I can’t believe how good it feels to have released so much of the stress I was holding on to, and finding joy and excitement in it’s place.
I am finding it very hard to focus myself on intellectual tasks at the moment, because I’m suddenly aware of my gut, my stomach, that area of body which I’ve hated for years. I almost feel as though my centre of being exists there right now. All I want to do is eat, sleep and simply exist for a while as I process it.
Getting some great noises coming out of it too!
— anyway found this article which I thought was quite intriguing
“This example shows that modern Western mysticism and its spiritual calling begins in our guts! This is not so amazing if one considers that our two thousand-year old Christian development has led into an almost grotesque overemphasis on the Logos. An important aspect of this development is that more and more of the important events of our daily life happen in the virtual world of the computer. The crash of this artificial world can be expected in the near future. This development will of course lead into a collective panic, which, in my opinion, only those people who have learned to concentrate on their belly with the help of some sort of a meditative and imaginative technique will survive. “
…should really try and make a note of these on waking up instead.
jewellry featured a lot in my dream last night. I was looking through different pieces of jewellery I own and saying what they meant. The turquoise necklace Blaze has given me was of importance, and there were other bits that I own in real life.
But I also had ruby earrings. tiny studs of pure ruby crystal. I’ve been carrying a lump of unrefined ruby around with me for a while so it doesn’t surprise me. They had been given to me as a gift by my..irish aunt I think? certainly the sense they were an heirloom of some kind though I’d never seen them before. They were very very small though and I was worried about loosing them…all the same I kept taking them out of the box.
magic people were attacking at some point.. my brother was fighting against me, he had been twisted/mind altered somehow and was all feral and crazy. I didn’t want them..her..some sort of witch..to steal my earrings, or see them because I knew they would see they were powerful and precious. I was keeping them in a tiny box along with the diamond jewellry Mike gave me years ago and I should really wear more. Towards the end of my dream I was in my own bed trying to stop them from falling down the side… I don’t think I lost them but I kept thinking I had, and I wasn’t being careful with them, at one point I thought they were broken because the silver holder was unscrewing/coming off. Strange to have a dream so focused on something so tiny!
Also at some point in the dream I looked at myself in the mirror. I saw a woman who was both older and younger than me. I/she had hair more like I did as an older teenager — longer seeming, not curly, it was even more long, thick and lusterous. It was amazing.
I had an amazing healing process over this last week. Starting off with a music festival and relaxing with Rob. Also Henry helped faciliate it in his last massage (which ended up being more a mix of other stuff, reiki, having him hold places or just give me space). More unwinding similar to my birth experience. The fear that clutches me tight in the solar plexus has shifted to excitement. my body went through the motions of choking,then coughing, that crying like a baby and then my airway just feels 5x the size and suddenly there is air getting right the way down to my pelvic floor. And I released a load more by laughing for about 15 min non stop, and my legs shaking. very intense. My whole world has shifted.
When you say to your body and soul — I am ready to heal. I am ready to see myself. I am ready to take responsibility. And you really mean it..then be ready for a crazy ride. 🙂
I almost forgot about this dream until I read about Blaze’s reiki experience, which jogged my memory a bit.
My dreams last night had quite a lot of shadow in them too, in ways I can’t quite put my finger on. Also going to this music festival with Rob, and Rachel and John too, and meeting interesting people there. Wondering where to put the tent and that kind of thing.
What stands out the most though is meeting this golden child. He/she wasn’t actually gold but gave that impression. I think it was triggered by looking at wonderful photo of Rachel’s cousin’s baby, who seems full of light and something special. The baby in my dream is one I’ve not seen before… s/he was full of condensed joy and wisdom and it was as though s/he had been born with full and expanded awareness, could speak already, and that kind of thing. This baby was so precious to me, I was talking to her (going to use that pronoun as easier) about the magnificant innocence and clear way babies can see before they start growing up. I wanted this baby with me. She looked me in the eye and told me “I will never leave you” which felt amazing. We were sitting in the bath together and I was worried about her being underwater and drowning, and my usual fears about not knowing how to hold babies etc, as her head was all wobbly. But even underwater she was looking up at me with piercing wise eyes, and laughing too like it was all fun. I still felt better getting her above water though.
The baby wasn’t ‘mine’ but also not anyone else’s in particular, it was as though she just appeared.
I’ve started trying to figure out how to work with crystals. I have a pendulum now which is quite fun and has a similar lively child energy to it. I finally got my lapis lazuli but after sleeping with it under my second chakra it seems to have totally dissapeared as though it has been absorbed. Its crazy but fun to think like that sometimes…it will be nice when I find it again.
