Hecakti – Cross roads of Blood and Life
Bleeding time, October 14
Though many beautiful realisations had come, my blood-tide refused to start, I felt it holding inside, blocked, stubborn, for a final emotional wave.
Children and motherhood came up again. It has come up a lot since marrying an older man with a vasectomy. This is not the normal path, I took a turn away from that some moons ago. But still surprised to end up in this place. I have grieved the tears of a true love with a man who I can never conceive with. It is the sweet grief of finding dimensions of emotion opening up I never thought possible – not just to be pregnant but to conceive with HIM, specifically – feeling a longing that is so beautiful my heart aches and a second later the pain of knowing it will never be. I have cried and talked of that, and yet as my cycle goes round the thoughts come up again, more bitter now. I watch my shadow carefully at the corner of my eye, eating and swallowing the emotions, hiding them away from me, bringing limitation of life. I notice how I’ve not responded to emails with loved female friends – one just 2 weeks a mother, the other in preparation for pregnancy. I notice a thought that they are superior to me now, and I am jealous of them, and the worlds we are in are dividing and splitting, I can not be around Mothers without my feminine self feeling inferior and ragey.
I catch this thought by the tail as it scurries away into a dark hole, cat-claws in, pulling it out for inspection.
How can such thoughts be? My heart feels only joy at their motherness. The darker feelings leak from elsewhere, my power and my womb.
Here were the points of breakthrough –
Of facing head on that I still want to be a mother. And that it won’t be in the úsual’ way.
Of fullness-freedom coming first – of Jeff in his full and free self, exuding life and art- I want the child that comes from me to be around THAT man, one not weighted by provider-man duty. Of me being in my Queen self too. Of a life that is full and into which a child can come and be nurutured and inspired — NOT a life that is ABOUT having a child and focusing everything around that. I know that iam only a mother with a small life around me, misery will come..!
That Ican still hope and have dreams for that life, it is a possibility of truth. The idea i dont have to cut away the mother desire but i can bring it with me allows ALL of me to move forward. Dont need a promise, a possibility of truth is enough.