Managed to transform anger into action on monday which left me fired up all evening on energy and adrenaline. Feel a bit like I’m reclaiming parts of myself. The other day I just came home and crashed on the bed, my mind almost feverish like with strange thoughts burning round and round. Realised I hadn’t just stopped and let that happen for a while, and that it’s important. Drew a picture which I should really upload …may have more done by the end of the weekend.

The anger was basically over Mike not getting a job, but went much deeper than that to basically this notion of being a ‘good girl’ and just being nice to people and praying and putting up and then, if you are REALLY GOOD then you get what you want. It was also likely because this is maybe one of the first times I’ve really really really wanted something to happen and it hasn’t. Also anger to do with not being in control perhaps.

anyway it was better than mopiness. I keep thinking about Isaacs commentry on having to fight to be happy. That really struck with me, and has been sinking in the last few days. It’s great when life is peaches but its not always just going to happen like that. Life can be a fight, and getting what and where you want can be something worth fighting for, and you don’t always get what you want. The important thing is that this doesn’t matter. And it doesn’t mean you’ve failed.

Along with this new sense of “FUCK IT I’m not taking crap any more” I’ve also had to face some humility issues regarding the massage. Be ok with the fact I’m at the beginning and that even though I know much more can be done, that I will be much better, I can only work from where I’m at right now. And that’s ok. I don’t need to be perfect straight away. This is quite obvious but hard to grasp.

———

anyway………….tomorrow I get my one day off a week. And I’m not going anywhere. I don’t have anyone visiting. And I’ve just been paid. So I’m spending money on myself for the sheer hell of it. In fact it’s almost a spiritual activity now I’ve decided I want to honour my self and my body more (ok so last night I got drunk on red wine and smoked but hey). It’s OK to do stuff for yourself.

I’ve bought lovely lovely food from M&S today. Fruit, sea bass, pancakes for breakfast, strawberries and cream, salad, pastrami. Stuff I really love. I also spent a while in Lush thinking about what I was going to pamper myself with tomorrow. I’m going to get some henna for my hair (I left some strands in the shop today to test it out on..). I’m thinking about getting up in the morning, having my pancake breakfast before wandering into town, buying myself a new book (maybe art supplies?) and sitting in a coffee shop enjoying it.

Just remembered I need to pick my flute up from the shop where it’s been fixed.

Making an amazing salad lunch, possible feyhra will be joining me, then getting on with slapping goo in my hair, reading more book, perhaps doing some art. Or just watching girly films munching on M&S choc brownie or crisps.

A really nice bottle of Rose will be making an apperance at some point.

Even THINKING about all this is relaxing me. I definitely recommend to everyone giving themselves a pampering day.

yay.

will get some photos for the henna adventure.

right now I want to destroy the world. I want to tear God’s balls off and shove them down his cold unfeeling throat. I want to rip apart love and all those who have someone they love with them. I am so angry at it all my body shakes and my jaws clench and I want to let it out in a rush of dark obliteration. I was sitting curled up in a ball in the university chapel crying and then just standing near the alter staring at the cross and feeling “I HATE YOU”. I contemplated kicking over the benches and smashing the glass and blowing out the fucking eternal burning candle. Empty building empty fucking childhood promises of fucking fairness.

I lit a candle. I prayed to keep my hope even when it fucking tears me to pieces. To not get overcome by this bile and anger. Or to vent it out as something more constructive perhaps, rather than destruction.

It’s in my jaws now, circling round in my masseter muscles like some dense inky restless dragon..anger. In my fists as they clench and I want to kill. Mostly in my jaws, and up to my eyes, and indeed back down through my whole body

Anger is one thing, hatred is another. Don’t let this turn to hatred. Hatred twists everything, and into my mind rise a thousands insults, bitter jaded lumps of maggoty flesh.It horrifies me and invigorates me in a really bad way.

luckily I find this kind of amusing and I think coyote will stop me going over the edge on this one

Solstice blessings everyone!

I am off to stonehenge now, with friends, to dance about in the strong winds and possible thunderstorm rain. My period started this morning and I feel strong, grounded and powerful, perfect timing. It seems as though all this pressure has been building up and something big is happening, or about to happen.

Blaze-Erin – I am wearing your wolf pendant to charge it up some, and then will send it back soon after this.

