Mutant fish dream

This seemed pretty vivid so thought I’d make a note
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I was in London somewhere, it was day and sun. I was trying to catch some fish out of part of the thames, though it was more of an enclosed bit of water, murky and dark and dirty looking. I was catching some fish and they were ending up in a pile floating on top of the water where I couldn’t get them easily.

The water stirred and this huge mutated fish-creature came to the surface. She almost looked like she had no head and just a stumpy tail, like a big piece of living fish-flesh like you’d buy in the shop. Thrashing about. Someone said it was a hammerhead shark, and you saw the face, and it looked a little dented in and weirdly grotesque. Even without looking exactly like a shark, there was danger about it and you know it would try to eat you. Parts of the flesh were mouldy and black and you could see bones through.

I was worried about the fish I’d been catching, as she was obviously going to try and eat them. I was trying to figure out if I could get them out of the water without too much danger

Sci was around or with me. He ended up either weirdly mutated as a kind of pinkish squid creature or at least as though he was somehow stuck in a costume – you could see his head as normal poking out the top. The point is he looked like this Fish-creatures food, and it grabbed him with tentacles I think and was dragging him towards her mouth. I stopped being afraid at this point and started being angry. I remember realising that this was a dream and thus I could DO stuff (this has been a familiar theme lately and echoes my life a bit). I started doing magic basically, pulling the elements around, burning the fish, pushing it up with geysers of water and so on (something about using water ‘its own element’ AGAINST it seemed key). In the end I managed to rescue him and get rid of the fish-creature. I also found my caught fish washed up, but not as fresh or tasty as I thought they would be, instead also black and with ribs showing, disease etc.

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“Project Clear Space”

Lately I’ve been increasingly frustrated by all the STUFF I’ve accumulated. How it fills up so much room, and ends up messy, and I can’t find anything I need. How I have lots of stuff I don’t want any more, it weighs me down. Moving out of John and Rachels was great, till they started dumping all the crap at the doorstep too, and I never got round to sorting it out.

Add to that a weird compulsion to buy MORE things. Why do I do this? I want to stop. I just want to stop rushing about, procrastinating-seeking-filling up everything and actually deal with what I have. I’m very good at starting new things (a lot of my STUFF is a reminder of half started projects) but not at maintaining something I already have…a skill I want to-need to learn now I want to build up my massage career etc.

This means re-learning old habits. I was explaining to Liz – this is what I’ve grown up with – backstory

strangeness

I woke up the morning and wondered what on earth was going on with me yesterday.

I did some great massage on a Danish girl, Signe, (See-na) and at the same time used her as a model whilst Duncan took a load of photos. I’m hoping to have good material for some new-improved leaflets…with 3 clients (potentially) on sunday it would be nice to have something decent to give them.

Afterwards I went back to her house, which is in an old corner of Exeter and faces on to a beautiful enclosed green square with huge trees and plants…like an oasis of calm amongst all the roads. We sat outside as the night settled, and chatted about Japan, and culture, and feminism, and life, and drank licorice tea, eating fruit and coconut biscuits. She got a candle out once it was dark enough, and it was All Quite Amazing really. Shame she is leaving the country in a few months!

On reaching home I noticed I actually already HAVE some Lapis Lazuli on my shrine. I think I got it from Avesbury when I was travelling with Erin-Blaze. I tried putting it on my third eye and the sodalite on my throat, and some rose quartz on my heart, and paid attention to see if it felt as though it was doing anything. This morning I wondered what on earth I was doing.


I dreamt of tidal waves of snow, and deserts of snow crashing over everything, filling in civilization and tunnels. At one point I was swamped in it, frozen, demanding supreme effort of willpower to move and try and get out. I also dreamt of a childrens book, old, faded, I started writing/copying words into the gaps that were left.. and interesting stories involving my granny and her two sons…at one point she was singing joyfully-mournfully and her voice sounded like a young woman or child.

Chaos theory stuff (note to self)

found this page whilst responding to something on Erin-Blaze’s journal..
Chaos Consciousness and Healing”

very interesting at the moment. Skimmed it a bit, will read more thoroughly later.

“Even mental illness may relate to the phenomena of strange attractors in the brain or emotional field. Some researchers believe, for example, that a number of mental disorders, such as manic-depressive illness and schizophrenia, occur when biological regulatory systems cease to operate at their normal, fixed point and change suddenly to another stable but abnormal point.
In chaos theory, when an attractor disappears due to sudden catastrophic change, the system becomes structureless and experiences a term of “transient chaos” before another attractor is found.

The primal image is the attractor and it forms based on the organism’s interaction with the “Not-I” or environment. An individual’s personal myth or mytheme might be conceived as an activated chaotic attractor. In another phase of life, the focus could change to others. Sometimes these transitions are fairly smooth, other times catastrophic, sweeping the old structure away in an uncontrollable fashion.

