inspired by invisible lesbian witches

When I see people poking at the edges of their boundaries, yearning to unfold their own soul, seeking something they’re not sure about, wanting to travel to foreign countries… I get really excited by it and like to be as enthusiastic as I can.

It’s by no means an easy road (in fact it’s not so much a road but a rollercoaster) to walk but by god, I can heartily recommend making the effort.

I have been experiencing moments in my life that seem so amazing they are like dreams (and my dreams are pretty awesome in themselves). Moments of magic. Moments that feel like I’m in a “studio ghibli film” or a role play game. These moments make all the questioning and doubt and struggle worthwhile.

Yesterday evening I was able to meet with Michael again…he suggested I went with him to stay at his friend’s house in Thurverton (tiny village north of Exeter) where he is housesitting. Sure..I felt like getting out of Exeter for a bit.

In the dark, the car wound it’s way down country lanes, crescent moon and clear sky with us all the way. I felt my soul starting to untwist and breathe in the cool night. Standing alone, with no street lights, the cottage-house felt in the middle of nowhere. I looked up at the stars – seeing twice or three times as many as normal and smiled, wondering what would happen next..

what followed was a wonderfully intriguing and healing night and morning staying it a witches house 🙂 I am inspired.

staying in a witches house

Three amazing things

My sense of love is deepening for life and expanding. Three amazing things I’ve realised this week

1. If you try to help a butterfly out of it’s coccoon, it will die. It has to struggle it’s way out.
2. The notion that you can palpate through different levels in a person (eg skin..to muscle..to bone) isn’t nonsensical or unsciencey — it is simply perception through a medium. Just like how our vision is perception of relfected light through the medium of the atmosphere. So yes it does make sense and it is possible to palpate cerebrospinal fluid, parts of the brain (after learning about hooking into fascia for the first time, I spent a while lying with my fingers palpating my eyeballs and sensing the connection through into the brain, which was quite…odd… 🙂

3. that building connected love relationships with others (family, friends, lovers, more besides) can actually be very very healing for both people involved if you do it right.

I feel blessed that I’m starting to relate to myself, life, everything in a whole new way. Instead of scrabbling around trying to pull love into me, these days I am more happy when I feel it pouring out of my heart and I am rendered speechless by it all. This year I’ve discovered it’s possible to vibrate with sheer joy.

I’m venturing out into new places with those I love. I’ve described it as leaving the safe harbour and heading out into unchartered waters of open ocean. You need to be skilled and watch out for waves and sharks and storms, but there is a wonderful sense of expansiveness and adventure.

hurrah

Ah me, Love’s mariner am I
On Love’s deep ocean sailing;
I know not where the haven lies,
I dare not hope to gain it.

One solitary distant star
Is all I have to guide me,
A brighter orb than those of old
That Palinurus lighted.

And vaguely drifting am I borne,
I know not where it leads me;
I fix my gaze on it alone,
Of all beside it heedless.

But over-cautious prudery,
And coyness cold and cruel,
When most I need it, these, like clouds,
Its longed-for light refuse me.

Bright star, goal of my yearning eyes
As thou above me beamest,
When thou shalt hide thee from my sight
I’ll know that death is near me.

from Don Quixote

spirituality and work

“”The voyage of discovery lies not in finding new landscapes but in having new eyes.””

bringing spirit to work.

“Whatever our work experience, white collar or blue collar, working in an organization or in our own profession or small business, many of us are searching for ways to more fully integrate our spirit into our work life. As the person above said, “We simply left our spirit at home and did what needed to be done”. But now more and more, “Separation of our heart from work is less and less acceptable.”

Bat. underneath the fears.

“Bat is a powerful totem that carries a very heavy message. It is usually misunderstood, for it is more comfortable to ignore the teachings of bat — which is all about fear. Bat brings up our most hidden fears; those that lurk in the dark corners of our mind and spirit; those that make us break out in a cold sweat. He is telling you that it is time to bring these fears to the light. Nothing is greater torture than hiding such fears for our very refusal to acknowledge and deal with them only magnifies them, gives them even more power over us, and turns them into destructive monsters.”

Bat is about again. Last night I went through all my medicine cards with the pendulum, searching for animal guidance, to see if any could come forward to help me find my way. I ended up starting from one end, working through, with each one saying “no”. Moving on the next “no”. And so on. As I got towards the end I started panicking – what if there is no one. what if this is just a stupid pile of cards. what if there is no help for me. what if I have gone the wrong way and I am abandoned.

towards the end, one card I found. I was so tired and drained at this point for some reason. I decided to honour whatever had come my way – turned over the card to reveal Bat. ah yes my old friend… I had to smile. I was being a bit batty this sort of time last year. Kind of interesting to look back at that. And bat has flitted about and caught my attention a few times lately.

ye gods ALL my fears are coming up – fear of inadequecy. fear of madness. fear of weakness. fear of oblivion. fear of nothingness. fear that I will be crushed. fear of people pointing and laughing. fear of letting people down. fear of messing people up. fear fear fear…

..but…………… I’ve been here before. these fears – they jumble together in a cloud of fog, but they are not the bedrock of my soul any more. Even as they come into my head, I look at them from a deeper perspective in myself now and can see that they are just something I am creating.

