Somewhere between the Earth and the End, underground and hidden, is the Passage. The Passage leads from one world to another, a path of transition. It is there in the cervix-vagina : the struggle out from water-womb to screaming airy life. It is there in our intestines of fiery transformation, nourishment separated from waste, the living walls sensing and vigilant to contents of the material pulsing through. The Passage is damp wet rocks and caves, fluid eroded whether by sea or lava. It is always dark, sometimes moist with water and tears or dry and parching. Time is outside it, space seems to stretch out to infinity or close around tight and claustrophobic. It’s hard to sense anyone else when you are in there, struggling or lost. No matter how many souls have worn down this route, It always feels personal.
“I’m fed up with this whole bloody thing.” the Girl is complaining. “my life used to be fun, much more fun than this….this…endless tedious exhaustingly boring step-by-step-by-step-by-step. GAH.” She sits down and pouts and kicks a few rocks around with her feet.
Since then I’ve been up and down, switching from silly girl to dark woman and many shades in between. But a cloud of naiveity followed with me, an aura of fool-like protection, as I didn’t notice or know much of what I was really getting into. I didn’t notice the scrapes or damage happening to my essence or those around me until I started trying to come back into one integrated self this year.
And since starting down THAT path, it’s felt like illusions being ripped away from me, and waves of horror as I see back at what I did or said or allowed. At the time, I felt free in my fragmentation, and life was fun even with the drama as no real tie of every day grind was keeping my feathered feet to the ground. Everything was about me, and I didn’t begin to understand the nature of deep care for self or others, the awareness of the world around you and the interplay of effects between people, until this year. Until I started having to care for myself or die to life.
2013 has been a passage year, and it was not the start or end of this longer, slower, more painful growth. Being in the midst of transition though, there are points when the Girl in me is tired and pissed off. It was fun, that falling, and the obliviousness kept a sense of trust in the world around me that I can’t quite claim back. I’m suspicious now, of myself, of the world. Suspicious and watchful, because now I care about my life and self and others it’s hard not to.
I’ve developed a full blown anxiety issue in london, ample material to alchemise but at times I admit it can seem too much, and there is a sort of disorientation to being betwixt and between the Girl and the Woman, with perhaps the Witch looking on to it all and cackling. I can look back at where I was, and feel nostalgic for the way that life felt – looking out through those eyes – but I can’t go back to being that person now because whilst Iove myself then I sort of hate how I was too. A friend of mine going through counselling describes a similar experience.
i’m cradling the hardest, heaviest part of me in my hand
the ship is pitching and heaving, my limbs are bobbing and weaving
and i think this is something i understand
i just need a couple vaccinations for my far-away vacation
i’m going to go ahead and go boldly because a little bird told me
that jumping is easy, that falling is fun
up until you hit the sidewalk, shivering and stunned
All the same as the dark days of winter bring their crispess coldness, and limit the light, I’ve been planting some good seeds and taking in story of the year. When the leaves are gone from the trees, you can finally see the shape of the branches.
And the pouty Girl demanding fun is not something to throw away. It was HER petulance at too many boring indoor evenings, compressed in by work and pressures, that led me to go on meetup groups, looking for sparks of new life and friend connection.
Finding the Heroine with a Thousand faces group caught my soul immedietly. Yet the night before my first meeting, I hit a moment of total collapse, where those Passage walls are pushing in on all sides and it weight of it all brings you to your knees. It is not often when I express my wearyness but when it comes out it’s dramatic. Hopeless exhaustion, wanting to give up on it all, feeling totally alone. Resistant to taking on anything new, or fearful that something I’d had high hopes on would be dissapointing. Myth and stories and women who know alchemy – the idea of meeting others like this – or indeed having a place to Speak – it was almost to precious to risk.
My man helped me that night, and I started the day full of new optimism and determination. Without pushing myself and my knackered body and mind, I nonetheless headed of on the epic journey to go meet the Queen…
I enjoy the time of year when the days turn to autumn, the air crisps in the night with the smell of woodsmoke, and yet the sunshine in the day is golden and warm. The hectic pace of summer slows and it is time for rest, retreat, sharing stories and sipping stew. Taking in and taking stock.
