Last time I had a day with Mike and got all angsty with him it was easy to see why that relationship wasn’t going to work or couldnt sustain me by itself.
Something happened though when Mike resigned his job last friday…
That combined with knowing there is only a week left till I won’t be seeing him for months, making it easier to let my heart open right up (easy in a sort of masochistic way). What happened though was, after a lot of emotion and anger and upset that the 13 years of supporting-encouraging-patiently waiting-pushing mike to form himself into something parental approved, he dropped the ball and fucked up his job. I fell in love with mike when I was 17; 1 month in he lost his job and from that point on I had to cope with being with an unemployed, low qualifications boyfriend who for a long time didn’t seem motivated to progress himself. It was a lot to hold at that age. There were lots of dissapointments and moments when it looked like it was going well only to cock up. Lots of times I wanted to start a life with him and then couldn’t. When I finally moved in with him it was done from desperation not choice and I remember thinking ” I will try this for 2 years while I finish my degree then make a decision on whether it works or not.” Not exactly love-based.
Well. The surprising thing that happened after mike lost his job, and its no longer my concern, is that a lot of shit got broken. All the years of trying to form him into something that parents could accept, that society demands, that was turning him into another “provider man” — it was all gone. He was back to just being mike. And surprisingly this allowed a big bubble of love to re-emerge, something which felt crushed aged 17/18 when my parents first disapproved of his lack of job. I didn’t see till that point just how much the approval-emphasis and the issue of his work and money was getting in the way. It was really nice to have a couple of days of simple care and appreciation. I cried quite a lot. I also noted how I still didn’t desire him as a man, even though he IS beautiful and I can appreciate him and his body, his relative youth and strength.
He also STILL loves me, still wants me to be the centre of his life, still wants to “look after” me and the other way round. Giving him 4 months alone is going to be very important for us both.
All these choices are not easy and take a lot of courage. I will miss mike. I will miss caring for him, and I will get moments of concern and worry for him.
Jeff and I have spoken a bit about how we can’t move forwards in the story of me versus his daughters. Actually it also goes the other way – it can’t be jeff rather than mike or replacement to mike. This is a whole different thing. It is about 2 adults wanting to restructure their whole life, to step past needing approval based love, and to do so together. To learn new ways to live and to be.
I’ve also had to look in the face of my fears and shadows too. It’s not easy. Because on some level I WANT it to be a choice. I want it to be a choice between his daughters and me, and for him to choose me because I am more important. This is a deep and early wound of feeling unwanted and unchosen by my parents, who seemed to choose emotional distance and work/career over me. That’s not true but its how it felt as a child. And when your mother is pouring attention on to other children in her work but not you it hurts. My child self is jealous of jeffs connection to his daughter because I wanted that with my dad (and my mum for that matter). And just wants to feel special and important to someone. Iam so tired of feeling second to something else.
I want to be the most important person in my loves life. But in Jeff’s case, this position is already taken by his children, and they are not my children. This is a kind of pain that is hard to express.
But I need to move beyond it or give up on this whole thing, or at least not dare to reopen my heart as deep as I really really long to. What scares me a bit is that in the last month or so I’ve come to see that much though I want love in the centre of everything, love alone is not enough, without protection it leads to abuse, and I’m hitting a place where my will and my self defense is getting fierce and strong enough to close and destroy things in the name of protecting sensitive parts of me. (Before I just let everything in. I see this particularly around protecting my submission, which I know jeff loves but hasnt got a grip on fulling caring for – nor me to his submissive part for that matter)
Still. It occurs to me — if I want to be the most important person in someone’s life, if that’s what matters the most, like it did as a child, then MIKE is RIGHT THERE. Infact I have had years of being the most important thing in someones life. And how did that work out?
I can see where the growth is. It is in becoming more my queen, more my adult, more this woman who loves herself and her own company. Being alone no longer scares me. Even being without sexual pleasure doesn’t scare me (caveat — I feed off sexual pleasure in my massage work still, and since not being physically touched I’m getting REALLY good at feeding on the energy to the point that the pleasure is almost indistinguishable….unless im just forgetting what its like in first person). I feel the echoes of the blood magic I did seeping through me. IAM becoming something else.
