The last post was just the start of a huge long sleepness (partly coffee and also anxiety) night of doom. Bits of talking to Jeff here and there mostly getting more distance and afraid and broken. It was horrible to do this to him when hes right now in the most stressful point of his life. But it seems that im also clearing/sorting as much as i can in preparation for his visit.
Out of all of this I saw that his darkness isnt something to be taunted, that it’s not a destroyer/sadist so much as going cold and withdrawing which is one thing that really fills me with fear. I can see the potential for abuse relationship in that connection, and what happens to my submissive side when she becomes afraid and is willing to change anything/do anything. I really started loosing the plot.
At some point in the wee hours of the morning I realised I just dont want to do wanky whore massages any more. It upsets jeff and it’s not anywhere close to my full potential. What i did yesterday felt like saying goodbye to it. I really dont want to go back. I can see how the guy manipulated me, how he got let into my heart because i so desperately want people to appreciate my natural massage, and thats where it started. But i wont look outside for that any longer. I saw that if i dont give my submission to jeff or myself then it will leak out somewhere, and more than submission what im really craving was someone just telling me what to do with my work.
I did manage to speak and reconnect really deeply to jeff this morning which was great for both of us. My life and my art is much better for this connection. It’s so much easier when i feel him inside me, i am still learning how to cherish and protect myself when im alone.
This morning the 8.30 am wanky massage cancelled and I had someone at 11.30 for 90 min “holistic massage”. He and i were blown away by what Ican really do. I was mixing massage, energy, fierceness, capactiy to feel all sorts of pain and then bring care and pleasure to his body and he was able to release ancient trauma and loads of it too — crying, fear, anxiety – lots. He was really impressed and greatful. I dont care i got less money, I loved this.
And I WILL integrate it together. That i can work on people’s whole bodies – i was touching around his perineum, groin, but not directly on the cock, is something rare, than i can mix pleasure in after being strong enough to vomit out trauma, all of this is amazing. Today i really felt like the shaman-massage-osteopath.
He gave me pointers for better places to advertise – something called mums.net – and it is all very encouraging to help me create a new form of work over the summer and then to fly.
The rest of the afternoon im having with mike as our last day together. He is going through waves of shock and trauma too, grief, denial, all of it, but he is looking for ways to move forward. I already spoke to him about needing space from him too. I think we will have some more emotional chats, and then steak for dinner.