It has been over a year since moving out the small safe place of Mike’s flat, and my life since then has been a turbulent and at times exhausting adventure. But through it I’m coming to learn a lot about myself and maturing from a girl to a woman, and a woman who I am impressed by and respect.
After months of anxiety and uncertainty, trying to probe and prepare for the future with my over-educated mind only to find unexpected surprises, I’ve finally let go of some of the need to control what’s happening. I thought by this stage Jeff would have returned to the USA, but instead an impressive temporary work arrangement has been claimed – most of which he can do remotely in the UK. Right now he is in california but by this time next week, all being well he will be back in london, possibly with another 6 months here. We are claiming a life of creativity.
I have created for myself a week off – saved up the rent money so I don’t need to work this week, allowing me to run away from the noise of London to Bath Spa and my tribe-friend Mark. Having spent almost 5 months continuously with one man in a very intense relationship, I was a bit scared to find myself full of holes and troubles when said man was gone. Turns out the space apart only reveals to me just how much I have grown, stronger and clearer I have become. And the sense of calm joy to be able to focus for a while only on myself is beautiful – I’m no longer the girl that needs others to pour care into me, I can enjoy giving myself good things and create art directly with life and with friends.
I find London living hard. The cleaner air, the relative quiet, and the nature around me here in bath is a true solace. I have to make sure I give myself nature-retreat days once I’m back in the big smoke. Mark and I have known each other for over 10 years now, we spent the first evening going through old photos, remarking at how smooth and soft we looked at 20, and the stages of change and growth we’ve been through and adventures we’ve had. So much more to come! For the last few weeks I’ve been feeling a real sense of excitement and potential for my future – it reminds me of graduating university, when the world unfolds in front of you. With many of my contemporaries marrying, settling, forming families right now, it’s nice to enjoy a positive feeling of growth or alternative adventure for what I can do rather than a kind of failure of what I’m not.
I’m challenging every self imposed or society imposed limitation of thinking right now – smashing them down, and every chance I get allowing and encouraging an ever increasing space for something really awesome to be created. Many of my friends are feeling the same. Where I used to limit myself in fear – that I’m not good enough, or I can’t do something, or life is in the way, I’m starting to really believe that I can do anything I want to, that I have a fierceness and determination to create.
The success of Jeff’s art show – an event that we created together and supported by love, friends, and family – this was a symbol that convinces me a man and woman can run together and create as equals. We are both proud artists that have believed that the creation of art is ultimately a solitary, even selfish pursuit, to be done in the moments you can sneak off from responsibility or carve out and claim despite what others wish of us. To open up our art and share it with another artist – indeed to combine artistic processes and skills and let them mingle together with success – this seemed laughable and risky. But now we have shown ourselves and the world that such a thing is not just possible but brilliant. I am still taking it in. Since the art show we have created other smaller things, it feels like making children, whether it is a business contract or a perfect analogy, the art that we make together goes out into the world and affects people. And from that affect comes change. Within this is a seed for a whole new model of symbiosis between men and women. Now I’ve felt it once I’m not letting go. And I’m looking for other ways to create together with others through love – where once people had to force support on me, now I can call for it joyfully, weave it in to what I’m making, share the enjoyment of the outcome. Enthusiastically create again, and again. This is a creativity driven by pure enjoyment, and it reminds me precisely of how I felt drawing and writing as a child, creating “just because”, for the sake of it. Now I’m creating with my whole life, and I will use every skill and tool at my disposal. And I will invite others in joyfully, and we can marvel at what happens.
The magic really comes when you open up even further, when it’s not just you and your lover or your friends, but the whole of life and nature. When you let the sun light and the cool breeze mingle with your essence, when you see the very activities and dance of the day as a creative act. Where you are open to influence from the world around you and let yourself be shaped by it.
“Vulnerability is the only authentic state. Being vulnerable means being open, for wounding, but also for pleasure. Being open to the wounds of life means also being open to the bounty and beauty. Don’t mask or deny your vulnerability: it is your greatest asset. Be vulnerable: quake and shake in your boots with it. the new goodness that is coming to you, in the form of people, situations, and things can only come to you when you are vulnerable, i.e. open.”
