Coming up to the start of my degree and the enormity of what I am taking on is starting to sink in… this combined with effort in getting massage going, and complications over Mike and I. Last night I lay in bed feeling stressed in a way that I’ve never felt before. Not depressed-stress, but “argh so much to do panic” stres :). My body shaking with it, breathing irregular, my gut going crazy. I’ve had a good relaxed and fun year, all in all, and to be honest haven’t really worked hard at anything over a protracted period for about 6 years (excluding the massage diploma). Instead I’ve gotten used to rushing around, filling my life with frankly an exhausting social life, trying to jump in at the chance to assist anyone I can etc. This has slowly been getting better as I realise I like having time to myself. But there is still a lot that I have to change about basic tennants and habits I live by if I’m going to get through all this.
I’ve realised a few big things about myself lately. One is that I am actually quite a control freak, which seems paradoxical given how much I enjoy spontanetioty and doing random slightly dangerous things. The second is that the reason, partly, I suspect I am a control freak is that it is a coping mechanism I have acquired to deal with a deep rooted irrational but nonetheless real panic over letting myself trust in others. Trust enough to make myself vulnerable. To ask for help. To allow myself to be supported. It is really good that all this is coming up now, difficult though it is, because it will be nice to heal this aspect of myself before the degree takes a huge grip on my life.
At the moment though I still feel that if I really let go and trust everything will fall apart and I will be stabbed in the back. The moments that I do trust, and can feel loved, fill me with such joy though that I want to move into this new way of being. I’m proud of myself for having the courage to face something which seems so terrifying to me, but so obvious to everyone else 🙂
My dreams are filled with death symbols. Burying people alive to keep them safe. Last night I dreamt of Pandora, who was caught up inside her box, and who went mad when we opened it. There was a lot inside the box, and it wasn’t all bad, just emotion. Although she went mad, she also became alive.
I’ve been using Medicine Cards for a long time now, and something I’ve noticed is a tendency to see the same cards turn up for a period with other cards/animals never making an appearance. In the last few months, a few intially surprsing animals having been becoming more prominant. One is Owl. The other is Boar/Sow. Boar turned up recently when I asked for animals that helped show me the truth of my real self. The three that turned up were Humming Bird (joy), Owl(mystery,darkness,witchiness I guess) and Boar. And then this morning when I asked for something to help guide me in this period of my life, I found Sow. The two are male-female aspects about the same thing. I find both Boar and Sow intially repulsive and boring and unpretty, not something I want to associate with myself, but as I learn about them I feel more honor and respect. Boar is warrior spirit, pushing ahead, self-reliance, and I guess a kind of pig-headedness. Sow though is more about nourishment and trusting in being nourished by others and the world. They both dig for roots (wisdom?) in the earth.
this dichotomy-tension between forging ahead and being self reliant but ALSO being able to be nourished and trusting in support from others is definitely an issue I am grappling with at the moment. The Sow card reminded me
“Muc, with her large litters, symbolizes abundance and fertility. Feeling connected to the love of the Goddess for all her creatures, you are able to give freely, knowing that you, in turn, are nourished and sustained by her. Choosing this card, you can open yourself to the abundance that exists throughout nature. You can allow yourself to accept this abundance, knowing that life perpetually renews itself, and that you need not worry about ever being disconnected from it. Allow yourself to feast on life–to enjoy its beauties and its sensual delights. The Goddess is generous, giving to all and renewing all.”
The line which really stands out is the “you need not worry about ever being disconnected from it”. Since that is precisely what I have been worrying and panicing about.
So – I want to keep a balance over the next few years which will allow me to push ahead and study, but at the same time not loose the sensual joy and delight I’ve only recently discovered in the world. I want to learn how to let my friends help and support me, as I know they will want to as much as I want to with them. Bear with me though as it may take some practice!
I would like to honour and thank boar-sow for working with me on this, and I am finding already that looking at them again, I actually kind of like them, they remind of wolf-pigs, the fur and wildness and the dogged stability in them. They have a herd of boar at a wildlife place nearby and I have found them really cool to watch for a while.
The autumn equinox cooincides with all this, and the start of my degree. Also I’m going to get to celebrate with a lot of my old and dear friends on saturday which I’m looking forward to a lot. Interestingly the symbolism matches up perfectly with how I feel at the moment, and this time of year. Going into the darkness is strangely appealing/comforting 🙂
” Autumn is the time of harvest. It is a time to gather up the fruits of our labors, to give thanks for our bounty, and to prepare for the winter to come. The Autumnal Equinox is also the time of balance between light and dark. It is when the Sun passes our equator. It is a time to prepare for the descent into the darkness.
The ancient Celts interpreted this transfer of light to dark, as they did all dramatic changes in the Earth and Sky, both literally and figuratively. They celebrated the universal story of Mabon. Mabon ap Modron means son of the mother, Modron being the great Mother Earth. Mabon is the Divine Youth, or Son of Light.
Three days after being born to Modron, Mabon disappears. Modron is distraught, the Son of Light is gone. Mabon is finally set free through learning the wisdom of the most ancient of animals, even though he has been safe all along in Modron’s Otherworld, her womb. There, he is nurtured. He has brought the Light into Mother Earth until he can emerge powerful enough to take over the darkness once again. The Light now has enough wisdom and strength to plant the new seed.
The September Equinox is a time to prepare for the new life and light that eternally begins. We go into the darkness to gather strength and wisdom. We gather with friends and loved ones to renew our reserves. We feast on the gifts of the harvest. We know that sometimes there is sorrow, sometimes joy. We know that the light will win again, but we must enter the darkness to get there. “