A friend reminded me a few months ago that when you fall in love, your brain chemicals get so fucked up you actually go insane temporarily. I nodded and understood and yet at the same time was still a bit wrapped up in semi-addictive falling-in-loveness so figured it didnt really apply to me. I have fallen in love in an infatuationy way a few times, the whole experience is addictive, and depending on the situation lasts for days, weeks, months. I was sure that THIS time something was different, and I still believe that. There is an undercurrent of a deeper, more stable emotion, which actually scares me a lot more than rush of love experience I’m used to. Falling in love reminds me of orgasms, of desire and pleasure; there are ways to prolong and ride the waves of it for a long time, building up layers of colours and textures. Falling in love with Jeff took months, and we didnt have full sex for most of that. It started with an incredible touch connection, and then I found myself in a dance of archtypes-aspects, every part of my soul came out and was met by him, each one fell in love with it’s counterpart; and beyond that I found myself called to dance and fly higher, to grow and to merge and transmute myself in some kind of mutual alchemy. The worlds around us burnt down to ash, and we felt the potential of the phoenix reborn. The destruction was pretty intense and horrifically painful at times, and it’s amazing we survived it. Throughout it all we have held to a principle of honesty and truth speaking, although i am finding as we spiral deeper towards our root fears and issues it gets harder for me to trust the stories my mind spins. Actually i have watched aspects of my mind loose it completely, trying to understand what’s really happening here.
6 months or so on, the waves of falling in love have receded – in fact I felt a whole cycle of our relationship end, and in the last month the question is what do we create from here? And another question emerging for me has been – what is this love and relationship grounded in? If the drug-rush has gone, what carries us, what holds us together?
The situation itself is far from easy. In fact its pretty much the last thing any sane woman would chose, and even further from the vaguey polyamarous open loving situation I had been creating for myself.
When i was in the devil-may-care falling in love experience stage, none of this really mattered; in fact I used to get off on seeing his wedding ringed hand caress my breasts and skin. I figured it would all work out fine, his daughters would adore me for loving their father like he deserves. Also I was totally captivated and driven to discover – what IS this connection, why is it so compelling, how deep does it go? I felt a love that ressonated from my soul, from places that I didnt believe love could reach. I also acknowledged that to avoid the risk of pursuing this would mean a life time of wistfully wondering what would have happened if I’d stuck with it. Plus I was full of love-chemicals; we were as bad as each other, and used to dare each other to stay on the ride.
So, months later we are living a continent apart; different nationalities with unhelpful immigration possibilities. A non-trivial age difference. He is about to embark on what has the danger to be messy bloody divorce (unless he captiulates totally and spends the rest of his life a wage slave for a depressed ex-spouse), and his teenage daughters refuse to speak to him for not giving up his home-wrecking whore (aka that english harlot – me). The last one is the hardest – i dont care what they think about me, but I felt the love in his heart for his daughters, it is sharp and bright like sun, a beautiful radiant love that, not being a parent, I have never felt before. I know it hurts that he cant see or speak to them and that if he had hidden our love or denied it then perhaps things could have been different.
A good thing is that his job is partially based in the uk, and pays to fly him over for a week or so perhaps once a month. So my life is becoming a strange hybrid of singledom and chastity interspersed with periods of intense contact. I havent quite got into the swing of it yet, or even worked out where the playground is to be honest. My emotions and heart have evolved intensely – to my slight dismay, as the love addiction has faded, i have discovered that i am actually still in love with this man. Feelings of commitment and monogamy I didnt think i was capable off are emerging, and a longing to create an impossible life with this man, to live together and have kids, to do the normal thing – and to have to accept I cant have this is like an exquisite bittersweet tease.
Something i wrote a few days ago :
” Its a bit emotionally intense with Jeff this time, trying to find a stable ground for our love, but all that’s happening is as I go deeper into adult woman emotions, all sorts of things I never felt before start to emerge. And I become more aware of how I’ve hurt others I’ve loved, and more aware of how hard and hurting elements of this situation are for me
I found the part of me this morning that shakes with a cold jealous rage, that wants to destroy and murder his wife and children, and not from some righteous “they don’t appreciate him” place but a full on evil poisoning witch that wants the man for herself and hates them for what they have had with him.
I found myself giving up and surrendering, falling backwards into a grey pool, sinking down further and further from him even as he slapped me and told me to kiss him it didn’t work I just smiled and fell away to a place where it doesn’t hurt. I’m heavy with it and my bleeding. I feel part of an eternal massive story of the triad of man wife mistress, when the mistress develops feelings and wants more than just to be enjoyed, when she wants to be the wife and realises she can’t… I didn’t know what to do any more so its like I’m sinking beneath all of it to see if there’s anything else there. There is all sorts of pain of women and love here. I don’t think this is depression I think its some other death. But wanted to tell you, as you were there, and will let you know when this changes and if I don’t in a week can you kick me and check if I’m alive still?”