― Stephen Russell, Barefoot Doctor’s Guide to the Tao: A Spiritual Handbook for the Urban Warrior
Mark and I had a whole day like this, dancing with nature, moving from high hills to hidden caves, feeling the sun and then the coolness, breathing it in, resting within it. I sat on the hill looked at the mingling of man and nature spread out below. I sent out prayers of gratitude with smoke, felt the sky and the grass under my feet. In the cave I felt solitude and myself and the blissful silence. We shared words and fears and stories and dreams. We reflected and we pondered. We just felt and were. I love the forest, the scents of the woods, the sunlight on my skin. I love seeing the mushrooms and the green leaves, the earth and streams that you can drink from. I took it all in and marvelled at the day we were creating for ourselves. After the woods was tea and cake 🙂 I’ve put some photos of our adventures in a gallery below.
Out of this day were some particular moments of magic. A fly landing on my hand just as we were taking some baphomet photos – as if nature was creating with us. A cat waiting on a path for us as we left the cave – quite how a cat got out that far I don’t know. Spider webs illuminated in sunlight reminding me of my fear and creativity. There was one especially magical moment : we sat in the cave watching smoke, and a beam of the golden sunlight came in and hit part of the rock deep inside the cave. It shone so bright it looked like liquid gold, or something magical in the rock itself. The video only captures an idea of it; something alive, flickering in the darkness. This made me so happy on many levels. I’ve been looking for new imagery of the way the male-female energies can come together in a dance — one of them in the sense of my feminine body-sexuality as dark rock or coal, deep inside a cave, that waits for the golden light of the sun and man to hit it, in doing so turning the rock to gold. This is how I perceive it and even tried describing it to Jeff – to see this image in reality, and to feel how it exactly matched in fact went beyond what I saw in my imagination just blew my mind. And I saw this golden light just seconds after declaring out loud that I was ready to create with life, in a much wider way than before. The timing was perfect. I love this feeling in co-creating with the Earth — it’s common to take in the beauty around you and then mix with your imagination to produce art. This experience felt like seeing something from my imagination become manifest — or perhaps more accurately helped me feel how deeply part of life-nature we are. The imaginations of my mind and the workings of life are one and the same. *cue sound of mystic overload* 🙂
“The sword is a handle onto the Way of the world that is offering itself to you. If you are willful it will weigh a ton and wear you out. If you lose focus it will cut open your hand. Mindfulness keeps your mind on the blade; and if you are mindful you will not think about the future or past, there will be no blocks to the flow of Tao, and the Way of the world will flow through the sword and through you. You will become the sword of the world.”
― Doc Pruyne, Persimmon
magicalbookfindI lost myself for a while. Through the alchemy of my love-dance with Jeff I’ve burnt through, embraced, enjoyed, deepened and been challenged. In the last few weeks though destructive patterns have surfaced and it’s been emotionally very draining and difficult. We came to a point of remembering that we want to create a life with enjoyment in it… I just read my last post going on and on about it. Takes a while for the implications to sink in.
I’ve been having to grow, from a girl to a woman. The love with Jeff has been unlike anything else, feelings woken up and shaken through me. Fantasy and illusion as much as truth and joy. The last week I’ve felt strong enough to start really looking at the difficult things, and seeing if I can accept them or not.
I have noticed myself falling again and again into an anxiety ridden world of unsafety and uncertainty. Feeling lost and caught in a storm with nothing to hold on to. Clinging to jeff only drags us both down. What characterised the start of our love was a sense of growing and becoming more together, of feeling beautiful and whole. Lately I’ve hated what I’ve seen come out of me, the insecurity, emotional clingyness, destructive demanding patterns. My friends have noticed me loosing my sparkle and i have found levels of stress returning beyond anything I felt when alone.
I’ve been properly splitting from mike and grieving him and the certainty of his enduring vision for us. I’ve had him in the background since I was 17. Even if the box became emotionally abusive and limiting it was still a box and sometimes it’s nice to have a box to sit in. I saw how unhealthy it was for him to make me the central purpose of his life, and yet it does feel really good to have someone do that for you. I could see myself putting jeff in that same box and the depth and intensity of the emotions and the vulnerability that comes with it was leading to huge emotional panick.
