Sex and desire

Notes on the post-post-metaphysics about a new model of reality and truth need to wait; right now I want to write about sex :

It has been at least a month now. I think maybe 5 weeks. This is a LONG TIME to not feel any sexual touch or intimacy when the last 10 years have been full of it 🙂 For a while I’ve been focusing on other things and I wondered if maybe I was reverting to a prepubescent state. Luckily not. In this time I’m learning important things about the connection to myself and to life. I’m feeling a re-emergence of creative desire. In the last two days, perhaps through a cocktail of hormones, relaxation and sunshine (plus no massages for a while now, which does give me at least a sort of channel-art for a transmuted sex) I have been feeling moments of intense yummy horniness. What’s really cool is that I’m actually getting fantasy imagery, which isn’t something thats really happened before, or not for a long time. I’ve been experimenting with it, savouring it, and loving seeing how it’s not a general horniness, its actually very specific to one particular man. If i imagine generic man or some random hot man I’m seeing at the festival doing something I just get an ick reaction. But if I imagine HIM then I get a really tasty burst of memories and sensations and sensuality. The other thing I’m playing with is just the raw energy — not letting it seep out around me, drawing men in, but instead drawing it up inside my body and breathing it in to me. Then mixing it with the energy of the trees and the life around me and having to struggle not to make blatant I’m having sex noises in front of my friends. This is all part of me taking responsibility for my sexuality and I like it. I hope my man is ready to take his time discovering and exploring a whole new level of woman, I don’t want to be rushed, swallowed down like a big piece of cake by a hungry person, I want this resanctified body to be really enjoyed with full attention and creativity.,

Last night I was back in my cold tent. I actually like the feeling of den, of putting on lots of clothes and warmth and making a place for me. And then I held on to my body, and my sex, and thought about drawing in the energy and warmth and fire and heat right up from the earth. Even typing this now I can fee heat building up around my coccyx. In the absence of my lover-as-man, I’m learning how to merge with the earth itself. I was feeling pretty toasty until josie in the tent next door called out about could I feel the icy draft and then i could and sort of lost the heat for a while.

Because I felt no sexuality really until AFTER someone else touched me, and then I learnt how to feel pleasure from others well well before I began to learn it from  myself… I had a big fear that if I didn’t have an Other around to touch me then I’d go back to being unsexual. Even when Jeff is far away we found ways to feel each other and have sex with each other long distance. So this time of silence (ok i lost it bit when i was slightly drunk) is helping me really discover new ways to relate to my own sexuality and become even more awesome in it.

Although I could just feel the pangs of longing and sorrow of being alone, I’m practising choosing to enjoy these pangs, the call of eros pulling at me for beautiful intimacy and pleasure — to be merged all the time would mean never having room for that longing…so I am enjoying this desire, and feeding it even, and letting fantasy and imagery fill me and nourish me and only grow my desire for this man of truth and courage, for my mate, for his touch, for his kiss. For his company — this village and fesitval are full of things that he would enjoy it is strange not having him here. I love discovering how its not just need for touch and pleasure, its a need for this one man and his soul and time for us and our love that I want. I hope he enjoys knowing this too.

I want to strip for him, offer him my naked body, my full self, my moans of pleasure and my raking claws of desire and lust, I want to draw him into my heart and let my love fill him, I want to feel his pleasure and his fire, I want I want I want. Mmmmmmxxxxxx

Enjoying the philosophy festival

I am really enjoying a sunny day in the hay festival. Some of the houses in the village have opened themselves up for selling tea, cake, art and sandwiches. Josie and I felt ourselves drawn into what turned into be a full on withces house, complete with herb garden, apple tree, 2 black cats and a crazy witch lady. She made us tea in a purple teapot and insteaed of one slice of cake let me have small bits of all 3.