Hooray for the adventure of humanity! It is very easy for me to start getting upset about what this man cant provide for me, for the seeming impossibility and perhaps even ‘pointless’ nature of our love. Where does it go from here? There is no guarantee, and no promise that we will live together in future. I’m having to look in the face of not having a family or children at all, of giving my life to some other adventure. However, I have found a stable place underneath the storms of mental-emotional turbulance. It comes down to this – a pure act of will. A choice that is made, and held to. For the last ten or so years i have been, as much as I can, following the impulses and choices of my soul, my embodied spirit and the longings it calls me to. Its been quite a trip, and to turn my back on that now is to deny my clearest life-hypothesis. I feel into my soul, and it is here I find a simple truth – I want to love this man. I enjoy loving him. I choose to love him. I am not willing to let it go, and so instead I will hold on, through the mess and chaos and pain and hurt, I will return to and come back and nurture this truth-choice of my spirit. I will not leave to look for another man when I will always be comparing and longing for the one who feels, still, to be my true match on this planet. I dont care what shape the love turns into. What way i can express it -words, friendship, touch, sex, these things are all expressions of a deeper call to intimacy and connection with this other being. I have a deep sense of need and of belonging. We lie together and it feels inexplicably good – always has done. I enjoy this, it is warmth and fire to my essence. I feel an apprecation and a respect for a man that i have never felt before, and this changes my whole outlook on the world. I am used to loving what a man provides for me, or how I feel around them, or how their desire for some aspect or another validates me. I have never really looked at a man and seen a beautiful magical creature in them that I cherish, that I adore and appreciation for reasons that have nothing to do with me -for the man in his own right. In turn this unlocks my vision to see such qualities in other men – and my massage work develops and deepens as I start to really appreciate the male spirit. It amazes me how good it feels to touch him, even after a day of massaging, when i feel tired and demanding. I enjoy feeling a love like this, it has a richness to it like an oil painting.
So how about this situation? Every week we get together feels like a reunion and an ending, it can almost feel cruel to allow our hearts and bodies to reacquaint before being ripped apart again. Having said that, we are finding ways to connect and feel each other through energy and voice and words, even far apart. In our best moments we are determined to embrace this crazy love, to show the world how we manage to sustain in it; in our worst we are crying and defeated in loneliness and hurt.
The uncertainty is particularly challenging to the controlling aspect of my mind. That wants to make plans and structures. However, in the best moments i choose to see it this way – that every moment of life is uncertain, that death can come at any time, without warning – there IS no guarantee. The poignancy of knowing our time is always limited means the choice for the moment is simple – despair or love. I do my best to chose love, though it doesnt always work that way.
Im becoming a believer that as human creative beings, and master illusionists – we really can create our own reality. Shift your perceptions, tell a different story, the feel of the world changes. And if we can really and truly accept the limits and the edges, we can create reality within that which allows for surprising discovery and depth. J and I can cry and bemoan what we cant have or be, or we can combine our creative talents together and make something amazing within the constraints. That’s what i want.
What is the foundation of our love? It cant be built in the physical world in the usual way. Looking at it on that level, and all i can see is the saturnian limits of time, money, distance. Accept those limits, and go deeper. I see the opportunity to experience a love that has no purpose, a love that exists purely for itself, where the child of this love may not be physical but can come out as art, as magic, as new ways to be. My soul has a plan, a mission, and it knows this man is integral to it, regardless what my mind can see. When I feel lost, then remember – i want to love this man, i choose to hold to this love, please just let me touch him – i feel myself recenter, i feel my will strengthen. I can make a choice to destroy this because it is hard, or believe myself to be strong enough to grow as I embrace it.
When I step back a bit, I can recognise that the family-kids mission hasnt been my primary goal…perhaps not ever…I just assumed it would probably happen somewhere along the way. If I can surrender all anxiety about this, then I can see that right now my life has huge potential. And I have the chance to really develop in the time I have alone – right now I am being truly self sufficient without living with a man, for the first time in over 5 years. I get to enjoy learning to care and develop myself without running around looking for a boyfriend. AND I get to experience incredible intimacy and magic with Jeff when we do get our time together. The journey of unfolding love doesnt have to stop just because the container looks different from the norm. It calls for more creativity, to find a whole new structure. The centre of it is love and care for myself, for life, and for enjoying and choosing to love a man in his own right, not for what he is currently able to provide for me. It is an experiement and an artistic endeavour in one – no guarantee – an adventure. Fuck knows where it goes, but im still not ready to get off the ride…
(written in a theatre, jan 18th, day of snow walks and hot coffee)