Initially I had to make big efforts to break out from a world with only one person in it, to reach back to my friends and make time to see them. Especially the women friends. But i found every time I saw them, even if just for an hour, strength returned and emotions resolved or became clear. Last night I spent the whole evening and night with Emily, and I loved this female time, with someone I deeply love, to see I can enjoy touching someone else and feeling cared for.
Sleeping near her I felt emotions come up that there is no room for around Jeff, emotions of dissapointment, of sadness, of dawning realisations of the reality of our situation.
This morning I sat on the step of their house and started to cry. Tears of a girl who for the last year has made one man and one love the centre of her life. It felt so good to do that. I have spent a year swinging between waiting for him and being with him. Actually I’ve spent many many years waiting, waiting for a man to be there, waiting for attention, waiting to be cherished. Waiting for a man who I genuinelly loved and wanted to create a life with. I’d actually convinced myself I wasn’t capable of feeling monogamous desire for a man, or wanting to hold a relationship as my main reason and creative purpose. And then I found that man, found the man I wanted to make a life with, a home with, a family with….all the feelings came into me and the pain of not being able to have that is something I didn’t want to look at.
In the first few months he was living with me it was possible to pretend, to sort of squint a bit and imagine we were in a “normal” relationship and I could have all of it. But it’s not true and even though my mind couldn’t accept it my emotions knew.
Right now I’m grieving the end of that fantasy. I WANTED to make that man the centre of my life. I wanted us to “have a life together”. You know with the family and all of it. But that just isn’t what we are, or what we can be. We are on an adventure together, but I don’t know where it goes or for how long. It hurts to let go of this.
I feel that by clearing out the illusion I’m making space for something bigger and hopefully better. That what is going in the centre of my life now is a vision not of one man, but of creating a life I enjoy being in. That could take many many shapes. Can include other people and loves. As is grounded back in my own body and being, in nature, in fiercess and love.
I’ve had to set Jeff free from my own clinging desires. It’s his time to create and to flow and to feel freedom like he’s never had before. My yearnings to create a home don’t fit. Our material situation isn’t easy or simple – money, time, location, different nationality, visas, age. I wanted to pretend and i was doing quite well at pretending but now i need to and am ready to look at the physical truths.
To enjoy this relationship for what it actually IS and could be means really getting past what it isn’t. I have to fight a bit my desire to shut down and withdraw in fear sadness and dissapointment. My only choice is to recentre in this fierce woman-ness that has her own magical authority, that is creative and respected. That is full in herself. And that woman can dance with a man for enjoyment not for purpose.
All the same…I mourn the loss of the fantasy feelings. The complete devotion and willingness to surrender all else and to make a relationship the centre. It was so beautiful it makes me cry. It was something I never thought I could even feel and I’m not sure if I will feel again.
I am ready to bring realistic perspective, saturnian limits and truth. Allow the heavyness as much as the light and let it ground me. I am feeling….not lost but also not sure where I am going next or what I create. I feel both really strong and really vulnerable. This is a new stage and it feels truth ful. I feel wobbly like a new fawn but with the inner determination and knowing I’m growing into a stag.
Tonight I’m going out dancing the new moon with two women. I can’t see what the future can be now. I want to become strong and to make space for something really awesome.
Edit….found a magical book ha! Happened as I left emily.
Last night Rama-Mark, Jeff and I went out together to the Antichrist club birthday party. We looked hot! I was in love with my beautiful dark magical creature-man. In the week together, lots has happened and fears coming up to be addressed. Mark has been facing each fear head on and moving past it, really impressive. He had a fear about taking drugs as the last few times have been difficult for him. I suggested that he could have the other half of a pill I used for my self-love journey back in may, and that jeff and i could split the last pill.
