Notes on the post-post-metaphysics about a new model of reality and truth need to wait; right now I want to write about sex :
It has been at least a month now. I think maybe 5 weeks. This is a LONG TIME to not feel any sexual touch or intimacy when the last 10 years have been full of it 🙂 For a while I’ve been focusing on other things and I wondered if maybe I was reverting to a prepubescent state. Luckily not. In this time I’m learning important things about the connection to myself and to life. I’m feeling a re-emergence of creative desire. In the last two days, perhaps through a cocktail of hormones, relaxation and sunshine (plus no massages for a while now, which does give me at least a sort of channel-art for a transmuted sex) I have been feeling moments of intense yummy horniness. What’s really cool is that I’m actually getting fantasy imagery, which isn’t something thats really happened before, or not for a long time. I’ve been experimenting with it, savouring it, and loving seeing how it’s not a general horniness, its actually very specific to one particular man. If i imagine generic man or some random hot man I’m seeing at the festival doing something I just get an ick reaction. But if I imagine HIM then I get a really tasty burst of memories and sensations and sensuality. The other thing I’m playing with is just the raw energy — not letting it seep out around me, drawing men in, but instead drawing it up inside my body and breathing it in to me. Then mixing it with the energy of the trees and the life around me and having to struggle not to make blatant I’m having sex noises in front of my friends. This is all part of me taking responsibility for my sexuality and I like it. I hope my man is ready to take his time discovering and exploring a whole new level of woman, I don’t want to be rushed, swallowed down like a big piece of cake by a hungry person, I want this resanctified body to be really enjoyed with full attention and creativity.,
Last night I was back in my cold tent. I actually like the feeling of den, of putting on lots of clothes and warmth and making a place for me. And then I held on to my body, and my sex, and thought about drawing in the energy and warmth and fire and heat right up from the earth. Even typing this now I can fee heat building up around my coccyx. In the absence of my lover-as-man, I’m learning how to merge with the earth itself. I was feeling pretty toasty until josie in the tent next door called out about could I feel the icy draft and then i could and sort of lost the heat for a while.
Because I felt no sexuality really until AFTER someone else touched me, and then I learnt how to feel pleasure from others well well before I began to learn it from myself… I had a big fear that if I didn’t have an Other around to touch me then I’d go back to being unsexual. Even when Jeff is far away we found ways to feel each other and have sex with each other long distance. So this time of silence (ok i lost it bit when i was slightly drunk) is helping me really discover new ways to relate to my own sexuality and become even more awesome in it.
Although I could just feel the pangs of longing and sorrow of being alone, I’m practising choosing to enjoy these pangs, the call of eros pulling at me for beautiful intimacy and pleasure — to be merged all the time would mean never having room for that longing…so I am enjoying this desire, and feeding it even, and letting fantasy and imagery fill me and nourish me and only grow my desire for this man of truth and courage, for my mate, for his touch, for his kiss. For his company — this village and fesitval are full of things that he would enjoy it is strange not having him here. I love discovering how its not just need for touch and pleasure, its a need for this one man and his soul and time for us and our love that I want. I hope he enjoys knowing this too.
I want to strip for him, offer him my naked body, my full self, my moans of pleasure and my raking claws of desire and lust, I want to draw him into my heart and let my love fill him, I want to feel his pleasure and his fire, I want I want I want. Mmmmmmxxxxxx