So here we are, turning point of the seasons, ready to welcome the return of the light.
It couldn’t come at a better time. The shift from Japan to “life-at-home” hit me a lot harder than I expected, and rather than a chance to relax and recuperate it’s been frankly exhausting. The biggest influence of this has been my parents, cliche but true, whose opinion on what I should be doing is almost at right angles to what I’m striving towards. To see my dad almost in tears of dissapointment was probably the worst moment. My life has felt on edge almost continually, and I have no-where of my own to relax. I’ve lost the plot as it were, no chi-kung, no balanced nutrition, no regular exercise, just a kind of frantic job-searching mixed with escaping for a few days of bliss with friends before having to return.
The result? I feel reduced to a pathetic snivelly thing who suffers insomnia, terrible acne, exhausting mood swings, and, as my hairdresser pointed out today, hair breakage and general loss. She cut my hair just after I returned from Japan, and commented on how healthy and vibrant it was – and was seriously concerned to see the state it was in today. “You should go and see a doctor, maybe you have thyroid problems or something. In the meantime you have to pamper and look after yourself; hair and nails are probably the last thing to start breaking so its not a good sign”.
Whinge over. It’s time to get my life back together.
I hate Christmas, for me its filled with the worst kind of family politics. But, this year I’m happy to say I’m doing something for the solstice. Right now I’m at my friend Chris’s house, with Lizzie and the sweet bishounen Hikari-from-Japan. Hikari has been a blessing to me in the last week he stayed, providing me with an excuse to relax, spend time chatting in cafes about life, love and boys, and generally has been a light to my soul. (which is appropriate given that Hikari = Light in Japanese 🙂 ) We are cooking a kind of improvised christmas dinner, and then the intention is to build a fire on the beach, and I will be lighting candles for everyone I can think of.
And it’s not all been bad news. I’ve spent some good time with friends, catching up particularly on old friendships I’ve been neglecting. I now have a car, which provides extra freedom despite making my environmental-ethics twinge :). I have a job interview on Thursday, in Exeter, which I’m feeling fairly confident about. It offers freedom and the chance to start a new chapter. I’m still drawing, a little bit here and there, I still have enough of a life-spark to not give up.
I can say this, for truly – in times like this, my friends have saved me. There are many people who have given me support and love, even if they didn’t see it a simple hug or a listening ear, a joke or some shared laugheter – these things have brought me through this far. That and my sense of humour which tends to kick in self-depreciatingly at the lowest moments 🙂 There is something else as well, but I tend to kill it when I put it in words so I won’t.
I still have so much to learn. My practice is so often different from my theory 😉
((NB: This isnt meant as some sort of pity-inspiring post or whinge. more of a note to self – things have got pretty low but I still remember the light. I’ve talked far too much lately about needing to get things together, but now its critical. I’m not good at admitting when I’m having problems or asking for help – usually because the first thing that springs to mind is “dont complain, it’s not as bad as X’s situation”. I don’t know why I let things get this way. This has got to be the turning point for me. Here I go..))