After last weekends trials with the Ayuahuasca I was ready to do something fun, loving and I really wanted to share with them both the particular magic of being high in a place with music and lights and smoke and lasers. Antichrist is full of magical people dressed up expressing themselves and I feel that especially that the mix of light and dark is there it really does feel like my temple. The PVC fetish wear makes me feel like a priestess much more than hippy clothes 🙂
Mark wasnt sure till he got there which way he would go. He decided – yes. There was a horrible moment when I came back from the bathroom having split the pills up and realised i no longer had marks part. I went back retracing steps looking for a tiny piece of tinfoil and then was really happy to find it. We were set! The medicine had come via Emily, and was full of love and had been kept in a box of crystals 🙂
We enjoyed it very much! I loved the blend of moving into being and helping each other come into the experience. It took a while to really kick in for Jeff, he had to go through the “hmm maybe drugs just dont work on me anymore” feeling, but later on it did and he was looking around at the lights going WOW I see what you mean.
I love how this medicine helps things to be spoken clearly. I was able to sort through some challenges with Jeff, how really needed not just my weakness but the strength of my choice to be with him acknowledged. I went through some fearful places around my parents and my dad being proud/not proud of me. The big theme for me at the moment is really claiming full creative control on my own life, not following what is expected, from parents/culture/my earlier ideas. Challenges around having got this professional qualification and not wanting to actually BE that profession..not wanting it to be wasted time/effort/resource. Seeing though that if i really start creating my personal magic I can weave all these aspects in on my own terms.
I want to allow myself to follow my heart now, fully, and step into unknown realms.
Today I’m on my way to an old school friends’ wedding – my mother is coming along for the service, it’s at the church i grew up in, and the whole thing sort of symbolises the life that im not choosing right now. Oddly at AC there were a couple of women dressed in wedding dresses with collars on, and it helped me to look at them and say no, thats not what im being, not the final goal of my feminity.It’s not an easy groove to step out from especially when there is a sense of wanting my mother to celebrate my marriage and give her a grandchild and all sorts of weird stuff. To really claim that my life right now is going in a very different direction.
I’ve had lots of fear of really embracing it and i could feel how something new is trying to emerge in my heart but it is fragile and a bit uncertain.
What I’ve been missing is how Ive needed to claim and permit MY enjoyment with my life. Not for other people to feel good about. On the trip I had a point when i was trying to go over stuff with jeff and he told me no, now just look around and ENJOY this. He gave me permission and Iloved seeing him taking in his surroundings and life, exclaiming how he loved seeing all the people and their beautiful expressions of creativity. I love how he takes in the visual enjoyments, its different to what I do, and it opened up a new appreciation for me. I love how much my man wants to appreciate the world. Its no wonder his body wanted to reject the death-vine.
I found a space where for a few moments i fully could see and take in what my life is right now aside from all the self-imposed projections/problems/requirements. I saw that i really have got awesome things and people and love around me, that the way i’m living is beautiful. That what’s been missing is that i’ve not allowed myself to really enjoy it. I saw how whilst I’ve been able to enjoy time touching and being touched with Jeff, I’d not been able to take in the bigger picture. I was lost in the details. He really needs to be enjoyed and that includes how he has made this time to come over to the uk and be here with me. It is vital that we create a few months now that are full of productivity AND enjoy it as we do so. Somewhere in me i really didn’t think i was allowed to enjoy my life, unless perhaps it ticked certain boxes or got approval.
I also dont need to rage at people who ARE getting married etc or dismiss them because i dont get to have it. At the wedding today I’m going to open my heart and celebrate with my old friend that she has chosen and found the life she wants, and to see the beauty in it without the bitterness i’ve felt somewhere in me when I’ve been at other weddings. And at the same time i will hold joy in my heart for the the life I am choosing and creating now. True art is not about looking a certain way.
Last night, I still didn’t feel fully back after my Ayahuasca adventures. I was lying in bed with Jeff, feeling very flat and like the colour of life just hadn’t come back. I asked if he could help to call me back, and to feel my heart. It felt crushed, tight and knotted deep inside my chest. Body-energetically I felt a sense of a slow swinging from one side to another, almost like a pendulum. Jeff felt something too – he said ” It feels like there is a choice to be made, between two options. Whether you need love or not.”
The last post was just the start of a huge long sleepness (partly coffee and also anxiety) night of doom. Bits of talking to Jeff here and there mostly getting more distance and afraid and broken. It was horrible to do this to him when hes right now in the most stressful point of his life. But it seems that im also clearing/sorting as much as i can in preparation for his visit.
