One of the most intriguing things about life is that the lessons and discoveries you actually learn are not the ones you expected. (or often planned for). Continual sequence of small surprises keeps me on my toes. 🙂
I think (hope) I will look back on this year (stretching back to last July) as when I learned some self-responsibility.
A growing awareness of the complexity and predictability and changeability of my self. The voice-of-calm has been getting louder (conscience?) and I can’t really pretend I can’t hear anymore.
IF there is any kind of ‘path’ to life, it’s not all direct motorway. I’ve spent a fair bit of time muddling about country lanes and polluted city streets. There are also always junctions and off-road options, MacDonalds Drive-thru service stations, pay-per-hour love motels. (ok this is a werid analogy even for me). Some of these places just distract or refresh you momentarily before you carry on with where you’re going, others can seriously divert the whole journey into a new one with a different destination. Sometimes I feel on a huge roundabout with many different options, including heading back where I came from or going around forever indecisively.
Destination: Purpose for which anything is destined; predetermined end, object, or use; ultimate design.
At the moment, I believe “destiny” is something that we make for ourselves, with help. Though maybe – it’s more a case of – chose from a whole series of destinies/lives handed to you by others, often unconsciously, or craft your own. A key point with the second one seems to be – *taking responsibility* for your actions and decisions and reactions.
Coupled with the responsibility *has* to be a kind of self-compassion, because otherwise it’s too easy to cut yourself up over failures and mistakes. “Become your own best friend not your worst enemy”.
The scariest thing to me is, that this is not just about -where- you ‘end up’ or -what- you doing, but actually the amount of control and affect we have on -who- we are. Accepting that the decisions I make and the things I open myself to seeing *will* change who I am. Personality is a lot more organic than I realised – but I kind of like that. 🙂
In this sense, every day offers a creative oppurtunity; not just about drawing or writing or building, but your whole life, and actions, and words, and interactions with others. It’s annoying when I miss the chance to do anything because I’m too fixated on bringing yesterday into today or worrying about tomorrow.
At some point
you’ve *I’ve* got to get out of being a victim. The oppurtunity to do this is all around me at the moment, as are many oppurtunities to become someone else, better or worse, or to simply stay on the roundabout.