I’ve used my fears as an excuse for too long. I don’t need to get more engaged with them, attend to them, make them bigger and more well fed. I need to step behind the curtain and start identifying with the woman in me who is NOT afraid, who DOES believe in herself to have the courage to say – yes I AM this person, I DO claim my own soul-life, I have personal power and can affect the world and other people. I am and I will.

“You must face your greatest fears
and get rid of the part of your life that no longer is needed.
This transition is very frightening for many:
“better the devil you know…”
But you will not grow spiritually until the old parts are gone.”

yes – and I think the part that is no longer needed are some of these old redunant fears themselves……. ut…..my fears and fear is not something to be fought and struggled with — and I think this could be the key difference in how to approach it this year. my fears are not demons to be dragged out and kicked into the cold. they are more like crying children who have been born of some old hurt. I think maybe rather than approach them in anger, if I can look at them with love, bring that into the dark places and warm them, rather than try to package them up and jettison them? My fears are part of what makes me human and alive, can I love them as much as my joys?

a big theme this year has been – can I love real gritty humanity rather than perfect ideals?

hmm…!

dreams : jewellery and disturbing a church

brief snippets from my dream last night. quite incoherant. generally seemed to involve travelling and moving stuff around and being in different countries. Also back at parents house in a transient sense, engaging with my father and brother but no sign of my mum.

I was back at home collecting up all these pieces of jewellery to take with me to wherever I was going next. (not sure where this was). They were all mine, (as apposed to other jewellery dreams where I’ve been given a piece belonging to my grandmother or aunt), and they were all silver and purple. purple gems/jewels/glass whatever. I had them all stuffed in a pouch and they were really important for some reason. …hmm the moving part reminded me of moving backwards and forwards from university to home when I was still a student.

my bro was up to something too, I found he was actually been quite a hard man/dodgy gangster/drug dealer outside the home, but he was explaining it was not by muscles and physical fighting he won but by verbal manipulation. I was trying to travel with him.

An amusing bit was when we were in a hall adjoining a church. Having some festival of folk music playing. They began and kicked up really loud, just when I realised a Mass/service had started in the church, and people in the congregation were giving us really evil looks through an open door for making such a racket. I was begining to be worried about us making the noise while they wanted a calm period of worship. About this point 3 people dressed up in festive fat woman costumes (kind of like huge belly dancers mixed with mardi gras, and oversized masks on) went over between the church and the music hall and started dancing around comicly/passionately. They were amazing to watch and really amusing at the same time. wobbling huge bums and boobs around the place. The prim church goers were even more horrified but they got the door slammed in their face and the festival kicked off. I was laughing a lot!

—-
purple jewellery
“The most effective way to add the power of violet or correct a balance in the 7th Chakra is thru adding natural violet crystals and gemstones to your everyday wardrobe so they are close to you for several hours at a time and touching your skin, (the pulse points: ears, wrists, ankles, and neckline) and thus effecting your aura and Crown Chakra.” from – here .

hmm. Also realised that apart from a couple of earrings all the rest of it was necklaces. Also it was more costume style rather than the precious gem stome of the ruby earrings/ring I was looking at before. I was just grabbing handfulls of them, trying to get all the ones I had left behind at home to take with me.

I’m finding it a really hard balance to find a middle ground between feeling rubbish about what I do, or feeling overinflated and bold about it. There is a lot of esoteric spiritually stuff going on at the moment but I need to keep grounded about it and not let it all “go to my head”.. I think this is perhaps what the dancing fat women were about..got to work hard but laugh still!

Transitions

I am in a very strange transitional place now. Unsure about the future, excited, scared. Really appreciative of the close friends I have who can be with me as I go through the craziness of perhaps the biggest transition so far.

All the old support structures are getting torn away gently, a bit like velcro 🙂 Internal ways of thinking as well as external stuff like jobs. I’m being challenged on assumptions and ways of being that go right back to my childhood.

I feel small and weak in the face of it all, but also inside starting to hear whispers of my real voice and the hints of my true name. But I sense I have to be willing to lay all the rest of my life on the line, the cross, throw it all in the air, say to the universe “take it all if you need to, if this healing-path is where I am being led then I trust to be shown how..or else where else I am to go.” for someone who likes to organise life when stuff gets a bit scary, this is quite terrifying. I am being told over and over again to not try and grab onto concrete plans just yet, but the time will come soon and I need to be ready. That I can trust that I will fall in my feet in the turmoil.

I also feel my courage, calmness, nurturing aspects that underly all this. Joyful hummingbird energy, otherworldly owl night venturer, boar-sow fighting courage and nurturing. Swirling around with wolves and crows.

