Go back. Go back to the source of all this. Go back before the event…and realise that’s not about how I dealt with it. It’s not about what happened. It’s not about the patterns and chains it set off.
Admitt this : I fucked up, but it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t need to be figured out, puzzled out, extrapolated, re-lived, re-evaluated, re-absorbed. The problem is nothing to do with how I handled it, and no amount of new involvements will help me fix that ———–because every new person and scenario is DIFFERENT. I can NOT solve an old problem by living it again and acting “right”, because the circumstance will never *be* the same. I keep trying to find the original situation, the cause, to test myself, to prove that this time, THIS time I can do it right. Because somehow, that will erase the fact I fucked up before.
Go back to BEFORE the event. I was wrong to let myself GET involved. I walked into it like the naive desperate lamb I was, and it’s here- here that I can make the change:
Don’t. Get. Involved. In. The. First. Place.
And here I am again, winding myself into a new situation, trying to see it as an old situation, trying to see it as a challenge that I can conquer rather than seeing it for what it is. I learn – yes – but I learn because I make NEW mistakes.
Admitt this: I can not fix this pain. I can not kill it myself. I can not trust myself to not do the same thing again.
Because, the mistake was that I got involved in the first place. and this is what I should stop doing. this is where the boundary should be.
I’ve just done something I found very hard. Because it has involved burning bridges which I’m bad at. And it involved probably hurting someone and letting them down. But most of all it involved admitting that I messed up, and that I’m not as strong as I’d like to think I was.
—————————————-last email to Jon. Messy but then damnit I’d rather make a mess of this than of my own life ———–
fuck jon, who am I kidding?!?!
I *can’t* be good when I’m around you,
I just can’t trust myself
which is really sad, but not as sad as being unable to admitt, simply, that what I’m doing with you is wrong; trying to prove that i can be involved and yet not involved with someone…where’s that going to get me??
time to run away from this whole stupid mess of a life..
it’s nothing to do with you, I’m just a relationship fuck-up. What I’ve experienced with you has been beautiful but it will become ugly and twisted because thats what I DO in these situations. I have real genuine feelings for you but they are mixed up with and drowned in confusion and self-destruct tendencies. It’s a big fucking lie to myself. What you’re seeing is no more than a mask with a glimmer of life behind it.
you are beautiful and sensuous and mesmermise me into desire. while it’s enjoyable and yummy … I just don’t want to do it this time, I have far too much to loose. Acting like this just isn’t who I am or want to be.
sorry, but its best i stop this now.
please don’t hate me, it wasn’t intentional, and please don’t think you could have done or been anything different. The fault here is entirely mine.
I’ll stop wasting your time now..
…maybe I should just give up sex and all related activities for lent?
(I’m thinking about it…)
I don’t want to start repeating past patterns (AGAIN), but I also want to confront this. I feel like I’m gnawing on a problem, but everytime so far I just end up runninig away and leaving it there to stagnate and rot some more. I feel like I need to close the jaws and crunch the bone and cut the past away. Still, there is a confused mixture of things here. A war going on inside : the main protagonist is the petrified ego trying to cling to it’s past and repeat the pattern – it’s using every arguement, emotion, desire at it’s disposal, which is frigtening and confusing. On the other side is, common sense I guess, heart-emotions, (soul?)… the wordless aspect which I end up bruising…that cries out my truths softly.
There is something stopping the jaws from closing. I can’t see what it is. I just can’t see it! I’m setting myself up with challenges that I’ll end up failing, again, because I can’t see clearly what I really want, or consequences of actions.
“measure twice, cut once” zak told me today. I can see I’m making a big deal about nothing, but also it’s not nothing for me, it’s one of my biggest inner demons and lessons unlearnt.
who am I trying to be?
Last night I went totally manic, happy, centered, and alive. I was dancing about the kitchen peeling potatoes like a loony, to cheesey 80’s music on the radio. I was in my body and dancing better than ever before. I think the word I’m looking for is ‘vibrant’. Moments like that are great, especially when you know there are more challenges ahead as much as there are some overcome.
Finally my concept of a person has crumbled into little pieces, I can’t put things on scales or in boxes any more. I’m not sure how to describe what I think a person is, but it’s expanded and is a bit like a crystal-bright locus in the center of brightly coloured dancing web, actually it looks a little like some of those pulsing, rotating, winamp visualisations. The complexity and contradictions are daunting but so fantastic that it blows me away. There are layers and different shapes or colours, but it is not a fuzzy mess, rather it is something *coherant* and inherantly dynamic, tension, developing.
(and then, the interactions between people…and the world…all kind of weaving together…life…aaaah!!)
I also found out this weekend, that following back the family tree through my grandmother and beyond (mother’s side, ie the mad irish one) then you get to a pirate! Stockrigde or something like that. Well, he was more of a ‘privateer’ ie he did his pirating for the crown. Turns out he owned a lot of land at one point, including land in a city….and left it in trust with the Church while he went of pirating. When he came back they’d built on it and refused to give it back! Some old great-uncle of mine spent a lot of time running about graveyards and all sorts, trying to accumulate enough legal evidence to prove the family owned it. Didn’t succeed before his death however, and it sounds like his daughters just chucked out his careful notes.
It’s amazing what you can find in your family history. On my dad’s side, again, tracing through the women, you get back as far as John Ridd (as in, from Lorna Doon).
But to be honest, while I find it interesting I don’t think I could be bothered to look for it all myself (although it does make me keen to learn as much as I can from relatives before they pop their clogs 😉 ).
However: A genuine pirate-type in my history somewhere IS kind of neat 😀
This weekend, I have mostly been getting some perspective. And relaxing. The two are quite entwined…
its not about right or wrong, it’s about choice. you *always* have a choice. It’s time I started living my own choices.
WHAT’S . THE . RUSH?
(it is fear makes you run..)
(..and where does that fear come from?….)
I think you know
Serendipty caught up with me last night. My angelic messenger came in the form of a short northern bloke, with blonde hair, cheeky accent, and eyes that make him look both younger and older than he really is. Originally from the second largest housing estate in Europe (up north somewhere) tattoos, lightning and joy in his eyes, who has a real passion for his chef work, life, nutrition,creativity and learning. I met him on the train, and over a pint he told me the secrets to the universe 😉
(Iain…the dude..).Seems to have a real grip on life, and manipulating it , along with a sense of humour and humility which is also good. You get that feeling he is surfing on something. I felt like some force in the universe placed him there at that time to pass on the information I needed to hear. You may indeed laugh!! But a fair few events like this have happened to me over the last year and a half, ever since I started -engaging- with things. Some co-incidences seem too useful to be true. Totally unbelievable. The best way I can describe moments like that is, its like playing an RPG… you know, you talk to a particular character, and suddenly a new option pops up, you click on it, and then get given the next piece of the puzzle…
More on that story later. People RULE.
Speaking of passing on information:
This one goes out to Dresen:
Fractals, mandelbrots, life?
Choatic attractors…fractals…patterns behind patterns. Is that what life is? who knows. Its all fun. I could get lost in that world, if I understood maths well enough 😀
(I would rather get on with living my own mandlebrots. The huge link between chaos theory/fractals and eastern thought/taoism/I-ching is most likely my mind grasping at straws….probably…..)