I am in a very strange transitional place now. Unsure about the future, excited, scared. Really appreciative of the close friends I have who can be with me as I go through the craziness of perhaps the biggest transition so far.
All the old support structures are getting torn away gently, a bit like velcro 🙂 Internal ways of thinking as well as external stuff like jobs. I’m being challenged on assumptions and ways of being that go right back to my childhood.
I feel small and weak in the face of it all, but also inside starting to hear whispers of my real voice and the hints of my true name. But I sense I have to be willing to lay all the rest of my life on the line, the cross, throw it all in the air, say to the universe “take it all if you need to, if this healing-path is where I am being led then I trust to be shown how..or else where else I am to go.” for someone who likes to organise life when stuff gets a bit scary, this is quite terrifying. I am being told over and over again to not try and grab onto concrete plans just yet, but the time will come soon and I need to be ready. That I can trust that I will fall in my feet in the turmoil.
I also feel my courage, calmness, nurturing aspects that underly all this. Joyful hummingbird energy, otherworldly owl night venturer, boar-sow fighting courage and nurturing. Swirling around with wolves and crows.
I held Michael the other night even as I felt him turn into a life sucking insect in a world of death and skeletons.. I was scared but I held my space and I held the love. This is more courage than I thought I had. To realise you can love in the darkness and death is a great reassurance though.
I realised that one thing which drives me from the beginnings of my awareness is a thirst for life. For life and for living. I almost died before I was born and perhaps this is a repeating theme for me? No matter the depths I’ve gone, there is that spark of will to live, of a honour and awe for life, and a desire to help others find their own way to life and living. My biggest fears centre around falling back into a place where I can’t breathe or live or eat what fuels me.
I’ve started to feel the multidimensionalness of this place, this existance. That realities overlap and time bends. I’ve felt my identity dissapear in dreams and trance and movement and connect to animals, birds, fish, reptiles and things I couldn’t even identify. I’ve felt two realities overlap, or more; our eyes are just one sensor attuned to just one level. There is so much more.
I’ve realised that I *can* question what I’ve always been told. And that to live for me means to deny the ‘truths’ that were offered.
Where am I amongst all this? It’s hard to see right now. I have 5 more weeks of working here. Maybe I will stay in Exeter, maybe I will move on. My challenge at the moment is am I really going to accept the path of my passions and loves and challenges and life? The answer is yes but the fear is still real!
but to the universe : I am ready.