spinning in the dark

it is like there is a long forgotten nerve slowly being revealed to the light..or that the boundaries have worn thin. I would like to think I’ve digressed to teenagerism but thats too easy. No, this is loooong suppressed life, indignation, anger. Not a bitter anger, something that burns white and hot. Something with eyes that shine green in the moon, that can stretch out into a shadow and disappear into the night.

What I’m uncovering in me both scares and reassures me. We push aside so much of our essential being to replace it with some flimsy notion of ‘humanity’, in doing so, so often we deny ourselves the basic experiences of life, replace it with mental noise….I want to yell out and break things. I want to run and run and run..

//I surrender my childhood. I have outgrown these boxes within boxes. But I have to keep control(?), this scares me.

I can feel things slipping apart again, but this time I’m letting it go. The more I let go, the stronger the life grows (and the more the anger swells.)

This is so stupid.

patience wears thin. the things I though were permanent are dissolving before my eyes, at the same time whats important shows up more than ever. How can one be disconcerted and satisfied at the same time?

just keep breathing.

(If I have to gnaw my legs off to remove these red shoes then so be it. I am sick of this self-perpetuated dance.) (smash it all, break to pieces, start again. make my own shoes.)

Instructions for use.

(1) Recognise pattern.
(2) Break out of pattern.
(3) Find new pattern.

Lather, Rinse, Repeat.

today, I have stumbled across a job advert for ‘psychology assistant’ in the local NHS, working for the “Clincal Neuropsychology Servce”. This deals with adults with acquired brain injury, and involves “adminstation of neuropsychological screening tool through to database management and audit reports.” They want a psychology graduate with 2:1, ‘some experience’, IT skills and looking to train in Clinical Psychology. 37.5 hours a week, local, £13->£15k.

bad points:
* I don’t have professional psychology accredation. (but then, it doesn’t say this is needed..will make enquiries)
* I don’t have ‘some experience’ (who does as a graduate?)
* I only did one beginners course of ‘clinical psychology’

good points:
* Cognitive science graduates RULE for jobs like this. Unlike 80% of psych. graduates, we aren’t afraid of computers.
* The psychology I DID do was a lot more hard-core neuroscience than psych. students.
* by some twist of fate, on of my main modules last year was on brain damaged people, specifically language impairments. I’ve done enough to know what all that scanning stuff is about, even if I’ve not done scanning.
* IBM work == IT SKILLZ. especially with databases and even understanding of auditing.

as to looking to train in Clinical Psychology? Close enough.
(will keep my philosophical opinions to myself…will keep my philosophical opinions to myself..will keep..)

Wish me luck, because I’m going for this one. It looks more likely than the job on the previous page “Full time Funeral Co-ordinator”. (which I did actually ring as a possible. No, seriously!)

Megadog, how much would it cost for a general low-grade extermination of local psychology grads? competition elimination = good.

glee! (and the nature of allure)

I think I’ve just had a glimpse of what I must look like to guys like Kay, Rob, or indeed anyone who is taller than my petite 5foot2. By the coffee machine today, I encountered a lesser-spotted chinese lady (very shy). She must have been just 4 foot something, at least half a head shorter than me. But not just shorter, smaller in all dimensions. She was just -small-! And wearing neat black shiny shoes, and a dress-suit made from the red-silk of kimonos and chinese dresses.

I wanted to pick her up and hug her and take her home. Not like -that-. (well..maybe) . But she just made me go all ‘squee’ inside.

And also, for one of those rare moments, feel TALL. (and horribly caucasian and clumsy too)

In a way, its annoying to reflect on the fact I could appear small and cute like that to other people. A fair part of whats inside reckons I should be tall, strong, sensuous and alluring. Preferably dark, straighter hair. I can’t help but feel that having crazy wavy hair and being small kinda puts a dampner on the alluring/sensuous business..in fact, it may even make it comical.

On the other hand, I still think that it’s more in the way you move and whats in your eyes. And very possibly pheremones too. (great, now I’m looking round the department, trying to imagine each person being sensuous and alluring…)

What do you think makes the difference between just ‘cute’ and actually alluring? (I like that word, it’s onomatopeic)

Edit: It’s just occured to me that voices and tones can be exceptionally alluring. Sometimes it doesn’t even matter what they’re saying. hhmm.


hey, well my computer at home is now up and running on the net (though Zak seems to have broken the space bar…either that or i need a new keyboard. i have to hit it really hard)

i have totally forgotten all messaging names and details, so i’ve started again. I’ve not set myself up on msn yet, but my new aol/icq details have been added to my profile.

apologies for any inconvience… *grin*


“I miss you. Looking at you last night made me remember why I like you. You do remind me of an animal at times, your eyes shine, like them.
Your deifnatly not trapped.” -Chris

– like crystal drops of water, I am accumulating all my worth together. A reassuarance of where and who I am, and the strength which I believe I hold inside. With this grows a fire, an indignation of what I’ve let happen, a desire to provide myself with better. Unexpected kind words, observations like the above, all these help nourish me and add to the conviction growing inside:

I am not alone, and I am not weak.