The ego can suffer greatly from this jerking around by the deep forces within, especially if it doesn’t have enough information about its purpose to derive meaning from the experience. For some, the disruption leads to a nervous breakdown or psychotic break, while for others it opens the doors into a new freedom and expanded sense of self.”

addition – dream update/crystals

I was over in Cornwall House this morning to do my laundry, and discovered a stall selling some nice crystal jewellery. I remembered another bit of my dream last night — the gypsy/indian gave me two big pieces of crystal, I held one in each hand (like the stones) and he said “this is lapis lazuli and it will help you” or something like that. There was a lot of power connected to these stones. They were blue, but looked abit more like blue lace agate – paler than the dark lapis lazuli colour.

What caught my eye on the crystal stall was a bit of what turned out to be sodalite – I wondered if was lapis lazuli initially; the seller didn’t have any. But she did have a crystal book which I looked up the properties of sodalie and lapis lazuli; they were both very pertinant to me right now.

…Just done some research on lapis lazuli, discovered it is a rock rather than a crystal. It is one of the oldest mined (and still mined) material…popular with egyptian jewellery and pharoahs. Interesting as I really like Egyptian mythology and feel I have a connection of some sort there.

Funny that the stone in my drema was a very pale colour, looked more like a stone, not the deep blue of lapis..and yet that name was very clear when he told me what it was. hmm…

“Lapis Lazuli is known as the gem of friendship, integrity and truth, encouraging honesty and dignity

It has been used to treat problems affecting the neck and throat, as well as for boosting the immune system and protecting against infections. It is a very good throat chakra crystal”

this page is also interesting. I know I have some big issue in my throat – an energetic block of some kind making it hard to bring energy up from the body into the mind. What is interesting about the properties of lapis is that many sites mention that it helps you speak with integrity (what was I writing about yesterday??) and also works with the throat chakra. I think I need to find some!

Meanwhite, Sodalite is also about confidence and balance. I ended up buying a really nice necklace made of a leather strip with sodalite, clear quartz and freshwater pearls on it. Also some sodalite earrings, and finally a rosequartz bead necklace. The last one came from askign the girl about whether she thought there was any truth the healing properties of crystals, and she said that a friend of hers is really in to it and finds rosequartz great at absorbing negative energy. She herself wears one when using computers and it stops the mugginess. I explained to her about my recent massage on Jem’s mum, who had some emotional/energetic release which partly went into me and messed me up a bit — sympathetic nervous system into overdrive. I thought I’d try the rosequartz. As a consequence, the girl asked me if I had a card, because her mum might like some stone massage from me 🙂 so who knows!

“Sodalite fuels your creative processes and enhances wisdom. It also helps one make clear rational, logical decisions. Sodalite helps one to speak their truth in a way others can understand. It is recommended you use this stone if doing presentations in a business environment.

As a elixir it helps to give one self confidence. It also helps fight lymphatic cancer. One may use the this elixir as a salve to treat inflammations.

Sodalite may be used for massage in sphere, egg or wand form.”

the last bit is quite interesting too….hm…..

Dream crafting and tent

I really should be writing down my dreams there is so much in them at the moment. I want to bring them back to waking consciousness maybe I just need to put more intention into doing so. maybe writing this down will help the intention start. My dream-self is busy learning and crafting. Sunday night I played in waves crashing over a steep bank of stones; there were waves on both sides, like a mirror of the sea, or it split in half with the waves coming in seperated from the waves going out.The shift was from moving myself into the waves heading from the shore out to sea,moving with this more expansive motion, it felt more right and cleansing and playful.

Last night, a zombie-monster dream again…I get a lot of these and it doesn’t take much to inspire them. There was a lot set in woodland, sparse woodland with dark pine trees, fences, zombie-monsters in the darkness. I found a gyspy-native american, went into his tepee(sp?) to learn some power involving totems that would help against the zombies. There was also something about meeting with parents/family for a childs birthday party perhaps? or cocktail party? some sort of surreal forced celebratory event amongst the ending of humanity. Memories are so hazy over all this.

Speaking of tepees, a couple of saturdays ago, when we still had sunny weather, I had a fairy adventure day with Jess-fox. We went to a garden-park and watched otters and birds of prey..they also had a tepee which I went inside… It was great, had a stove/fire in the middle but also some carpet and an old sofa. Art on the walls. Dark and smelling blissfully of woodsmoke. I felt very much at home there, I wonder that the cave + fire is something primal memory in us. I know that at least 70% of my enjoyment of a cigarette is actually about the smoke and the smell of it — I crave not so much the nicotine but fires and smoke. I have recently bought a tent and once we get some nice weather I want to get out as much as I can and just be outside with a fire.

At the same time I have this desire to clear away/get rid of as much of my ‘stuff’ as I can. I’m resenting it almost at the moment, just want to have as little as possible. Strange.

Muppety Massage Mistakes

…..aaaaaah………………….

Amazing if crazy and intense last few weeks. I’ve done everything from punked up dancing to 80’s hard rock up in London (with Josie, which was awesome), to being a gangster’s Moll and smoking with a long cigarette holder at Liz’s bday, to learning how to catch, kill and gut my own rainbow trout.