Out of all of this I saw that his darkness isnt something to be taunted, that it’s not a destroyer/sadist so much as going cold and withdrawing which is one thing that really fills me with fear. I can see the potential for abuse relationship in that connection, and what happens to my submissive side when she becomes afraid and is willing to change anything/do anything. I really started loosing the plot.
At some point in the wee hours of the morning I realised I just dont want to do wanky whore massages any more. It upsets jeff and it’s not anywhere close to my full potential. What i did yesterday felt like saying goodbye to it. I really dont want to go back. I can see how the guy manipulated me, how he got let into my heart because i so desperately want people to appreciate my natural massage, and thats where it started. But i wont look outside for that any longer. I saw that if i dont give my submission to jeff or myself then it will leak out somewhere, and more than submission what im really craving was someone just telling me what to do with my work.
I did manage to speak and reconnect really deeply to jeff this morning which was great for both of us. My life and my art is much better for this connection. It’s so much easier when i feel him inside me, i am still learning how to cherish and protect myself when im alone.
This morning the 8.30 am wanky massage cancelled and I had someone at 11.30 for 90 min “holistic massage”. He and i were blown away by what Ican really do. I was mixing massage, energy, fierceness, capactiy to feel all sorts of pain and then bring care and pleasure to his body and he was able to release ancient trauma and loads of it too — crying, fear, anxiety – lots. He was really impressed and greatful. I dont care i got less money, I loved this.
And I WILL integrate it together. That i can work on people’s whole bodies – i was touching around his perineum, groin, but not directly on the cock, is something rare, than i can mix pleasure in after being strong enough to vomit out trauma, all of this is amazing. Today i really felt like the shaman-massage-osteopath.
He gave me pointers for better places to advertise – something called mums.net – and it is all very encouraging to help me create a new form of work over the summer and then to fly.
The rest of the afternoon im having with mike as our last day together. He is going through waves of shock and trauma too, grief, denial, all of it, but he is looking for ways to move forward. I already spoke to him about needing space from him too. I think we will have some more emotional chats, and then steak for dinner.
My relationship-story-dance with Jeff has been full of uncertain futures and unknown outcomes. It’s certainly been a case of love in the moment. Finding the balance between that and commitment though, to carry through moments of fear and uncertainty, is quite tricky. For the last few months on the first day of my bleeding, I have used that as a marker point to decide if I want to continue and commit to what we are doing for another cycle and tgen use the blood to bind. The first time I did this it came from my deep submission and offering of myself to a true master…since then Jeff has owned some of his shadow and his capacity in that sense has dramatically developed, as has his capacity to influence my energy and essence…and to be respected by me. I have a growing full trust in him like I’ve never felt before, along with a yearning sense to belong. It’s scary and exciting and beautiful. The next bleed came with intense magic and art and fierceness and I decided to claim and to enjoy our love in whatever shape it took. He left before the following cycle started, however Mark was around and we did some powerful magic between the Queen and the Warrior of baphomet. Mark witnessed me claiming that dark full love magic in a potent way, and I saw his determination and fear for his ritual to come. I’ve enjoyed feeling my growing queen-energy this month and having it witnessed by others too.
Now my bleeding comes again, I think this may have been the first full cycle that my man has been absent, that I have not felt his touch or his kiss, since we met. Although we took a couple of days to talk and reconnect a bit in these weeks of “silence”, we have had some full time apart and let the whole of our old pattern to fall away to make space for something new to grow in the summer when he arrives.
I thought that I would start bleeding tomorrow, when I’d have a chance to connect with Jeff and perhaps do some magic together with the blood. But it came a day early, on a day that’s important for him to focus on his daughter who is having a birthday, and on grief, and on his own death-as-approval-man and the full implications of what that means.
