..and I still feel more in my body than ever before. Parts of me are rebelling, wanting to go backwards to where I was before. But this feels like such a good change, and the intensity of life has turned up.
To be more present is to see more, and I can’t so easily withdraw away into intellectual fuzz or numbness. I’ve TRIED to escape in the usual ways, but drugs make naseous and running to others arms/lives doesn’t satisfy me – instinct and self-will rises up and demands that I go back to my own space and be alone, to sit in the centre of my web, and not be afraid to claim the life that is mine.
It has helped I’m having a hiatus week or so holiday, with lots of friends visiting, no normal routine, no work, and even a break from the massage. Allowing things to settle down and shift into new positions. Everything that has gone before seems unreal to me. I can’t quite put my finger on where I am now but it is different. Different and yet more real.
TOUCH ME TOUCH ME TOUCH ME! – I suddenly find myself craving contact not for reassurance but for communication. I massaged my teacher yesterday and she said it was amazing; I find it amazing to be able to express ALL of who I am, bring it all to the moment and into my hands. Touch does not lie in the same way words can. … and, she said that she could feel I was using my intuition and my instincts a lot; dare I even dream that I’ve found a way to express the wildness in me?
I’ve been reading books on orgasms and gently confronting the shame that’s disconnected me from it all for too long..that it is ok for women to be sexual. I can almost feel the fire and the light within me now… and yet with all this comes a danger, a sense of exposure and fragility. Last night I realised that I need to keep this all somewhat hidden, to be careful, and to watch pride more than ever before.
I had a very strange dream last night when I was taking hormone pills to shift my gender, to disguise myself as a boy for some plot to seduce my (suspected gay) massage teacher John. Even my dreams are more body orientated, I had shifts in voice and form, I could feel muscles developing it was strange.. and yet I was desperate to get back to my own body, horrified that the change back might take months. hmm
I’ve never felt this sense of rightness with my own body or self before. What happens next..?