*love*

I have been full of light and exuberance of late, but I saw my shadow in the forest the other day. Like something crouched in the darkness. It scared me but I named him out loud, so he no longer has power over me.. the name that came into my mind was Scourge. There is a place for our shadow though and I wonder perhaps tonight I am going to invite him to join me in this dance..

I discovered the “Embodied Living” workshop in bristol last weekend through a sudden lightning flash of coiincidence and oppurtunity. So I had to go. It was on the theme of “Biodynamic Psychotherapy –
Meeting the psyche in the body”. Which if you’ve known me for a while is one of my key ultimate interests.

tangent
Along with the workshop, the weekend to bristol also included randomly staying overnight friday at a bloke’s house who used to work at Torex. He ended up in Goa for 3 months after booking a flight out there when high on some crazy drug cocktail. Gave up his job and just went. Is now working to earn the money to get back out there. Was surprised by how much healthier and younger he looks after the travelling – he was wandering around in a white hippy-surfer floaty shirt and also has slightly wavy long dark blond hair bleached by the sun. Funny when you meet someone again and suddenly they look attractive to you just by a change of image. Interesting thing is that I think he is around 41 something by now, and yet still living like a 20 year old. Mixed feelings about whether this is commendable or not. 🙂

I also got to see my bro, getting ready for Japan, and got quite emotional when he cooked bolognase for us and we just sat and watched South Park. it’s been probably about 10 years since we regularly did stuff together and I miss it.
/end tangent

the workshop blew me away. For a start it confirmed a lot of what I’ve been pondering on for ages involving repression of emotion in the body and the consequences thereof. Also has provided me with a way to see how western and eastern methods can start to overlap.

I can’t really explain what happened on the workshop itself – but there was only myself and other girl, also interestingly caeserian born. We ended up having 2 days of therapy, watching and helping the process of the other person as well as going through stuff ourselves. A big deal for me was when my body led me through a birth process which I wrote down in a note book and have typed up below. actually am not sure when I’ll be ready to write it here.

It’s taking me a while to integrate, indeed it is still happeneing. I wondered if I should just throw away the osteopathy idea and somehow find a way to concentrate on doing the biodynamic stuff…but actually I do enjoy the real hands on massagey type work and I’m not sure I can see myself as someone confident with words.

….hmm this is kind of unfinished but never mind. more to come perhaps.

One of the big penny drops at the biodynamic workshop was realising that it’s ok to be calm and quiet, that I don’t always need to be manic, that feeling ‘low’ is not ‘bad’ and actually learning to be ok with all my emotions is the key.

So I was really very hyper and active earlier this week, but now I’m feeling calmer and more down. I had some solitude time again last night which is good but still just sitting with myself and being alone is tough at times. I’m at the point in the month where I feel loneliness particularly keenly.

After clearing up my room some more I’ve reorganised my shrine, now putting the beautiful elk model in the middle of it, and also a goddess card to artemis/diana. Her enegry is a kind of theme at the moment and I think it is about me learning to value the loneliness and be without men. Kind of tough at times, but at the same time empowering.

Anyway I didn’t smoke or drink to numb the lonely feeling but instead sat by my shrine and sang for a while. Not sure why but non-verbal singing seems a good way to express loneliness (at least crying or being angry doesnt’ seem quite right). I did manage to find some monents of stillness and real connection to my body, and also found all kinds of random memories from the last months coming up and being shuffled around and organised….. this kind of mental-spiritual housekeeping strikes me as very important because I suspect without taking the time for consolidation and recuperation I could burn out very quickly now I am taking more and more on board.

There is something a little spooky about sleeping in a house totally alone. On the one hand it is very peaceful, but I find it quite easy to start feeling like something else is there watching me or there are monsters in the cupboard 🙂

Dream – goth fashion show
All the same, it was nice to get to sleep, and suddenly have friends and lovers there. Went to an amazing goth-fashion show-catwalk event with Fox-Jess, mentalmadam-Jess, Liz and perhaps another couple of people. The models were either hauntingly beautiful in a thin vampiric way or really quite fat but still beautiful..the emphasis was on the clothes. Some of the models were wearing really revealing kinky stuff designed to emphasise their vaginas, which in some cases had been cut and slit in weird star shaped fashion and somehow inverted slightly so you could see the red-ness inside (kind of gross but at the same time compelling).

