I’ve been having some really vivid dreams lately. Most of them echo a problem or an issue in my life that I’ve put behind me, forgotten about or would rather ignore.
It’s a bit like my mind is saying : Here – look. Look at this, see it’s there, acknowledge yourself and your weaknesses.
Hormones and wine encourage a slight muddying at the moment (or at least, last night), but beyond the usual fuzziness and mental-twitching there is something rather stark and true.
The thing is, I don’t feel particularly worried, confused, or upset. I feel like I’m learning something.
I think there has been a shift, somewhere, that happened perhaps suddenly or over the last 2 years.
To really understand something means to let it show you itself, in a basic raw form – not to work your way through a toolkit of explanations and theories till you find the one that best fits. It involves a certain type of mental humility; to adopt the mind of a total beginner despite how much you think you know. This is slightly problematic because we have so many assumptions.
What I want to do is not find the ultimate answer in a certain theorists book, but start again and figure it out for myself by simply looking. (My dreams show me more truth by just -showing me- myself..) I feel there is understanding to be gained from doing this, but perhaps not something which can be then expressed in words or mathematics alone.
With this in mind, I will stop trying to impose frameworks on myself, and just see(find) what there is. I’m not sure if that will take me to a point of enlightenment or of madness.
Perhaps this is all just procrastination. Can someone point me towards reality?
((enough of this, time for fresh air and sunshine))