To see where you are suffocating is only the first step; to take on board responsibility for the situation is harder, but is the only way to change it whilst keeping your pride.

The box that holds me has been erected by my own apathy, lack of confidence, meagre child-graspings for parental consent. And just as I have created this, I can take it down.

One step at a time.

Thank you to all my friends, all of you, your comments and wisdom and humour continue to inspire me.

Message for Lunariia

(not having your mobile is awkward – especially when it has all your phone numbers on it! Once I get it back I’m going to make a hardcopy version..)

Lizzie, if you’re reading this, can you give me a call sometime? I just wanted to ask if it’s ok for Zak to come to Birmingham too. I also wanted to find out how much space you have for sleeping, or if I need to find somewhere else to stay.

Anyone else, if you have her contact numbers, could you send me an email?


IBM Secret Santa

I’ve opted to take part in Payroll’s Secret Santa this year. Of all my luck, the name I just picked out the bag belongs to the lady sitting next to me, one of the few people I know because I worked for her a while. She has also given me lifts into work several times. So this is good, in a way, but the first thing the girl who’s organising this said when I picked the name out was “oh no..rather you than me!”
“why do you say that?”
“well, it’s got to be the nicest hasn’t it!”

I’m not sure what to make of that!
OH CRAP. I thought it was julie -freegard- as in the lady sitting next to me, but I’ve just realised it’s the OTHER Julie. As in, the MANAGER OF PAYROLL Julie.


Well, I was hoping you could help me out with some suggestions – the only rule is “it has to be something edible.” I would like to get something as inexpensive as I can get away with, and preferably something really unusual and odd. Any suggestions? I know you guys have some really good ideas!

I did think about buying one of those growing kits for strawberries or something. Or maybe some dog food (that would go down really badly, maybe even bad enough to get me fired…?)

I do still have some rather broken and crushed up cinnamon tic-tacs that null-mouse gave me…those are kind of christmasy(..?)


I suppose I should be serious. Julie is pretty nice. And hopefully has a good sense of humour…

Classical Music

A friend once said to me “I love all kinds of music…but at the end of the day you have to admitt that classical music is actually the best”.

A strange comment maybe, but right now I’m listening to a classical music CD, in particular “Delibes: duet from Lakme” (if that means anything to you).

And it just strikes me – this sound, this music, which lifts my soul out of this place, has been composed by a single person. And those violin strings, are played by skilled musicians -people- who have taken years of practice time. Not to mention the two ladies singing, the harmony between them ..and the whole thing together… wow. Just so much *life*, and skill went into what I’m listening to right now. Not to mention the timelessness of these pieces, they were written by someone who must be dead by a hundred years at least (my musical history is appalling) but this creation echoes on to -now- in an IBM office, typing into a box.

I do love so many types of music. I love earthy rhythmns, sensuous salsa beats, cheesey 80’s anthems you can sing to, dark and moody guitar rock, energetic ska punk, angry, happy, uplifting. And of course, talent has gone into all those. There’s something distinct about classical music though, I’m not sure what it is.. something ‘clearer’ about it(?)

All I know is some music, in particular classical pieces it seem, just makes everything still for a moment inside. It hits a level beneath the words. Of course, I get the same effect from listening to wolves howling <:)

I don’t say this much, but : WTF?

“Because our own species so completely dominates the environment, it has essentially become an ecosystem unto itself. So it’s not surprising that this same process works on humans, since the attributes that provide equilibrium in the animal world — aggression, passivity, stealth, skittishness and so on — also provide stability in our society. This is why we each exhibit a set of characteristics that corresponds to a particular animal species. Animal Attraction explores the relationships between each of the individual species and details the mating strategies for each animal…

well, it’s a theory I suppose…! Quite interesting if a little too defined. ^_^ (link includes a ‘what animal are you inside’ test for all those test-junkies. 🙂 It’s an exceedingly poor test though[1]. Apparently I’m an Otter OR a shrew BUT – “YOU CAN’T BE BOTH!” which reminds me terribly of some of the dogma-whores on therianthropy lists. :>

Something interesting about ‘otters’ though which I thought I should warn Zak about:”There is no question that the otter is going to have children. Lots of them. And this otherwise carefree individual will surprise you with its strict and disciplined approach to child raising. ”

[1] in that while the results are quite interesting, and maybe even accurate, I don’t see how that few questions and options are enough to typefy (is that a word?) yourself.