It’s also occured to me this notion that in the 7 chakras…the heart is like the pivot point in the centre, then there are 3 ‘lower’ ones and 3 ‘higher’ ones. The Gut has a it’s only nervous system independent of the brain. In my mind there seems to be a correspondance between the root chakra and the throat chakra. I have issues with both too. Something to consider more later. I’m reading a great book on osteopathic medicine and my conception of the physiological organisation of the body is starting to shift in subtle but profound ways.
many things going on at the moment. In a strangely still-active way. I feel in my cocoon, busy transmuting catepillar organs all over the place into bits of butterfly. It’s not always neat, actually it’s not neat at all, but I’m having a smattering of ‘ahhhh….ok..!’ moments, and a lot of puzzle pieces of myself coming together.
Shadow work is interesting, emotional, difficult, illuminating and perversely fun in a ‘I like being smacked about by the universe’ kind of way.
A lot of weird dark dreams, but last night I had a really nice one..more on that in a mo.
Up and down emotions about Mike, something I realised yesterday about myself is that if something isn’t going ‘right'(actually, ‘perfect’) then I am very good at rewiring my brain to decide I don’t want it anyway. It’s very hard, and yet oddly simple, to find myself crying emotion down the phone at Mike because actually I really do want us to have a chance to be together, even though that may not happen now, for a long time, or ever. Realising..it’s ok to admitt that, that’s it’s ok to want things you can’t have…even if there is sadness in doing that, it’s better than when I try and turn myself to stone and tell myself all the reasons we are not good for each other and it won’t work anyway etc. I don’t need to be perfect. My life doesn’t need to be perfect. If things go wrong that doesn’t mean it’s bad. When hunting for food you don’t always get it, and sometimes you get kicked in the face….and this is just how things are.. This may sound obvious to a lot of people but it seems a huge thing to be filtering gently into my awareness. As I cried to Mike about this image of us riding off into the sunset beginning an adventure and a life together, about how I really wanted that, a butterfly flew into my office window, flitted around, came right over to me knee before flying off again. she looked a lot like the one I rescued from a spider web a few months ago.
I want to reclaim my grasping witch (I dreamt of her the other night, a hag with a twisted up face that was strangely beautful, cackling at the people who couldn’t see the unicorn horns as I could, twisting and weaving her hands in the air, forming realities out of inivisble colour. She smiled at me and I woke up feeling a bit more real.) My grasping witch is OK with wanting. I want to stop living in the world where things are perfect or disaster. When I can only see what needs to come next and not what’s been accomplished. Where I can see the simple joys and the flaws at the same time and not flit from one to the other.
In the world of my massage, I want to, for now, surrender my complex over money. To see that though this is a part of it, it doesn’t matter right now , or perhaps it is a different thread to the my deeper motives of going down this route. For example, last night I did my first non-friend £40 hot stone massage, over ran with time, only to return to my car 5 minutes after a £60 parking fine had been applied. At first I cried and stressed about the frustration of not making any money really, if anything perhaps loosing it by doing this ‘work’. But before I went to sleep I realised that nothing could take away from me the feeling of peace and groundedness that I enabled in myself and the highly stressed out woman, her calm at the end of it, her thanks and encouragement. The money will come, eventually, to stress about it now (only what, 4, 5 months into practicing???) when it can take a couple of years before you make money from therapy, is silly. There is much good that is coming out of my work so far, and it’s amazing to see that.
My dream last night had a lot of magic in it but then I had been reading Harry Potter to be fair. What was really nice was taking some ‘polyjuice’ potion and transforming myself into a wolf. Sometimes in my transformation dreams I’m aware I’m not physically becoming the animal, but mentall shifting as I used to a lot as a teenager…or something in between. I think in my dream I was shifting into that teenager wolf-girl, but with a new edge of action and fearlessness.. actually now I put my finger on it, the feeling was of shifting my energy field/awareness of my body… I had the feeling of pulling out a muzzle, shifting my bones around…awesome. Afterwards I was all wolfy and happy which was great. In the real world, I was reading about the myofascialskeletal structures of the body and starting to get a whole new way of seeing animals as all expressions of the same thing….really fascinating and suddenly life is a bit more fluid.
I’ve decided I want to try and get fitter. I’m getting up early for the last couple of days and making use of the swimming pool at the university while it is open for the summer. As a result my nose is clear and I can SMELL. I’m also trying to do a regular weight program at the gym to build up some strength and also do some wonderful stretches. Going to look at nutrition soon. The final piece is this bodylove progam is to aim for ME to get one massage a week. First one later today I hope!
I’ve bought some PINK things which is weird. I did a couple of bits of IRONING last week. And now I’m charging around the place in an army-style khaki top complete with a combat-girl ish green hat. Keeps sun of my eyes and helps me feel focused 🙂
later on tonight I’m going into town to meet a local pagan group with Liz. Going to be interesting to see who I meet