The story of facing my death-destruction desire will come later. For now, notes on the new world I chose to grow into. All visioning subject to change
In my new world –
I am a Priestess of the gateways, of truth and Life, love is the central part of that but now I can see so much more…I am a magical creature, and I am flawed human. I am sacredly profane and embracing of my vulnerability as much as my strength.
I can feel the currents of growth and decay and I can hold them in non-judgement and without fear for they are part of Life. The light and the dark. Everyone on this planet has free choice.
I am not naive or innocent, I can see it all and discern the full truth of Life. Or at least, this is what I am moving towards.
I am not here to pretend the world is light and fluffy or ever can be. I am here to aid those who chose Life; to be here in their fullness, their spirits dancing in materiality, to serve and celebrate Gaia and all that is. To guide them and support them in accepting and being in their truth, and empowering them to create the life they choose here.
If people chose destruction, obliteration, that is fine too. I hold it all and I am a destroyer as well. I can help people die and be with them through the destruction and do so with love.
in my new world –
I am responsible for the life i surround myself with. For the balance of growth and destruction. I can choose a life of travel and wealth, of family, of art, of drugs and destruction, of depression and apathy. I can have any of it and all choices are equally valid.
There is no battle between good and evil
I will not go against the true Will of any being or soul. I can watch people destroy themselves and enjoy watching it. I am not here to force my vision on the world, to save or rescue it.
Still – many people are lost. Many people don’t realise they have choice. Many people are running from their truth. Many want to change but dont know how.
These are the points of possible catalysis. There are many gateways of transformation, within and without the being involved. Some more risky than others…
I am starting to really come into accepting my true, dual nature. To embrace all aspects of myself, the caring life-nourisher, soothing with my gentle touch….and the cackling witch who appreciates the beauty of the ruined and decayed. I can feel twin currents inside me, a unicorn of purity and clear magic, white and calm; and the dark beast with claws and teeth, eyes that flash with truth and fierceness …they are both powerful and they no longer are at war – they come together, protecting, healing, guiding.
At some stage I feel humanity has to collectively and individually embrace our paradoxical nature, that we can have both the most noble intent and base desire. We cannot end wars or death or disease. Purpose can not be about fixing problems, battling against the darkness in ourselves, it will never go away, only be repressed or hidden. We take it in turn to play the bad guys or the saviours. The victim-rescuer-abuser cycle wastes so much of our potency and there is no way to fix or change it from the inside. Now there is the chance to create a new aeon, which is birthed through conscious humanity and loving acceptence of all – we claim our power back by being willing to seek our full truth, to find the places it is stuck and circling. we welcome all that we are inside no matter how dispicable. The more we see in our natures, the more we claim — the more choice we have over what we act out or express. From awareness comes the chance to create something new. Humans are mad, strange monkey creatures, but we do have creativitiy and it is this that is our saviour.
on a more personal/indivudal level —
In my new world I have conquered my deepest fear of being alone leading to destruction. I made a choice to live.
For a long time I ran my life as a reaction to my deepest fear. The first time I named my life strategy clearly it went something like “I need people to like me. If they don’t like me they will leave. If they leave, then I will be alone. And something terrible will happen.” Even though this seems ludicrous to my rational mind, I still somehow found it hard to be alone, filling my life with people or noise, or a million projects and plans to show my importance and validity.
As it turned out, it wasn’t a groundless fear – I discovered my draw to self destruction, my lack of care for self, finding that if was alone with people or clear purpose, I’d start a spiral of destruction or distraction. I wonder if this is common for others.
in my new world i can see the sanctity of life and cherish it’s’beauty. I hold the mystery of the feminine in this body and i am more than mere flesh I am asked to protect and nourish the magic/goddess/life here, it is through my body and life that i do this, and its my responsibility to care and protect this body/vessel In fact its my sacred duty. Part of being a priestess is to take this responsibility on fully.
In my new world – i am focused on Care for life, not just experience. i enjoy caring for what i love, and that starts with myself
In my new world – asking for help is allowed and part of self-care. I am allowed to ask for support as long as i am holding responsibility. Because – in my new world – i am together with life and others. To see myself on a solitary journey led to lack of care
In summary –
So – for my path right now, I chose life and care over death and obliteration
– i accept responsibility for my choice and life i create
– it is my duty to care for my own body and life
– trying to do this all alone is NOT caring to self or life as it leads to isolation, falseness, danger
– so i am allowed to ask for help and support in caring for my self just as i offer it, as long as it is through Love not selfish manipulation, and as long as im not passing off responsibility or taking responsibility on/for others.
– in my new world i am not one person alone. The respect I show others is an echo of the respect i feel for self.
– I will be honest about the relationships and people that i care about and wish to nuture : these are the ones I will avoid using.
– i will accept that in other instances I do use people and situations. For now i want the clarity to see when i do this. And look for ways to act this out in the highest manner? (e.g. in the kink scence are those who enjoy being used/serving, this can be done consciously, enjoyed, and loved….look for ways our patterns of use/misuse can be expressed consciously/lovingly)
– Ultimately i want my life to be one where everything is an act of care between people who love each other. Not where i am just using/being used for individual games, including my own. This may require the world to change or at least the people and situations I invite/allow into my world.