or do people find it?

—
I think neither, and both, and ‘there is always more to it than that’ and also ‘its the simplest thing in the universe’.

If love was a shape in my mind, it’s grown from a hazy fuzzy globe to something more like a 3d tethrahedron shape. That spins. And makes a nice ‘chiiiiiiiiiiiiiing’ sound of crystal.

Possibly a tethrahedron shape which extends into another dimension.

how can science unpick something like that?

———-

i think love is fundamental. i think also, that there are aspects i’m talking about which are not those connected to poems, singing, soppy hearts, hormones, loneliness,gender, sex. I have glimpsed, briefly, from a distance, at a love which is neutral to all those and yet encompasses all of it. shaped and feels like a paradox; I can not put it into words. I can not define. But to see it is there, to -feel- it is there, you realise that it’s -always- there, and sometimes these are the hardest things to see.

this was a thing that i don’t know if i created it or not. I don’t think so. It came not from my mind OR my heart OR my body and yet it filled all of those and more. I had to open myself to seeing it was there.

And I found, when I did, that I knew it was there all along.

You know this too.

That is all.

——
Mirror
Get two pieces of mirror, hold them parallel to each other so one is reflecting the reflection of the other. (like this: ¦¦ , with reflecting side in.)
Now, make a little hole in one piece of mirror, and look through it at the reflection – you end up with a ‘tunnel’ effect, fading into blackness, “as the light runs out”

Now, this makes me ask the question : what actually happens when light hits a mirrored surface? And why does the light ‘run out’ in the reflections? Where IS the reflection of a reflection of a reflection of a reflection?

I thought the light just sort of bounced off, turned round and came back. But then surely it shouldn’t get ‘dimmer’? Maybe there is some sort of ‘photoelectric’ effect using up some of the light’s energy??

I’m not going anywhere profound with this, I just realised that I don’t quite understand how mirrors work. If anyone can offer illumination that would be great.

Clay

I really enjoyed making my goddess the other day, and I have a new urge to stop drawing for a while and start making things with clay. It’s nice to be able to feel what you’re doing, and I’m hoping it will give me practice for drawing by getting a concept of 3-d space of people. Layering on muscles and fat and that kind of stuff.

I know very little about clay, but I’d like to get some more of the stuff that came with my ‘DIY Goddess kit’. It’s a grey, slightly gritty stuff, that drys in the air in a few hours. Once dry, it can be infused with water and then reformed over and over again. Something I can use without having to fire in a kiln. It’s probably a special kind of ‘modelling’ clay or something?

I was thinking about making ‘salt dough’ but that doesn’t have quite the same earthy quality as clay does.

Again, I’d appreciate any information or ideas if you have them!

Inspired by a poster in the IBM cafeteria, I booked seats to go and see ‘Much Ado about Nothing’ at a local theatre. As well as my good friends Josie, Sarah and Helen, I was really happy to bring my mother along. Trying to help my mother relax is an ongoing challenge – but I was happily surprised to find that she actually cut out appointments and ‘made time’ for once in her life. It was wonderful to be able to take her out. (My mother, incidently, is small, manic and Irish. I don’t think her brain hemispheres are connected/balanced properly, too much left-activity.. but she is a very unique and brilliant lady)

The New Theatre Royal itself has until fairly recently been a wreck; bomb damage and fire during the war. It is in a state of semi-repair, but one of those ornate buildings with all sorts of cherubs and angels, shells, twirly bits, gilded decoration. this picture gives you a vague idea. It’s quite a small place, very cozy.

An interesting feature is that there is no backstage (too damaged), so the raised stage extends out into the stalls a bit more than it used to. We managed to get seats at the front of the circle, and actually felt close enough to touch the actors.

I noticed something interesting. You know how churches and such places have a certain kind of ‘atmosphere’ to them? The same is true of really old theatres. It’s like you step into a slightly different reality, the feel of stories, emotions and applause seem to emmanate out of the very walls and architecture.

The play itself was fantastic, and the first shakespeare I’ve ever seen performed live. “Much Ado” is one of his real romantic comedies (to be honest, I don’t think I’d like to watch the more serious ones) and I actually studied it for my english GCSE. Seeing Benedict and Beatrice again was like meeting old friends. The actors were incredible, I think it is quite hard to make shakespear language come alive and relevant in today’s world, particularly because a lot of the metaphors only have a vague shadow in our modern culture.

I was struck by how much the play gripped me, how intense the emotions were, and infact how well the ‘comic relief’ characters helped to offset the bits of tragedy or intensity of the previous scene. I guess this is where the phrase comic -relief- comes from originaly?

They didn’t have a big crowd yesterday, it was their first night, but we made lots of noise at the end. I was on a real high – it’s so good to find yourself really -wanting- to clap and cheer, rather than just doing it out of politeness.

—

Outside, waiting for Josie’s dad to pick her up, ‘Claudio’ happened to emerge from the main doors. We went and gushed over how great the play was; and infact when he smiled so happily I pretty much swooned.. he was cute, but then a problem with actors must surely be falling in love with the role and the face, not the person?

Old ‘Leonardo’ appeared too. “Where’s Don Jon gone?” “I think he went to pub..” And then off he went. It feels odd but fun when realities of fiction and modern day merge.

——-

Theatre is incredible, and no matter how big, air conditioned, or surround-sounded cinemas get, they lack that authentic feel of live acting and good script.

And all because I kept my eyes open at IBM. Strange how there is always some benefit to be found in the apparently dreary situations. I’m waiting for the day someone actually asks to see what work I’ve -done-. I wonder how many people here are like me, just typing away on a computer, their deadlines forgotton about, just recieving pay for doing nothing of real benefit for the company?

My sense of priorites has never been better. 😉