Further Misadventures of Cat and her mother

People often say “there’s only so much I can take before I crack”, but for me, there is a stage before this. A stage where I’ve laid down and waited, put up with and generally worn my emotions down – and rather than crack, there is a spark of fire which lights up inside me and gives me the strength and willpower to kick, bite, claw my way out – often a last desperate attempt to push myself to some place of healing before I -do- collapse.

Usually a few glasses of alcohol is enough to tip the balance between ‘sane’ Cat and reckless Cat. Last time was a few years back in my london commute of soul destroying…an impulse gin and tonic in waterloo and before I knew it I was on my way to Devon rather than returning ‘home’. I’d just had enough.

Last night, the same again. This time, I’d just had -enough- of pointless family stress over intangible nonsense. I was all ready to get up in the wee hours of the morning, and head off to Exeter. phuzzi had offered me a good chance of a place to stay in Bodmin (as well as some seriously appreciated ICQ councilling 😉 ) – I wanted nothing more than to see the sea, get outdoors, and get -away-. Just dissapear for a few days until it had all passed. Even better, the oppurtunity to see a good friend, and maybe stay with Zak to boot.

I know we all think this. But I had my bag packed and I was ready to go. What stopped me this time?

This morning, as the first moments of dawn were bringing some light to the sky, my mother found me brushing my teeth. I’d told her the night before we should both just get out of it, and I was seriously just going to head off to cornwall the next morning.

But, I just couldn’t leave her. She was in just as much of a confused, constrained and generally fed up mess as I was. Taking her into my room we wrapped up my quilt and talked about a bit. She thought I should go. But…when we realised she’d get the blame from the rest of my family (including the infamous Mother-in-Law) I couldn’t do it.

Then it hit us. We caught each other’s eyes and grinned like children. “let’s both go! Now! We can grab some breakfast out in the southampton shopping centre, and then onwards to the New Forest! hee hee!”

And so we did. We let my sleepy father know roughly what was happening so there were no sour feelings. And it has to have been the best solution – the problem was that we all needed some space from each other, and to be honest removing my mother from the picture does solve a lot of stress for the rest of the family.

We had a great day! Shopping, lunch, running about the forest singing, and ‘afternoon tea’ in a wonderfully expensive hotel in which I felt like a Jane Austin character.. the old house was amazing, I had visions of taking it over and turning into a commune 🙂

The moral: I took action, even though it didn’t go quite how I planned. It’s the balance between making a plan, and being ready to adapt to the moment. And to be honest, I think I took a more mature option than just running away. Intersting to note, if I hadn’t made the perhaps immature decision to run to cornwall then I wouldn’t have been awake early enough to foster a great day with my mother. Listen to your emotional needs when they cry out for action, but don’t let them overwhlem your reasonable considerations and thinking of others.

What they don’t know is that there is NO WAY I am spending tomorrow on an obligatory family visit no-one enjoys. I am not wasting another day like that. And, I need some time without family and preferably with friends.

oh… I had an ok christmas thanks. I got three scarves and a new, quiet, power supply from my computer. I’m not sure what that says? 😀

Baha’i ?

Just stumbled across this religion called baha’i.

I quite like what they say so far, take on god, all religions being linked, and in particular their notion of “good and evil”. Though I don’t like all the ‘praise be praise be’ stuff, too much like the whole domination-subservience business.

Whats the catch? Who’s heard of this bunch?

Certainly something to investigate further. I’m missing having people around to talk about this side of things. And the other group I’m looking into talks about spaceships and martians so I’m getting a bit wary.. 😀

Quick Question for maths people

ok, so I’m using a binary heads/tails method to generate a random number between 1 and 100. I throw a coin, or pick up one of two kinds of bead, 7 times. Each time making a 1 or 0. So 1100100 = 100. Anything over 100 gets discounted and I do the whole thing again.

Is this feasible? I want each number to have the same probability of being chosen. I only ask because I got exactly the same number twice in a row (well, for the two times I’ve done a ‘reading’ lately on my situation right now) which makes me a bit suspicious.

Happy happy joy

I feel so much better now. I went outside. This ALWAYS helps.

