“so much of who we are gets tangled up in other people; and when we loose them, it is as though part of us has died. I’m always struck by the tangible icey heart-pain of breaking up from a person, I left a guy behind in portsmouth when I came here and it took me a while before I even cried about it. And when I did, I cried a LOT. In some sense it as mourning process, and in the same way I feel it’s best to allow yourself to cry, shout, scream or whatever it is you need to do.
At the same time, what we realise when we find ourselves alone, is that there is more to us than ‘X’s girlfriend/wife/lover/friend’. They can go, and there is something left, even if it is bruised and hurting. In love we can open ourselves up to joy and pain and the wonders and satisfactions of being close to another person…. but it is in solitude we can explore who WE are, in relation to ourselves, to the world. When I was travelling, I dreamt I could return home and go live with Mike… I’m now so glad I didn’t, because I’ve learnt so much about myself in the last year and what makes me really happy..I feel like I’m getting stronger, and more alive somehow. It’s not an easy journey but I believe everyone can do it. And we don’t do it alone, we meet others on the journey, friend, teachers..
You know when people say it was when they gave up on love and relationships that they found that ‘special person’, fell in love and so on? ie when they weren’t looking anymore. I;ve seen this happen and I think I have some idea how it works – when women (or men) have time to develop their own life, along their own lines of interest and find what fuels them, then it almost creates a kind of gravity that pulls people and situations towards them… like collecting our efforts inwards to ourselves rather than expending them rushing around seeking something. Or in more general terms – when we follow *our* interests it takes us to places and people where we are likely to meet someone we really get on with. Being ‘free and single’ is a great oppurtunity to do this, because you don’t always have to find compromise activities with you and your partner.
I think we are all looking for someone to recognise and love who we are, this is part of being human and hence nothing to be ashamed about. But there are more ways to find this than just in a romantic partner. More and more, it is my friends which are becoming important to me, perhaps simply because there isn’t this sense of a clock ticking down to ‘break up time’ or perhaps the more scary sense of eternal commitment (but then I am appalling bad at commiting to anything!!). Plus humans (especially women) as so complex and chaotic I don’t think you can ever find one person who will satisfy everything you need.
I reckon next year is going to be fun. I’m thinking of lots of ideas to do.. when Mike left, I realised how much of my time and energy was taken up worrying about him. I love him, and I miss him when he’s not around, though to be honest more and more I’m finding theres so many others amazing things in life to explore.
Also..men suck 🙂
ok that wasn’t such a quick thought as a mini essay… 🙂
“Regards your own time, I think it is less an issue about your own time or time to yourself but time to do what you want, as opposed to doing things to satisfy other people, or doing what you think other people want. I think this may be directly related to your self esteem. Your former (and improving) low self esteem cannot but make you feel other peoples wants, needs and desires are more important than your own. Thus it is natural to try to fulfill other people’s desires before your own.
I think the changes you are going through recently – your ‘unravelling’ as you put it – are part of the solution. I think you are starting to find yourself, and discover what /you/ want from life, as opposed to trying to be what you think other people want you to be – you are starting to cast off other peoples expectations and begining to think independantly. From there you will discover your wants and needs, and having identified what you want, you will be in a better position to go about getting it. (this may sound terribly selfish to one as un-selfish as yourself, but the sad truth of this world is there are precious few people who will put you before themselves. It’s up to you to put you first, and fit everyone else in round what you want)
It is very probable that self confidence worries are tied into the same ‘wanting to please your peers’ issues, but the self confidence will sort itself out in time. All you need do when worried is concentrate on thinking “I may not be able to do it, I may fail miserably, but I will try as best I can, because /I/ want this”. I think you will rapidly realise that you are capable of a great deal more than you think (or a great deal more than others have lead you to think in the past). Just keep in mind that the worst that can happen should you fail is that you will disappoint yourself – this is not a problem, and nothing to get all worked up about.”
..yay for meaningful human interaction