Last night Rama-Mark, Jeff and I went out together to the Antichrist club birthday party. We looked hot! I was in love with my beautiful dark magical creature-man. In the week together, lots has happened and fears coming up to be addressed. Mark has been facing each fear head on and moving past it, really impressive. He had a fear about taking drugs as the last few times have been difficult for him. I suggested that he could have the other half of a pill I used for my self-love journey back in may, and that jeff and i could split the last pill.
After last weekends trials with the Ayuahuasca I was ready to do something fun, loving and I really wanted to share with them both the particular magic of being high in a place with music and lights and smoke and lasers. Antichrist is full of magical people dressed up expressing themselves and I feel that especially that the mix of light and dark is there it really does feel like my temple. The PVC fetish wear makes me feel like a priestess much more than hippy clothes 🙂
Mark wasnt sure till he got there which way he would go. He decided – yes. There was a horrible moment when I came back from the bathroom having split the pills up and realised i no longer had marks part. I went back retracing steps looking for a tiny piece of tinfoil and then was really happy to find it. We were set! The medicine had come via Emily, and was full of love and had been kept in a box of crystals 🙂
We enjoyed it very much! I loved the blend of moving into being and helping each other come into the experience. It took a while to really kick in for Jeff, he had to go through the “hmm maybe drugs just dont work on me anymore” feeling, but later on it did and he was looking around at the lights going WOW I see what you mean.
I love how this medicine helps things to be spoken clearly. I was able to sort through some challenges with Jeff, how really needed not just my weakness but the strength of my choice to be with him acknowledged. I went through some fearful places around my parents and my dad being proud/not proud of me. The big theme for me at the moment is really claiming full creative control on my own life, not following what is expected, from parents/culture/my earlier ideas. Challenges around having got this professional qualification and not wanting to actually BE that profession..not wanting it to be wasted time/effort/resource. Seeing though that if i really start creating my personal magic I can weave all these aspects in on my own terms.
I want to allow myself to follow my heart now, fully, and step into unknown realms.
Today I’m on my way to an old school friends’ wedding – my mother is coming along for the service, it’s at the church i grew up in, and the whole thing sort of symbolises the life that im not choosing right now. Oddly at AC there were a couple of women dressed in wedding dresses with collars on, and it helped me to look at them and say no, thats not what im being, not the final goal of my feminity.It’s not an easy groove to step out from especially when there is a sense of wanting my mother to celebrate my marriage and give her a grandchild and all sorts of weird stuff. To really claim that my life right now is going in a very different direction.
I’ve had lots of fear of really embracing it and i could feel how something new is trying to emerge in my heart but it is fragile and a bit uncertain.
What I’ve been missing is how Ive needed to claim and permit MY enjoyment with my life. Not for other people to feel good about. On the trip I had a point when i was trying to go over stuff with jeff and he told me no, now just look around and ENJOY this. He gave me permission and Iloved seeing him taking in his surroundings and life, exclaiming how he loved seeing all the people and their beautiful expressions of creativity. I love how he takes in the visual enjoyments, its different to what I do, and it opened up a new appreciation for me. I love how much my man wants to appreciate the world. Its no wonder his body wanted to reject the death-vine.
I found a space where for a few moments i fully could see and take in what my life is right now aside from all the self-imposed projections/problems/requirements. I saw that i really have got awesome things and people and love around me, that the way i’m living is beautiful. That what’s been missing is that i’ve not allowed myself to really enjoy it. I saw how whilst I’ve been able to enjoy time touching and being touched with Jeff, I’d not been able to take in the bigger picture. I was lost in the details. He really needs to be enjoyed and that includes how he has made this time to come over to the uk and be here with me. It is vital that we create a few months now that are full of productivity AND enjoy it as we do so. Somewhere in me i really didn’t think i was allowed to enjoy my life, unless perhaps it ticked certain boxes or got approval.
I also dont need to rage at people who ARE getting married etc or dismiss them because i dont get to have it. At the wedding today I’m going to open my heart and celebrate with my old friend that she has chosen and found the life she wants, and to see the beauty in it without the bitterness i’ve felt somewhere in me when I’ve been at other weddings. And at the same time i will hold joy in my heart for the the life I am choosing and creating now. True art is not about looking a certain way.