Last night, I still didn’t feel fully back after my Ayahuasca adventures. I was lying in bed with Jeff, feeling very flat and like the colour of life just hadn’t come back. I asked if he could help to call me back, and to feel my heart. It felt crushed, tight and knotted deep inside my chest. Body-energetically I felt a sense of a slow swinging from one side to another, almost like a pendulum. Jeff felt something too – he said ” It feels like there is a choice to be made, between two options. Whether you need love or not.”
He was right. I could feel how I had the option now to form a new life based around what I’d felt on the journey itself — on the sense of a beyond-human reality, of pure life-death flow. To avoid reopening my heart at all. It sounds strange now but at the time, not feeling the desires in my heart that normally propell and inspire me, that choice felt like a real option. In that direction there was a strange sense of my life having no purpose or meaning at all, aside from producing a child (and die) to continue the flow of life-genetics. Jeff pointed out that yes, this is the existence of plants-animals maybe. He said that he couldn’t call me back from this place, that I had to choose what I wanted.
I knew that such a choice couldn’t just be said without any truth feeling behind it. All I had was a memory of a life with vividness in it. This all made sense because all day I had managed to feel some care for my creature self, and sometimes moments of love but as though I was squeezing-sucking it through a straw; Jeff had pointed out that I’d barely kissed him all day. He said that he wanted me to make the choice to live and to love, that there was so much more that he wanted to share with me. I lay there and asked him to hold over my heart, and I felt the warmth from it, and I felt the convulsions of fear and shock around my heart too.
I remember finding a spark of determination to choose to love and a fear that what if I made that choice but couldn’t get back. I went to sleep and had incredibly vivid and progressive dreams, full of magic and elements and claiming power, there were themes of working out something around DMT-shamanism, getting a grip on it somehow, emerging with a knowing and a strength. I woke up just before the 5am alarm coming out of the dream with a new level of fierceness for life and love. My neck felt very stiff and I asked Jeff to hold it and massage it and allow things to flow.
I can’t say exactly what I worked through and consolidated in my dreaming, but something in my subconscious has got it, taken in that choice and emerged in a new way. I grabbed my love’s face and kissed him passionately. Felt his golden phoenix fire mixing with my dragon. Claimed him, this man, this life of determination, full love and art. Demanded-begged to feel his claws rake my body and it was like carving life and feeling back into me -it’s been a while since I felt that pain-pleasure and it was beautiful and I took it right into me.
The fierce-dragon that lives in me has evolved and shifted upwards again, it is around my heart now. It is revelling in strength and life, reclaiming the love of eating everything – meat and tasty food and consuming sensations. It’s dark scales are now reflective with rainbow sheen, and on it’s opening wings run the colour chaning swirls and lines of life that I saw on my journey. It’s as though I had a choice to be consumed by life and the experience or to grab it all back and consume it and grow.
On my way to the airport now feeling wonderfully present, grounded, and with open wings and sharp teeth.
I remember a line from my solitary journey
” I claim a life with love at the centre. This requires FIERCENESS.”