“There are witches in the hills calling my name
saying come join us sister, come kiss the flame
Come dance in the moonbeams, ride the night wind
make love to the darkness and laugh at man’s sins
I shiver with delight, I shiver with fear
my heart wants to go but my soul’s filled with fear
So I turn to my lover and ask what do I do
do I answer their call or stay here with you
But under spell of deep sleep he moans and turns away
taking his protection and my desire to stay
So I rise to the hill tops, I ride the night winds
I make love to the darkness and laugh at man’s sins”
– Cowboy Junkies
Everything has shifted in the last cycle, the one which started with wolves and steak. I think, of seizing fire and the explosive fruiting of autumn berries all around me. This time of year is wonderful, not too dark yet, easing off from the summer of high activity.
Zak is becoming Michael again, leaving me to follow his heart and thirst for challenge. He needs initiation and confirmation as well; he will be joining the Army as a Railway Operative in the new year if not sooner, and as that decision was made the universe shifted into a new shape and I can see again the man I love. Before he left I was in those initial stages all over again, but on another level. My tears over the idea of giving up on him cleared the space for me to see how much love was there. For the first time in perhaps four years, I have genuine hope for us. The next five years with him on his quest will make this a challenge, but the truth is right now I don’t want anyone else.
The massage diploma, a shifting and reshuffling of jobs, these things are offering new potentials and learning, satisfying female and male sides of myself, the pieces coming together. All I needed to do was stop fighting and see what was infront of me. I feel moments of happy, I feel moments of real, I feel some direction and purpose. I feel hope without any particular expectation, which is perhaps the best kind. Walking with me now, though, is a shade of the girl-woman I have been this last year, and I welcome her now, because I don’t want to forget, and I need her grounding. The outer world and inner ones are more linked up than I realised, even WITH all my pondering.
These two weeks, perhaps even just the one, are a calm for me before I start the next stage. No-one is giving this to me, I’m taking it for myself because I know I need it. Reflection, listening, gathering.
Science, healing, male, female, love, solitude. There is another part I swear I will make room for even if I have to fight for it: the soul and the magic. The Wolf and the drawing and the being still and just LOOKING, the vital thread that has the potential to be woven through every living moment if I do things right. On sunday, just gone, I took a day to go adventuring with Jessica Fox – North Devon wilds and farms of Exmoor, the birth-locus of my father’s side, I wanted to find the places he went as child, and I did. The day was magic, unplanned, fluid. We found the the Valley of rocks and it’s wild goats, sea, rivers, wind.. driving down tiny roads enclosed by trees. We were followed by a black cat as we started up a heathered hill to an ancient Tumulus and stone circle; a land where there was no sound, no traffic, just silence and the in-out of your breathing. Driving back across open moor under twilight sky and a bright horned half-moon. This day filled me with fresh air and fed my soul.
I found a new way to see the world, a glimpse of a fae-land which runs underneath all this human functional coldness. More ideas to add to the story building in my heart. Another black cat met us on the way home, diverting to cross our path and make me smile. Must be time to think about cats and what I can learn from them. Right now I stand on the edge of the human world, feeling a little insubstantial even as I sit in this office. I guess it’s time to jump back in. But I can not forget about the magic.
In the background, Coyote snickers and I suspect once again I’m winding into another universal joke of my own creation. And yes, I *know* I’m being prententious at the moment; I’m enjoying it while it lasts. Put it down to the Cats.