I held Michael the other night even as I felt him turn into a life sucking insect in a world of death and skeletons.. I was scared but I held my space and I held the love. This is more courage than I thought I had. To realise you can love in the darkness and death is a great reassurance though.

I realised that one thing which drives me from the beginnings of my awareness is a thirst for life. For life and for living. I almost died before I was born and perhaps this is a repeating theme for me? No matter the depths I’ve gone, there is that spark of will to live, of a honour and awe for life, and a desire to help others find their own way to life and living. My biggest fears centre around falling back into a place where I can’t breathe or live or eat what fuels me.

I’ve started to feel the multidimensionalness of this place, this existance. That realities overlap and time bends. I’ve felt my identity dissapear in dreams and trance and movement and connect to animals, birds, fish, reptiles and things I couldn’t even identify. I’ve felt two realities overlap, or more; our eyes are just one sensor attuned to just one level. There is so much more.

I’ve realised that I *can* question what I’ve always been told. And that to live for me means to deny the ‘truths’ that were offered.

Where am I amongst all this? It’s hard to see right now. I have 5 more weeks of working here. Maybe I will stay in Exeter, maybe I will move on. My challenge at the moment is am I really going to accept the path of my passions and loves and challenges and life? The answer is yes but the fear is still real!

but to the universe : I am ready.

Way of the Bee

Also, after telling Michael about another impromptu ritual I did a few weeks ago (I found a ring of oak trees with holly in the new forest…apparently I should go back and check because if there is any mistletoe you can do amazing magic with it), when at one point a honey bee appeared from nowhere and landed on my leg for a while, he told me I should check into the shamanic way of the bee. Bees had also come up in a recent card reading for me.

I’m going to pick the book up. Tori Amos comments on it
“After reading this book I felt I had been initiated into the ancient feminine mystery of sacred sexuality.”

rock!

Blaze — when I see you again (I’m hoping for next summer) I’m getting a whole load of new tattoos I want please 🙂 🙂 🙂

anyway hopefully if Mike is reading this he will realise why I also find the idea of being on “the shamanic way of the BEE” so appealing. BEES!!!!!!!! Sci may get it too.

magic

I was really happy to see Michael yesterday – I wasn’t expecting him till next week so it was an amazing surprise. He commented that I was looking really well, had I lost weight or something, but I said I reckoned it’s just that last few days I’ve been really overbrimming with love for people including myself which is awesome.

We had a meal out and a good chat, and then went home and did some more energy work I guess is the word. I’m becoming aware of the energetic aspect of people, and realising when you get two people coming together in awareness and with love and trust then totally fucking awesome amazing profound stuff happens. You don’t need sex, though I can see how mixing that element in could be very profoundly crazy. What I’m learning at the moment is that intimacy, and I think this includes sexual intimacy can be a very healing process in itself. Mike (as in Zak) was down last week and we shared some real intimacy too as he let himself be really vulnerable with me and I felt so moved by it.

I feel that with Michael I get glimpses of the extent that you can take all this, and it inspires me hugely to continue my journey of learning and experiencing a soul-filled body and trying to explore similar places with others.

Yesterday we generated something amazing…I went on a whole journey, transforming through different animals, even feeling like we became the sea itself at one point. Also shifting palpatory awareness through different layers of the body — I was vividly aware of his skeleton and bones, as well as mine own — living bones feel so amazing, but also as though they are suspended in liquid and energy and would fall apart if you took that away. Then flesh. then skin. then out into this buzzy electricy energy feeling. then out more into…jesus I can’t begin to describe it..archetypal realms..channeling something bigger than just yourself. I felt like a huge “princess mononoke” style wolf goddess, and frequently Michael felt like Pan. Actually I get strong echoes of Zak-Mike, as he too expresses a satyr-like energy. Michael also has a strong link with dolphins in the way I do with wolves – at one point I felt like I had tuned into this and had turned into a dolphin…! This is just incredible. It makes my dreams seem tame.

The other moment which struck me was this sense of going on a journey, I think connecting into maybe in Michael… I felt like I was dying, going right down into an underworld with skeletons and demons, and at this point things got pretty scary and dark but I stuck with it, kept with the love and trust and then at the very bottom of it all it turned back into a growing light and coming back up again. Up and up into increasing light, till this wonderful moment when we were holding each other and it felt like golden angels flying. He felt this too.. it was something deeply shared. I feel so gifted to have found him again..and like Blaze-Erin who is my sister, and like a few others I’m finding now, there is a deep sense of recognition and that you have know the person before. Past lives..I think so. I’m starting to see why you would want to keep coming back this life stuff is awesome.

this is all “body work!” the soul is in the body and you can FEEL it. Senses can be shifted and altered beyond what I’d ever have expected and there is more besides.

hee hee at one point he gave me a glass of water and no kidding it tasted like wine…never tasted something so good.

so that’s it, yes I believe in magic. it’s there. fuckin’ a!! 😀