i cried a lot last night but it seemed to have cleared the air somewhat. Just wanted to make a note of some dream snippets
I dreamt of falling under water in the sea very far, underneath the wooden ship that contained my people. The commentator said that it was alright, being a woman I could swim faster and stronger, but as I struggled to the surface, not giving up to drown but kicking.. it also took two others to swim down with an air bubble to give me that vital breath I needed to carry on.
I also was somewhere looking for healing, apparently it was accupuncture-shiatsu (though I’m not actually sure what shiatsu IS). Strange sensations of pains in parts of my face and other areas being breathed out, tangible unwindings. The guy checked me out and confirmed -something- about it always being the same for those born premature, fighting for life from the word go, they carry it with them..not knowing how to just be at peace.
I know I’ve mentioned this to most people but I was cesarian delivered best part of 2 months premature, in a fair amount of distress, and it is thanks to a good doctor and my mother’s medical knowledge that both she and I are alive at all. Occasionally the truth of this sinks in. And people wonder why little things like colours and breezes fill me with joy. (of course everyone can realise this with just a bit of reflection on mortality :))
Another note before it dissapears back into the subconscious, a couple of weeks ago now I was struck to the core the two ultimate things that drive me (and maybe others), one of the biggest paradoxes to balance.
Wanting to absorb totally and completely into someone else, something larger, loose myself
Wanting to express and develop the ‘individual’ spark of me, find -my- voice, create
I was thinking about being in the womb, and how you are totally a part of someone else, safe, ignorant, reliant, warm. But at some point the baby has to kick and fight it’s way out of that into the cold world, placenta snipped and voila, a seperate person. ((thought: what makes that happen, and what if you get pulled out early? really prem. babies have to finish actually growing and developing outside the womb, it’s an amazing thing to learn about: some osteopaths were discussing how they reached right in and worked with the baby’s simple and strong desire to -live-, it was this which drives the growth and healing even if the incubators and devices provide the raw materials..tho human touch is incredibly and vitally important. I’m telling you, these osteopath-type people don’t need to believe in miracles of life: they deal with them everyday)) I know these words are clumsy. But I think you find the same kind of pattern of drives all throughout life – growing up, moving away from your parents, in relationships with other people, with god, the universe… absorbing into, moving out of, taking in and nuturing others as well as relying on them to hold you. It’s very simple underneath, but for some reason has taken me ages to acknowledge.. (ack stupid words will give up now)
To be lost in another or to find myself alone, I don’t know which scares me more. Though I suspect there is a way to find this ‘healthy balance’ people keep going on about. *grin*