My whole life and being has changed a bit and it’s exciting if slightly uncomfortable. The intensity has been turned up and I feel more HERE and I keep expecting to wake up or to loose it, and I’m not. A month after my ritual I met up with Michael and had a good chat about it all. It was after a week of sun and hot stone course and I was feeling great. And present. And real. And HERE. My relationship with myself has changed, and that with Mike as well, to my amazement and joy. And also to other men, and to love. I feel in the centre of it all and the sense, or perhaps AWARENESS of the influence of my own actions, my power to create and to choose, is quite daunting. But at the same time very fun and exciting – I feel a lot like a kid again and can laugh more easily which is great.

Sitting outside as the evening turned to night, I described how I felt, and wondered if you CAN go back, aside from numbing yourself with drink (been tempting a couple of times). He said that he only knew one person that had ‘got as far as I had’ and lost it, although that was because she had a nervous breakdown. But that he didn’t expect me to do that.

Fine – though THIS friday night, when finally collapsing into a tiny guest house room with Mike, I felt right on the edge of it. This was not just the running about, but something really deep in me, overwhelming fear and panic about starting out with this massage stuff (my first client on the sunday), about not being good enough, about lots of late night things I can’t even recall now I’m on the other side of it.

The Matrix is being an amazing analogy at the moment, I feel at the moment that Neo has woken up to it all, has just had the fun kick-ass kung fu fighting, and now is told about the responsbility of being the chosen one (note – I’m not saying I’m the chosen one, THOUGH I have been developing an interesting sense of part of me being sacred and divine)…also seeing the sheer horror of the people stuck in all these machines, and the general scary nature of the machines themselves. Meanwhile I’ve had all these ‘agents’ running amok in my mind, I see them as all the depressive/restrictive/low-ego thoughts trying to keep me constrained in who I was.

But I CANT go back to that now, even though it is safe…that way leads to the crazy anxiety stuff. I have to push on and be prepared to step up to the challenge. I almsot want a new name, and feel that I have to craft this new identity if I’m going forwards with this massage and health work. Or even just a new identity as a self-aware self-cofindent WOMAN rather than a teenager-girl. Dare I do that?? Dare I claim this life I’ve been crafting for years now, own it, live it. Be assured in my own worth and value. Head out into the unknown even with disapproval… and how to live like this whilst being incognito enough to hide from the ‘agents’ and ‘machines’ and not be burnt as a witch?

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So as part of this there are three big lessons I’m learning, aspects of personality I need to shift, mostly the coyote-muppet way of doing it wrong over and over and trying to keep a smile on my face. A lot of this seems to be a process of becoming less naive and trusting that others are out for the common good.

One of them is about saying what I mean, and not feeling like I have to self-justify. Just stand there and say it and people can accept it or not. Just SAY it and then DO it. I have a horrible tendency to either make things more complicated OR weave these strange lies/half truths to try and make things easier somehow. And in doing so loose my own integrity or end up not keeping enough for myself to stay health/sane. I’ve started just saying ‘this is where I’m at’ and shutting up before the ‘because’ and ‘why’s and it’s going really well.

The second one is learning to be incognito. That there are only a few people I can share certain things with — and the rest don’t need to know! I realised from my mum when she pointed it out that if I go on to all the other therapists’ at Neal’s Yard (say) about what I’m doing and how great it is, either they will get competitive or they could start stealing/emmulating my stuff! So I need to protect myself from that. (which is a tough one for me to realise). The flip side of this is being the crazy witch who gets burnt at the stake — the way my thoughts and activities are going is getting increasingly non-standard and if I spout too much around the place to the wrong people I could get in trouble.

The third, and quite BIG one is getting out of the horrible habit of making self-depreceating comments or ‘jokes’ about myself and my life to people who I need to give a professional impression to. includes the academics, therapists, and the people at Neals yard (who I ballsed up a bit with on sunday but its ok now). I trace this right back to school days. I make light of who I am to get a few laughs (acceptance??) or as a strange way to hide what is really important. To hide my own value. YES I still want to laugh and actually I’m getting my wit back — but sometimes I imply something about myself which is actually a lie. I do it as a kind of ‘self-justification’ but it really does put me down. An example is joking to the lady at Neal/s Yard that part of why I was going home was having a big night out at Liz’s bday the night before…implying that I had a bit of a hangover ‘you know how it is’ etc…actually I was carefull not to drink much and get an early night, and I was really pissed off with myself when I realised what I’d said later!

All these tie up into basically a increased NEED for AWARENESS about what goes out of my mouth and what impression I’m giving out, as well as being a bit more with-it when it comes to paying attention to who is around me and might be listening.

this is not as paranoid as it sounds – more basic obvious life skills that I’ve yet to pick up on!

here’s hoping the muppet in me will actually get it sometime soon, if not I’m sure more lessons are on the way….

feeling good to have this all down, and looking forward to a nice evening with Liz.

OH!!!! The other big lesson which is slightly disconected is letting go a bit of my expectations and desire or order everything in life and then panic/stress over it. A lot has happened in a good way lately by me trying to stay present, aware, and let life unfold in other ways than i expected it would.