Something that stood out is that the woman running the show was someone I don’t think I’ve ever met but was so vivid I may have to draw her (though its tough to remember her face). She was called “Kitten” and was someone Fox-Jess knew from the past. She was a little like how I remember Ruin/Katie – short but full of presence and (in her words as she giggled her impressive boobs around) “bombastic”. Pretty and dancing really sensuously about the floor, giving the impression of something cat-like, and wearing a red corset top with black trim. Not evil or nasty but with a slight bitch/feral attitude about her that made you not want to cross her or interfere with her plans.

Sadly I woke up just before the show actually started, which is a shame because I think it would have rocked.

weird for me to have such an emphasis on CLOTHES as I don’t think this has ever really been something important before. Like how I can remember what Kitten was wearing. hmm.

Just remembered one of Sci’s nicknames for me is “Kitten”. hmm

There’s been a lot of great stuff happen in the last week, exciting things and an amazing birth experience I had on sunday. I wanted to write about it, and have done in my notebook, but not on here yet.

Something that I’ve realised is that’s its ok for me to be calm. I’ve let go of something in me which was constantly waiting to have life slam into me and knock me out in some way or the other. I don’t need to rush, run, talk so much or try and justify myself.

This has allowed me to feel even more exuberance than usual but today I feel like I just want to sit watch and be quiet. Strange for me!!

The best image I have is that I feel like a sphinx, that sense of stillness but watchfulness too, curiosity and wanting to see what will happen next. A kind of readiness.

It’s rather nice!

“spent a good 30 min last night just crying over lost loves, about how men who have confessed love and emotion to me have just moved on and over and never write or say hi anymore…and I wonder how they still think of me, if they ever do, like I do them. If they remember me fondly or not at all. Something about it all is so bittersweet. life moving on like a river we can’t stop it, all rushing towards different seas.. I watch people I used to be so close to move upstream away from me and it’s so hard to say goodbye forever. I can’t do it, and so I just cry sometimes. I don’t know how people can just put people into an ‘ex’ box and ‘move on’ denying emotion that was there….but I know WHY, I think, because people find it easier, easier to try and control the emotion.

What I realised yesterday is that with these men, Jon, Isaac, even Duncan, I felt there was something worth saving, I reach out towards them and get nothing back…it seems they don’t want to put the effort it or even realise. It’s hard perhaps to feel that someone doesn’t care about you that much anymore. I know a lot of them feel that they had to give me up but its sad that there actions just suggest ‘well I couldn’t have you as a girlfriend so I don’t want you at all’. even if thats the truth of it.

..sorry all just came out. the point is I’m just agreeing with you, that I understand on some level why you still want to see Mark, and also that its a messy confusing heart-rending thing. I like to hope that by working through it, like you are doing, something different can come out the other side. But I fear that unless BOTH sides are committed to making that happen, all that can result is heartache.”

in addition – the thing with all this is I KNOW why we just rush on with our lives and neglect those we were once really close to, and I’ve done this to several close friends in the past…gah. Just too busy rushing on and too afraid to stop and feel. I think realising all this is part of me waking up/becoming an adult.

on the flip side…
My relationship with Jon was 3 or 4 YEARS ago now. I’ve changed dramatically since then, and I suspect the same.I mourn something long gone, or mourn that we never carried somethign on… I don’t mind so much with him but its guys like Isaac, who I felt such joy that the has a gf now, and that we would be able to develop a friend-relationship or something else…but I feel him slipping away already. The same with female friends like Rachel, who has invited me out..well..not at all for the last few years. I was so excited when she asked if I wanted to come over for a cup of tea because I thought she wanted to see *me* – she did, but to announced her engagement to John (again, I was truly happy for them)..

anyway the flip side is, whilst these things go, the way other relationships I have are developing – with Erin-Blaze, Josie, Rob, Jess for example, are getting deeper, more heartfelt and love than ever before…and these are developing in a solid way, like roots getting into the earth, entwining together, enduring…and I feel the love from these people even when they are not with me.This is a real blessing to me 🙂 These are the kind of relationships which I feel will last and they bring me such joy.