“Dark night flyer, lift me higher
Realms of life where loved ones go,
That I might find joy mind to mind,
My heart hurt less. I miss them so.
Teach me that death can hurt much less
If I accept it as no end,
But see it true, just another view
Of life continuing round a bend.”
“Bat is a powerful totem that carries a very heavy message. It is usually misunderstood, for it is more comfortable to ignore the teachings of bat — which is all about fear. Bat brings up our most hidden fears; those that lurk in the dark corners of our mind and spirit; those that make us break out in a cold sweat. He is telling you that it is time to bring these fears to the light. Nothing is greater torture than hiding such fears for our very refusal to acknowledge and deal with them only magnifies them, gives them even more power over us, and turns them into destructive monsters.
If you follow the teachings of bat, it may seem that things get only worse. They may for a time until you bring each of your fears into the full light of Spirit, tear them apart thoroughly, examine each element of that fear (where it came from and how it is influencing your life) with total honesty, and let it go — out of your mind — out of your heart — out of your spirit. It’s time for serious self-examination and self-evaluation.
Always remember the positive power of bat. It is the symbol of the shaman death. This is not actual, physical death, but the death of old fears, old ways that no longer serve you, old belief systems that you have grown beyond, old prisons that have held your very soul captive. The beauty of bat? Once you pass through the darkness into the light…..YOU CAN FLY! You are transformed. You are re-born. You are free.”
nb : pmt time
I woke up at 02:20am last night, a little hung-over from earlier indulgence of red wine. 30 seconds after I woke up a text message appeared from Isaac, a hopefuly reply full of misplaced sentiment. I’d resisted texting him all day but after drinking wine it didn’t seem so important; I was drunk, pmt-ing, and desperate for attention; touch, intimacy, reassurance that I am here and I am alive. Mike and I have been making progress but with that comes the breakdown of barriers that kept me safe and happy in my chosen singledom; last time he was here we swapped massage, his touch was full of love and I realised that my body craves it so deeply; NEEDS it, not sex but just that simple contact. And now I miss it, and find myself for the first time ever really getting jealous and sad about couples like John and Rachel, Erin and Deke, who are together all the time…. I want that but I don’t know how to have it. I’ve never really had that consistant presence of a person in my life, not even with my parents. I get frustrated at money, jobs, and the seeming impossibility of pulling it together with Mike – I know he’s working now but it still seems impossible and distant, and the disspointments of the last few years are hard to let go. Even though I know a lot of them are to do with me.
Looking back over the last few years, it has been a long long time since I really had to go through being alone and untouched for long periods. Substitute boyfriends left right and centre; I could orchestrate these comparmentalised lives and pull them out the cupboard the moments I needed them, to some extent. I wasn’t even aware or conscious about this : indeed Isaac WAS going to be here the last few days, and last night, but I told him a while back not to bother coming. I had to consciously stop it. It’s still hard for me to choose not to have stuff, especially attention and especially love.
But I am glad, all the same, because I know that I need this time, I even need and WANT the time away from Mike, painful and desperate though it can get. I am still very much going through a death-rebirth process, this one bigger than ever. Last night I was lying in bed, and my lower back/sarcum was hot and hurting, I felt as though I just needed to curl up in a cave and be reborn but first need to extend out, crack the bones, break up and through SOMETHING. Fears and hurts have been rising to the surface, as they often do this time of the month, but this time I want to see them and release more of them.
The relationship between Mike and I is caught up in all this, as it is also in itself going through a painful emotional joyful death-rebirth process, and I genuinally hope we will have a whole new way to be together by the end of it. For me, relationship ITSELF is one of my biggest fears. But I think, or feel, that in a way he is one of the few aspects of my life that will be coming with me, albeit transformed.
So much of the rest of it I have to let die. I really do feel that I’ve got to leave behind so much of my life to date in order to make room for the new life I want to pursue. The massage course in brighton pushed everything to a whole new level; challenging and inspiring me at the same time. I CAN start working on more energetic levels NOW, albeit I have a lot to develop in terms of grounding, listening, perception and so on…this terrifies and excites me : but most of all its brought me up to walls of resistance in myself, I get in my own way, I block it almost. A kuan yin poem I pulled out the other day said something along the lines of “you were given a gift from heaven, but you lost it by listening to fools. Now you will have to work hard to regain what you have lost”… the way I start to see this is, yes, it is almost as though I am seeking to reclaim an ability I’ve had but blocked myself..the fools being my own mind, doubts, fears.
I feel as though I’m only on the tip of the iceburg of all this. And that I will have to keep walking alone to get through this, even amongst the support of my friends. I’ve been having quite a few dreams about my own death and yet I’ve yet to pull them through to consciousness. The way it feels is this it NOT about jettisoning or cutting of the past, but rather letting it die, rot, allowing the goodness to be taken in an integrated but other parts left behind.
article on shaman and shadow