Woman :

Main Entry: woman
Part of Speech: noun
Definition: female

Synonyms: babe, bird, bride, broad, chick, chicken, companion, dame, debutante, doll, gal, gentlewoman, girl, girlfriend, inamorata, kitten, lady, lass, love, lover, maid, maiden, mama, mate, matron, miss, mistress, moll, Mrs., nymph, old lady, paramour, partner, pigeon, rib, she, skirt, spinster, spouse, squaw, sweetheart, tomato, tootsie, virgin, wife

Antonyms: man

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Says it all really 🙂

Doubts in the Darkness, Flame in the Soul

Part of becoming a massage/health therapist is understanding the condition and health of the other person. Though almost always when I ask someone before a massage how they are doing today, I get a variance on “I’m fine”. One of my teachers, Sharon, has pointed out that “fine” is an acronym for “Fucked, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional” 🙂

We go round the class telling her how our massage and study is going, and usually I am quick to justify my condition as one of progress. But lately I’ve felt stronger in being honest with where I’m at, plus I’m feeling “half sick of shadows” (as the Lady of Shallot would say.)

So I told her and the class that actually, it hadn’t been going too well, I’ve done very little massages in the last month and my confidence has actually been falling rather than growing because of this. That all I’d really realised is that it was important to keep massaging and I needed to figure out how to make it more of a priority in my time.

admitting doubts and finding inner strength

Winter, voice, Trees

The winter is here, and I seek to reclaim the voice I have lost, through fear and shock. Winter is cold, dark, bleak, and all around life lays bare, death obvious. I watch the moon wax and wane as we reach the darkest point of the year.. what is strange though is that in the very darkness truth can be found, like the bare trees it seems that our very soul is laid bare this time, it is harder to fool ourselves. Death and coldness make it apparent that life and warmth is a transient thing, and this can lead us to despair or perhaps a new awe?

I’ve tried to express this in poetry format; it is hard not to sound pretenious but I’m glad I’ve at least attempted
December Tree

Hypnotism and inward journeys

..today I took part in a group hypnosis experiment at the psychology labs. Turns out I’m not very hypnotisable, though it didn’t seem to ‘work’ very well for most of the group. It was interesting though! I did get very relaxed, but perhaps was too engrossed in being aware of my body and breathing to be ‘fooled’ into some of the mental suggestions.

It did actually remind me of meditation, the ‘work’ is done by the person being hypnotised, you have to really open/surrender to the experience – this could be where the problem lies with me, a part of me is always watching, paying attention, intrigued by what might happen. The suggestions that did work with me were heavy arms and such, but other the things didn’t – tastes, only seeing two balls when there were three, hearing jingle bells being played, and even going to sleep and dreaming for a couple of minutes – also being told to draw a tree on some paper when waking and then being told to forget the instruction. Very interesting to think these type of things might work! Apparently some of the people who did find this got quite concerned over what happened to them.

I’m a little dissapointed I didn’t get more into the experience of it – apparently “hypnotisability” is a skill you can practice – but on the other hand I’m quite relieved. Also it has reminded me about meditation again, something I should give time to.

I was more impressed by my last visit to the craniosacral guy, we went on a bit of an inward journey into my body (and soul?). I still haven’t quite got my head round it enough to report on, but I could feel all kinds of movements and shifts going on inside me. What stands out the most when we were down around the sacral area, I had this sense of it being totally black, not in bad way but like a cave or womb, a comforting warm blackness, and all my breathing was going through here not my lungs..later on there was a brief but tangible sense of fur there. hmm…it’s a whole new world opening up. I can’t really describe it..gah

overcome by unknown yearning

The wolf makes an apperance in the oddest of places. I wandered aimlessly off for lunch and found a new place to curl up in, nearby a Starbucks stand that does reasonable enough decaff. On the table were strewn a few copies of a book, the cover of which showed a screaming man, flesh half gone from his face. It is entitled “Wild Animus”

And on the back it says:
“I watch my hooves swish through the tussocks, marveling at the miracle of four legs. This body knows this land, these mountains at the edge of the world, and this heart yearns for the unseen, opening ahead with every thrust. I feel myself more and more a ram.

To be a leaper. To live life on my toes, letting what greats me sharpen my eye an instant before…A saddle rises at the valley’s head. Beyond that, peaks are dimly visible behind a veil of cloud. The doubts chatter louder – squirrels calling from swell to swell. Where are you headed so fast? Don’t you have a clue? This mounting dread, what does it mean? I wish I knew”

I lay on a sofa and read the prologue and the first few chapters..oh, it’s been too long since I engrossed myself in fiction, and I can always tell because when I do it is as if my soul reaches out to feed hungrily on the descriptions, vivid imagery rises in my mind as I scan the words, so intensely I can taste and see and smell it all – each sentence is a morsel, barely enough to ingest, just sufficient to stir some greater appetite.

Where does this appetite come from, this yearning? The desire to run into and through all this… I look at the computer, the words I type, the rush through daily ritual, the excitement and wonder but yet there is something missing, something I have forgotten..

right *now* I can feel my heart beating, the sensations of breath, warmth,life…why can’t I be satisfied with the computers and jobs and incomes and careers and pensions, what *is* it that drives me and pulls me always away into some other place,space,mind-view. To run down wild paths.. this feeling,now,overwhelms me and I don’t know what to do with it : so alive, so raw, the joys and pains all come together and all I can do is try and get them out in typed words, put them away, back in the box, close the door, question later.

(back to work..)

What feeds me? creativity, magic, love. that and the Wilds, which I’ve been away from too long..and I say that last one too much… 😉