Managed to transform anger into action on monday which left me fired up all evening on energy and adrenaline. Feel a bit like I’m reclaiming parts of myself. The other day I just came home and crashed on the bed, my mind almost feverish like with strange thoughts burning round and round. Realised I hadn’t just stopped and let that happen for a while, and that it’s important. Drew a picture which I should really upload …may have more done by the end of the weekend.
The anger was basically over Mike not getting a job, but went much deeper than that to basically this notion of being a ‘good girl’ and just being nice to people and praying and putting up and then, if you are REALLY GOOD then you get what you want. It was also likely because this is maybe one of the first times I’ve really really really wanted something to happen and it hasn’t. Also anger to do with not being in control perhaps.
anyway it was better than mopiness. I keep thinking about Isaacs commentry on having to fight to be happy. That really struck with me, and has been sinking in the last few days. It’s great when life is peaches but its not always just going to happen like that. Life can be a fight, and getting what and where you want can be something worth fighting for, and you don’t always get what you want. The important thing is that this doesn’t matter. And it doesn’t mean you’ve failed.
Along with this new sense of “FUCK IT I’m not taking crap any more” I’ve also had to face some humility issues regarding the massage. Be ok with the fact I’m at the beginning and that even though I know much more can be done, that I will be much better, I can only work from where I’m at right now. And that’s ok. I don’t need to be perfect straight away. This is quite obvious but hard to grasp.
anyway………….tomorrow I get my one day off a week. And I’m not going anywhere. I don’t have anyone visiting. And I’ve just been paid. So I’m spending money on myself for the sheer hell of it. In fact it’s almost a spiritual activity now I’ve decided I want to honour my self and my body more (ok so last night I got drunk on red wine and smoked but hey). It’s OK to do stuff for yourself.
I’ve bought lovely lovely food from M&S today. Fruit, sea bass, pancakes for breakfast, strawberries and cream, salad, pastrami. Stuff I really love. I also spent a while in Lush thinking about what I was going to pamper myself with tomorrow. I’m going to get some henna for my hair (I left some strands in the shop today to test it out on..). I’m thinking about getting up in the morning, having my pancake breakfast before wandering into town, buying myself a new book (maybe art supplies?) and sitting in a coffee shop enjoying it.
Just remembered I need to pick my flute up from the shop where it’s been fixed.
Making an amazing salad lunch, possible feyhra will be joining me, then getting on with slapping goo in my hair, reading more book, perhaps doing some art. Or just watching girly films munching on M&S choc brownie or crisps.
A really nice bottle of Rose will be making an apperance at some point.
Even THINKING about all this is relaxing me. I definitely recommend to everyone giving themselves a pampering day.
will get some photos for the henna adventure.