I went outside with some bread, and I was busy chucking it in the lake at some confused looking coots, when I glanced right and saw a crow. Actually, this is a particular crow who I love. He has a dodgy right leg and tends to limp about in an ungainly manner, quite uncharacteristic for a corvid.

I threw him a few pieces of bread and then backed off, to my glee he picked them up and started eating. I continued this a few times, and very quickly he started picking up all the pieces of bread in one go and putting them in a heap. I also noticed that he carried them down to the water and seemed to be dipping them in, or at least drinking water at the same time. Damn those birds are smart!

I also tried some pieces of apple, which didn’t go down to well. A magpie turned up but wasn’t too impressed. I left the apple core for some rabbits, and my thanks for the crows and life outside which continues to provide me with inspiration when I need it the most.

I’ve been struggling to sort out me taking time off next week. I’ve worked my arse off (fer a change) to get enough done to justify this. But I need to get management approval..

As I went back inside I thought “I bet I’ll meet my manager wandering about the corridors, that would be useful.” and then I did(!) It was similar to the time I thought about meeting Helen in Oxford, went round a corner and stumbled across her.

Well, I’ve got it sorted out now. 2 weeks of Unpaid Leave and I’ll be back here Jan. 5th. Oh yes. Time to have fun, relax, get myself together, or at the very least sleep a while.

*sigh* feeling much much better now.

And with regards to inner development, I suspect the obstruction is something to do with being scared of what’s actually inside. Women aren’t all sweetness and light.

Looking forward to a weekend with Zak, in Bristol. Lets hope he can cope with the PMT..;)


I’m perfectly happy with life
My lips ‘mind me these real words
But they feel like they are wide and ajar
I’m a doll stuffed with life, just sitting upon a shelf here
Hailing a taxi, get me out of this freak show…

ARGH! I hate words, and the tangled webs they construct,
and the way they bind and warp my world. I hate the way I can talk incessent nonsense and get excited by it. Most of all I hate being left alone to my own words.

..Perfectly happy with life
My lips cry happy words
And it feels like they’re blue tacked in the soul
Like someone’s blowin’ dust, coverin’ up the rust
Keeping me dazed as the lines take their toll..

I reason myself into a prison. But – at least its STABLE prison. FUCK! How insiduous. I feel so blind and naive. The enemy is in real and it’s IN HERE. ARGH!!!! I get picked up and thrown round and vomited out in a mess of words. I’m doing it again! I could carry on and on and on doing this, eating my own tail – all the time believing I’m going somewhere that’s not in circles.

“Oh my love
For all these mad illusions
oh my love
For being sane but with mad intentions”

Everything I say is a lie. Sometimes I say something that comes from a calmer place, but no-one can spot that in the cloud of ignorance. If I’m watching then *I* can feel the difference, and I know that, for a brief second, I am true..

..Perfectly happy with life
I just fall over words
Like I’m bare feet in a pair of high heels
All I really want, for my tired feet is to walk
Or to fly me to somewhere that is real..

*pantpant*. Sometimes I just need to be insane for a minute. Moving on..

The last episode of Buffy was good.

The trick in this fight is realising that sometimes the enemy is not a thing you can see but a block that is confining and restricting you from seeing. And that sometimes the way to fight is not in yelling or biting or stuggling, but being patient, and subtle.

I am not good at patience or subtley. Maybe it’s time to learn. Trying to impose ideas at the moment is like running into a wall.

Oh, for just over the rainbow
Cos I’m just trying to get home
Oh, everything’s crowded in my face
Even when I sit here alone

– Lyrics from “Perfectly Happy” – Alisha’s Attic

Re-assesing views on religion (or, an Anti-Rant ;-)

What do you make of this hypothesis (slightly lighthearted):

Loosely, there are three broad states of/for people:

  1. Those who (don’t want/don’t need/are too busy to think on) an Answer
  2. Those who think they already have the Answer
  3. Those who are on a continuous journey to find Answers, question Answers, change and develop themselves and their thoughts (and maybe the world! 😉 )

(It is important to note that any one person can move through different states in the course of their lives..or even in the course a week!)

I personally aspire to be in category 3, but more often than not find myself in the others :). I think it is the same for most of the people I know and friends I have.

