I really believe if you get your intention focused enough, you can draw events to you. Sometimes the world has a twisted sense of humour; months back I was going on about wanting to have a new romance and now the universe provides such an option just when it’s complicated 🙂
I recognised a while ago that there are roughly three centres in me, head, heart and gut/gonads. Heart is usually quiet unless you learn how to listen and calm down the clamour of the other two. The exceptions seem to be heart-ache and falling in love. My personal feeling is that I can integrate everything together in the heart, and decided to try and use my mind and will to pursue my heart’s desire. Sounds quite romantic and floaty but actually it takes more courage than you think especially in a world so head-orientated. *And* it seems to involve continual pushing of comfort zones. The unexpected bonus is that when I DO something in alignment with my heart I get a rush of joy and child-like enthusiasm for life in general, and I think I’m having more fun now than any point in my life so far.
After taking some time out, I’ve decided that what I REALLY want to achieve is getting to the point that I can make a living as a therapist possibly developing into a teacher. This might sound obvious to everyone else, why else did I do the course?? But in reality as soon as the exams were done, and I took a break, it’s as though I’ve fallen into a kind of quicksand of life, sucking me back in, enveloping me with promises of laziness or just hedonism. I’ve realised that the next step is to make a some final real PUSH, a commitment to following this, to enter it whole heartedly and risk dissapointment, to realise I AM good enough to do it and it’s not an unrealistic notion.
And it helps to have a massage and remember how nice they are. My teacher/friend Sharon and I met up yesterday at a wonderful house where you can rent out therapy rooms by the hour. She gave me a massage (my first ‘professional’ one) and it was bliss bliss bliss mmmmmmm….yes. I particularly enjoyed having my hands massaged. She is quite ‘intuitive’ and can read a lot about a person from their body. She told me my hands are desperate to create something and I REALLY should make time for drawing again. Also that there is an awful lot of change and activity going on in my body and heart, it is like some kind of vortex..again this sounds about right. The best bit is when she said I had a real little girl in me still, full of life and joy.
Afterwards I was telling her about my fears of advertising my massage on the psychology mailing list at the university.. I have a weird complex where I don’t want the academics I’m working for, one used to be my tutor, finding out I do massage. I don’t know why.. I think it’s because I feel they would somehow dissaprove or it would make them realise the truth which is I’m not REALLY thinking of pursuing academia after all. It’s the ghost of the student-me coming back to haunt me. (?)
Sharon told me she was surprised to hear that, as she doesn’t see me as someone who is afraid; actually she see’s me as someone really brave. It’s not the first time people have told me that but I always find it hard to accept. I’d prefer to say ‘reckless’ 🙂 No..to be fair to myself, I HAVE done a lot that involved pushing myself through fear..it helps if you read a lot of DUNE books.
And yes, I am afraid and somewhat skeptical about getting this massage thing going. But I am going to try and marshall everything I’ve got together to make it happen. I don’t have much choice as my job at the uni will terminate next decemeber..and as I said before, I’m not going back to the office!
I’ve made some business cards now and started handing them out, I also have plans to talk to the clinical psychologists in the department and see if they would be interested in reffering particularly stressed people to me for some relaxation..if nothing else I can have a good debate with them about the importance of touch.
….It’s funny, sometimes I think we catch glimpses of our dream life, and it seems too good to be true, so we write it off without even trying. Why is that?