I’m sitting with a beautiful view across the hills and trees waiting for Josie to finish a talk. And old sailor man called Alan came up and we spent 45 minutes talking about life and philosophy. He asked me what I was interested in and I had a chance to express exactly my journey of integrating mind and body, my work with men and sexuality, and how I want to bring people back into a full pleasure of life. I spoke about the pain between men and women and the issues of sexuality. He was quite interested obviously. What I find so cute and unsuprising is how being a woman who as he said Ïve never hear a woman talk about this before” and doing so in my queen space of pleasure and strength obviously triggers something in a man. The dude was 70, and before he left he was saying about “maybe you and I should get together aye?” – I just smiled and laughed gently. I love the endless optimism and flirtation of men – it seems no matter the age they can look at me and want not just my body but I think the gateway that I open. It was so nice to sit here surrounded by intellectuals and express how I’m bringing art and beauty back into what was only cold prostitution. I was also expressing how I’d love to find a way to work with younger teenagers to help them understand more about sexuality upfront. Or as I’m starting to phrase it – genuine intimacy. I was speaking a lot to Josie about this on the journey down — how it felt that it was hard to leave mike just because the sex was feeling diminsihed. But really as she said the sex is just an expression of the deeper intimacy and connection between the people. The issues that come up in the sexuality I think can be the highlight of underlying issue.

I’m no longer the enthusiastic if naive whore. I sit as a queen, and I declare how I have come to see and understand some of the deep hurt in men, especially around their sexuality, and the hurt that has come from women too, and the hurt of a culture that doesn’t really support a full expression of the masculine spirit — something about this goes right into the heart of a man, and, as with Alan, I feel it as a sort of yearning that goes much deeper than a raw sexual desire. I want to feel the respect and almost the awe that comes to me now, rather than simply being a hot sensual woman.

I’m looking forward to the talk on Eros coming up. The description is :
Erotic transformations ; the power of eros in Plato. – by Angie Hobbs
“Can erotic love survive its consummation? Angie Hobbs investigates Plato’s treatment of Eros in the Symposium.”

The sun is glorious now. Feeling calm and grounded. Feel my connection to Jeff although it comes and goes — but it is now rooted in the ground of my being, if I reach to it that’s where I feel it, like it is being held in a nourishing soil ready to spring forth anew. Sometimes I wonder if I still want a man but as soon as Isee others kissing or embracing my heart fills with a longing for a deep love that merges with me in my fullness and with this awesome life.

Alan told me that 30’s and 40’s are the best decades of life. I WILL claim this.

Love – Effort versus Courage

Woke up after some epic new-world dreams. Feeling more coherant again after yesterday.

I got Mark to read about my time with Mike so he can help watch for my bullshit. He said “I can see that you are starting to see the contrasts in your being around Mike, and Jeff -the lethargy and general sense of purposlessness I can relate to – I think that comes from the heart that’s had enough, and quietly sabotages the day.’

I really like this. Something I forgot to add to my blog is that when with Mike I felt some moments of deep exasperation, sadness and truth. I said to him “Mike, I’m sorry, I simply can’t love you very well.” which I don’t think he understood. It seems that no matter how much effort and will you put in, some situations just don’t allow the love and heart to open fully…

Continue reading Love – Effort versus Courage

A day with mike

One of the reasons Jeff and I decided to take a communication break was to give him a chance to focus on his daughters who for months now have held to ‘her or us’. Well I hope they can accept this chance for some “us” time…

As it turned out I ended up with over 24hrs in Mike’s company which gave ME the space to really get my feelings straight with him without Jeff’s influence….

Continue reading A day with mike

Challenge and preparation

I have gone through a strange shedding lately, deep tears and fear releasing from me as I look to creating space for a whole new form of life. Moving beyond the patterns of culture and instead aligning myself with art and life in a really direct and visceral way. A few weeks back I did a journey with myself, by myself, for myself. It led me to a deep and renewed connection with my own body, touch and sex, and also set up a bond to the beauty of emerging spring around me. I can feel the life in the trees and nature, and myself as part of it, not just as a passive observer but to flow and enjoy and create within. Ihave never felt so inspired and so full of passion for things I want to do.