Though we all know dogmatic people who are convinced they have -the- right Answer, whether its religion, science, politics or alien abductions. They tend to be a lot louder and more vocal than ones in state(1). (who are either too busy actually staying alive, or just vegetating in front of TV shopping channels..;) )[1] I think this shouting is related to the fact that naturally things will change and develop, including Answers, so clinging on to one idea and trying to keep it steady is actually very difficult. Luckily, all you need is a small group of people to *agree* with you and you have a mutually reassuring cycle…

I think there is a common misconception that ALL scientists, by the nature of their endeavour are in state(3), wheras ALL religious people are in state(2).

Science should be about questioning and testing and developing new ideas, in the same way Religion should be about providing a support network and starting point for encouraging people to do the same with their own lives and ‘spiritual nature’. The good news is that sometimes, and perhaps more often than you might think, this is exactly what happens.

It comes down to the individuals. (and which ‘state’ they are in).
True, at one point in our culture, Christianity was as much of a ‘given truth’ as the notion the Earth was flat. But it’s not like that now. People don’t -have- to be part of it, and they can leave if they don’t like it. In this day and age, I reckon Christianity (certainly in the UK) should be seen as much of a valid ‘spiritual path’ as buddhism, past-life regression, reiki-healings, or whatever else the questing individual might find useful. It’s certainly got a whole load to offer, more than people might think.

Just because one person is trying to save your soul from satan on the street corner, I don’t think it’s fair to apply the same brush to everyone in that faith. People will be people regardless of where they are : I’ve seen the same dogmatic yelling in the health service, psychology, ‘therianthropy communities’, science, those who tell you god is everything, and those who tell you reality is nothing. The common thread is all these people think, at that point in their lives, that they have THE right Answer.

When no-one is forcing you into the institution, the problem is with people.

To reduce this whole ramble down to a sentence:
You are either searching, or not: and it’s just as feasible to be searching from within an ‘organised’ religion as it is anywhere else. Just don’t be lazy!

This whole thing has been inspired by Josie’s insightful comment. She, and my friend Rachel, are two of the only ‘real’ Christians I know. I’d recommend that you check it out, it’s broken some of my misconceptions and ‘stage(2)’ opinions on organised religion. 🙂

[1] It’s occured to me that I should point out that I’m not trying to say any particular ‘state’ is better than others, though any exagerration of any in isolation is not good. In fact, I’m beginning to think you need to move through a combination of all of them individually; and also you need a mixture of individuals with different ‘dominant states’ in a society for that to work. After all, I’m relying on a huge network of practical people just to allow me to sit here and muse over all these questions! 🙂

Wow, it’s **so easy** to make up psychology theory! I reckon I could get a whole book out of this..*laughs*..hmmm….I need a better word than ‘state’ though. Maybe ‘Synergising you Personality Paradigms’ would be a good working title….

Names and Symbols and Divination

I found this section of a book I’m reading very interesting. So interesting I thought I type it out and share it… I know not many of you are curious on divination, but I do know a lot of you are interested on language, words, and symbols. I’m giving you enough credit to not take the spiritualist language literally (unless you want to 😉 *g* )

– taken from “The Kuan Yin oracle – Stephen Karcher”

“‘What’s in a name?’ Juliet asked. ‘A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.’ She was profoundly wrong, as her tragic destiny shows all to clearly, for it was her name that finally killed both her and the man she loved. Both were trapped by the prison of their names…
Continue reading Names and Symbols and Divination

Pantheism Rules!

Right, so take one god yeah? Now try to squash into that *one concept* all the facets and complexes of the universe and humanity…and what do you end up with? Either something incredibly paradoxical and schizophrenic, or something rather bland ‘coz you’ve taken out all the good bits.

Gods are supposed to be personal, surely, something to relate to help us undestand? So whats wrong with pantheism anyway?

I think it’s fun. <:D I've also noticed that the classic image of mr devil is so blatantly a rip off Pan, but demonised. I can't help but wonder that this whole business of 'there is one god, and he's much better than /those/ gods, and infact that god is so contradictory to what we think that we're going to make him evil' is perhaps where it all started going wrong... "Long live the Great God Pan!”<:D *LOL*