The thing is, that THIS woman isn’t going to give herself away flippantly. If my man wants my commitment, then I will wait to see what he can show me and offer me. I need his vision and I need to be able to take it in and see how my full self responds to it… I have been preparing myself all this time and now more than ever I want and need truth not fantasy. I hope he can appreciate that for all my adult life I have had that position of being the most important person for mike..its probably part of why I clung on to him, as a source of love that was completely dependable. I’m also having to really really accept the age difference, the vasectomy, the children, the different countries….
——— at this point my massage client turns up. And I allow a lot more than I’ve been doing and really get off on it. Still didnt get touched, still didn’t put my mouth on anything, but I got my boobs out and enjoyed them being admired and enjoyed some other man saying things that jeff says to me, it stirred a mixture of things, longing for jeff, annoyance-pleasure at allowing another man to use the same words he uses, gladness that i was being seen and appreciated on some level, enjoying skirting on the edge of being a complete whore again but not falling in, picking up especially on how this guy had a commanding dominance in him and was telling me what to do and giving me verbal rewards and just how incredibly deep my desire to submitt is. I liked hearing him express all sorts of desires and smiling in my truth creature as I told him no, but hearing them and refusing them gave me pleasure. I liked him telling me to talk dirty at the end so I did, feeling how I like being a slutty whore and I want to tell jeff about it and be punished. The guy said something really dominant at the end just before he came and I realise how much I want to just be broken down and defiled. Also how all the old things are still in me. Also starting to see the old pattern of being around mike in an asexual cute way and him only wanting to see the innocence ends up with a kind of defiant whoreishness a few days later. Thats why I want to be around a man that can handle and want anything. Before when I was trying really hard to refine myself out into something beautiful and pure, any sort of transgression would lead to panic and guilt that jeff would be angry and leave me, but actually this time the motivation really is something else, that I want to anger his master side so i get punished, because thats one sure way I can feel attention and like my actions matter. Its a bit fucked up really. Deeper than is a tiredness of trying to hold all this together and i just want to be broken down, or give up, or fuck up the way mike fucked up his stuff. Just give up and drop down a few levels. And there is also a sense of angry reaction to something that happened with Jeff, it’s a sort of shadow-dance that actually really is about connection and love and a sort of daring towards fighty-fiercess wanting to merge, but im not sure if jeff could see that. Im not trying to piss him off so much as draw out his full ferocity because knowing that is there would give me comfort.
Touching on this whore-ish slutty part of me really dragged up my shit, my disheartened feeling of being nothing but some stupid whorish entertainment for an older married man who will one day realise his mistake and drop me. That I have all the feelings you need for starting a life and a family with someone -but he’s already done that with someone else-. That trying to even pretend that we can have something “normal” is to miss the point, that we have to stay focused on our vision to fly above the cliche in either direction. That one day we have to have the courage to say – yes I AM still in love with the woman I cheated on my wife with, yes I didn’t care that he was married or had children, yes the family got destroyed and people got left behind but we still held to our love and believed in it to take us higher. Or something.
I hope I’m right that these are all growing pains and last minute fears before something big shifts.
My big fear is how Jeff keeps trying to downplay commitment, that its just for 4 months, that its a chance to try and see what we are, that ” it’s not like we are getting married ” — and all I can think is ” shit this really isnt anything other than a fun summer for him “. I’m, scared because i can feel myself ready to jump and open my heart up in whole new ways and I dont know if there is anything there to catch me if i do. Im scared because it’s true, that you only really live one moment at a time, that there are no guarantees, that these love stories dont work out like hollywood, that (as mark said ) this summer is all about working out and clarifying what the vision and shape and art for our love is.
All i can do right now is make as much space as i can but being clear on what it can’t be, just allowing expectations to drop, and really focusing on being centred in my own love, my tribe, my body, and my truth. To trust in the bigger vision of Life that we can’t see.