I have felt the dichotomy of vulnerability and fear, and I have a shift in my relationship with Jeff, I was used to drawing support from him even long distance but that became harder and more effortful, for a while I was afraid that the love was dying and that perhaps I was imagining the whole thing. But then bursts of deep truth and passion and a longing that rises from my root, my sex, through my whole spirit fills me. I am growing into my Queen-woman self now, and the man that stands beside me, that dares to and can needs to be magnificant.

I have come to see that along with everything else in our lives that was not full truth, even the relationship I was having with Jeff has burnt away. We came together because of deep unmet need and longing, that was the energetic pull that bound us initially, and we held and clung to that and each other through storms and destruction. Through our love and deep commitment to truth speaking and sharing, we have challenged and grown and been inspired to become more of our full selves. I recall that right at the start how important it was to admitt to my need. That having need was ok. Having need for love, need for touch, need for magic, need for life. And it flowed through us and from us, and we were nourished by it.

Now though it is changing. I am not a girl who needs. I am feeling a fullness rise within me, a contentment as I am part of life and as I look around and see all the opportunity I have to really and truly create a life I want. I am not just flowing and exploring and seeking now. I am choosing. And I am enjoying being able to choose.

I choose to create a life with love in the centre. I choose a vision of a full life that has tribe-family, nature and magic. I allow myself to receive and give, to let my heart participate fully in this dance.

Jeff has chosen to come to europe for almost 4 months. To give himself a chance to do his art and feel his love and grow. We chose to embrace the chance to live close and together and see what that brings us.

We have 2 1/2 weeks to prepare for this time that will likely be intense and focused as well as enjoyable and challenging.

Yesterday things took an interesting and unexpected turn. We made a choice to step right back, to let the relationship structure that we developed in our distance to disintegrate. We had found a way to nourish each other through internet chats and hours of speaking to each other. But this becomes habit and habit becomes need, and we no longer want our relationship to be based on neediness.

Almost every day since we met we have been in communication. But for the next couple of weeks we are limiting it to perhaps one message to say we are ok, and to keeping our own blogs and focusing on our journeys. He challenged me yesterday asking if I thought I could go a week without speaking to him without our love disintegrating. Really I think he was asking himself. Also that he wondered if he should have stepped back from me to focus exclusively on his daughters. After anger and raging I stepped into a fierce determination and suggested why not take the next few weeks to do just that. I couldnt handle it before but I can now. And I’d like to see if his love survives and grows in this time, and my own. It feels right…as soon as he said about it being part of his male journey it just clicked into place.  Time to walk through the wilderness and see what wisdom can be found there. Will his heart find a way back to me?

When we come back together it will be a whole new form of connection. Built on choice and art and desire rather than hunger and need.

I am enjoying the sense of space around me. The chance to focus on myself and my space, my friends and loves. I was concerend about what if I don’t miss him, but now I see that we are ready to go past a love like that.

Today I returned to Guildford to start packing up and sorting out what’s left at Mike’s place. Last night he called me in a state of need and fear and I was glad I could reach out my heart to him. Next week he has a meeting to discuss his “gross misconduct” at work – this could be when he gets dismissed. And then he has lost everything he had built for himself. I am glad that I can be there for him through this time, for we know that once Jeff arrives that will be it for 3-4 months. I am using this time to honour the love that is still true for mike and I and to be a support for him while I can. I am enjoying not feeling a needy desire to cling to him any more, but rather a flow of strength and support as well as letting him speak his words of grief.

For the first time in almost a year my thoughts are not fixated on one man. I am full of trust that he will return to me and he will handle himself. That he will not fall apart even under trying circumstance and he does not need me there at every moment to remind and support and guide him. When he returns he will not find a girl any more. I am continuing my path of truth and courage now regardless. I surrender all expectations and make room for something new to emerge, for us individually and for us together. I trust that the truth of our connection will become apparent and that anything that fades away was meant to. I am ready for a bigger life now.