So instead I’m doing something else. I am typing this in the garden, sharing myself with life and nature. I saw a vortex on the ground and I’ve created art-magic around it – using stones and shells and pottery and other items I found around. It is based on a medicine-wheel, with colours for the directions, and in the centre I have put the first peace-lily flower from inside, that has started to brown and die, it looks caught between life and death. I will pour my blood into the vortex-art-magic, and this month shall be not about claiming just the love-relationship, nor even stepping into the Queen, but surrendering ALL into lifes-magic, honouring-renewing a vow I made almost 10 years ago to give myself to Life in service and in love. The difference now is I understand and see myself as part of this life and nature, and I approach her and myself with deeper care and love than ever before. I will for this next cycle, which carries me through the summer solstice, make commitment to life, this view of my self as part of life, to plant the seeds of life-death-rebirth magic and art. To be THIS woman who can enjoy her own company, who can hold all, and in this full connection I will embrace and welcome and cherish my man. In HIS full truth, pain, brokenness, hope, vision, ALL of it, all of him, all of life and friends and loves and tribe.
Promise for this month : I will not run any more from my strength, my power, or my potential. I will hold and care for
my weakness and fear, but carry her forward with me into the world and life I’m ready to birth. I want to create a life with love in the centre.
Notes on the post-post-metaphysics about a new model of reality and truth need to wait; right now I want to write about sex :
It has been at least a month now. I think maybe 5 weeks. This is a LONG TIME to not feel any sexual touch or intimacy when the last 10 years have been full of it 🙂 For a while I’ve been focusing on other things and I wondered if maybe I was reverting to a prepubescent state. Luckily not. In this time I’m learning important things about the connection to myself and to life. I’m feeling a re-emergence of creative desire. In the last two days, perhaps through a cocktail of hormones, relaxation and sunshine (plus no massages for a while now, which does give me at least a sort of channel-art for a transmuted sex) I have been feeling moments of intense yummy horniness. What’s really cool is that I’m actually getting fantasy imagery, which isn’t something thats really happened before, or not for a long time. I’ve been experimenting with it, savouring it, and loving seeing how it’s not a general horniness, its actually very specific to one particular man. If i imagine generic man or some random hot man I’m seeing at the festival doing something I just get an ick reaction. But if I imagine HIM then I get a really tasty burst of memories and sensations and sensuality. The other thing I’m playing with is just the raw energy — not letting it seep out around me, drawing men in, but instead drawing it up inside my body and breathing it in to me. Then mixing it with the energy of the trees and the life around me and having to struggle not to make blatant I’m having sex noises in front of my friends. This is all part of me taking responsibility for my sexuality and I like it. I hope my man is ready to take his time discovering and exploring a whole new level of woman, I don’t want to be rushed, swallowed down like a big piece of cake by a hungry person, I want this resanctified body to be really enjoyed with full attention and creativity.,
Last night I was back in my cold tent. I actually like the feeling of den, of putting on lots of clothes and warmth and making a place for me. And then I held on to my body, and my sex, and thought about drawing in the energy and warmth and fire and heat right up from the earth. Even typing this now I can fee heat building up around my coccyx. In the absence of my lover-as-man, I’m learning how to merge with the earth itself. I was feeling pretty toasty until josie in the tent next door called out about could I feel the icy draft and then i could and sort of lost the heat for a while.
Because I felt no sexuality really until AFTER someone else touched me, and then I learnt how to feel pleasure from others well well before I began to learn it from myself… I had a big fear that if I didn’t have an Other around to touch me then I’d go back to being unsexual. Even when Jeff is far away we found ways to feel each other and have sex with each other long distance. So this time of silence (ok i lost it bit when i was slightly drunk) is helping me really discover new ways to relate to my own sexuality and become even more awesome in it.
Although I could just feel the pangs of longing and sorrow of being alone, I’m practising choosing to enjoy these pangs, the call of eros pulling at me for beautiful intimacy and pleasure — to be merged all the time would mean never having room for that longing…so I am enjoying this desire, and feeding it even, and letting fantasy and imagery fill me and nourish me and only grow my desire for this man of truth and courage, for my mate, for his touch, for his kiss. For his company — this village and fesitval are full of things that he would enjoy it is strange not having him here. I love discovering how its not just need for touch and pleasure, its a need for this one man and his soul and time for us and our love that I want. I hope he enjoys knowing this too.
I want to strip for him, offer him my naked body, my full self, my moans of pleasure and my raking claws of desire and lust, I want to draw him into my heart and let my love fill him, I want to feel his pleasure and his fire, I want I want I want. Mmmmmmxxxxxx