in which Cat goes to a pole dancing club…

the thing is, that you might as well be watching a video

You know, that thing women can do. that -look-. Intensity and sensuosity and life and energy and darkness and fire and ice and passion. Men can’t seem to do it, or at least i’ts different in some way. I can *feel* it when i do that look, and i can see the effect it has. I think it is a raw connection of some sort. You don’t get that in the clubs because they don’t look at you, it’s like watching something behind glass. Maybe in the personal dances, but even then… I don’t know. I think to show that intensity, to do ‘that look’, you have to also be open to the other person, in some way let them ‘in’. I don’t think you can do that in a ‘professional environment’

The women dancing are really nice to look at, I admire how they move and bend. I realised that small breasts really really don’t matter, because a woman is a whole thing, with movement and curves. but it is like seeing something behind glass, or on tv as I said. I enjoy it but in an aesthetic more than sexual sense…

interesting comment: chris and I talked to one of the ladies for a while. They are not allowed to go out with anyone in the audience. their boyfriend is not allowed to come in and watch. because, if they were seen to be kissing and being ‘attached’ to someone, then it shatters the illusion that all the guys in the audience let themselves believe, that they ‘have a chance’. So, it is a game that everyone plays. Pretend that these women could be for you even though they are not, except in a limited, distant way.

from what chris said afterwards I gather it can be extremely annoying if you don’t actually have a girlfriend. ‘so near but so far’ sorta thing.

I did not like the older women who had all developed ‘hard faces’. I suspect this comes from being withdrawn in and almost the opposite of the sexy eyes stuff. They are just dancing bodies and music. I did like the total acceptance and lack of self-consciousness of bodies though. (though if I had a body like that…)

having said that, I did like it. It seems timeless somehow, that this kind of thing has been going on for centuries. There is a certain amount of power in it somewhere, and the power is held by the women no matter what feminists might say. What I really want to see is naked women dancing round a fire with that real passion and life to it.

Overall – fun. But watching Tori Amos orgasm as she plays her piano is much more erotic in my opinion.

Worrying is addictive (on a quest for health)

I worry far too much. I catch myself doing it and wonder why. Lately I’m actively trying to reduce my worrying in the same way I’m trying to reduce caffeine and increase the stuff I should be eating[1].

Turns out I was right. One method of coping with the screwed up blood sugar levels which have become a plague of modern day life, other than drinking copious tea and coffee in the morning to ‘wake up’ is to worry. Lying in bed worrying about everything will actively increase your adrenalin levels, so after 10 min or so you’re geared up with enough energy to do something. Score one for mind-body connections. Hardly healthy though!

Also: Sugar IS evil. It rots your brain as much as your teeth. What have we done to ourselves? 🙂

I didn’t want to post anything else today, especially while I’m still thinking about art and all, but this strikes me as worthy of mention.
[1] important finding no.1 : there is no such thing as a healthy diet. You’ve got to match it up to your own biochemistry. Metabolic Typing is the name of the game. This isn’t fad or tomfoolery it’s thoroughbred science; though just to be sure I’m investigating this nutrition business from at least 3 different angles. Pharmacology. Mental health. Genetics and biochemistry. “Attack on all fronts” 🙂

I am currently working out my own type through a combination of books, observation and experimentation. So far so good.

Livejournal as Art?

Art is one of the most important things people can do, in my opinion.
This has been a recurring theme and consideration in my life and my journal. But when derek told me emphatically that he considered Livejournal itself as art, I just couldn’t or didn’t want to see it.

Got me thinking though. About to rush off to work so can’t burble right now, but I have typed up a great poem and some interesting if slightly contentious text I found in a huge book I own. (found it in a charity shop, bought it on the basis of reference material for artwork, lots of tribal people and costumes. Turns out the text is pretty good as well)

Have a read and let me know what you think…got to run

are you interested in art and life and the connection between the two?

Thought of the day? (notebook scribble)

a problem I’ve noticed with trying to be honest with people is, that what I believe to be true (about myself and/or the situation)changes (evolves?) by the day. It’s thoroughly confusing for all concerned! At least if you Live a Lie you can be consistant 😉 (“and Die a Liar, pants on fire…”)

I will no longer espouse my honest nature as a virtue till I’ve figured out how to use it properly. (she says)

another angle is – perhaps the real problem is that it takes a long time till you are actually honest with yourself. It’s a harsh fact that I seem to be very proficient at convincing myself of all manner of lies and spurious nonsense.

!cut the crap cat!

the saving grace of all this is sometimes you have to give other people the lies and nonsense words to get to the honesty. (oh how she seeks validation!)

ironically, a simple mind seems to handle complexity much better than a complex one. (which in my case has problems grasping the simple stuff) . ^_^ Duh.

no more caffeine for me today. 🙂

extract of honesty

and she said to him:
“…yeh it seemed a bit abrupt. It was. Yesterday my head was screwed and everything seemed hazy and incoherant. Yesterday I realised that underneath all the complicated theorising and analysing and pretentious nonsense is a small girl who is fucking *terrified* about growing older, commiting to a decision, facing up to reality, to her flaws and to her potentials. But, it’s time to help that little girl grow up, and this is something I need to do, and am doing. I have to stop relying on finding my solace in other peoples arms.” – Cat

I lost it for a while, but now it’s time to reclaim *my* life.

sometimes it feels like it’s not the world I need to prove things to- it’s myself.


bones are really cool. Shame photos don’t really give you the 3d view.

It looks like an owl i reckon.

The thing with nature is, you can explain to me how you get something like that, what’s it built from, how the genetics work, how it grows, you can explain it away as much as you like – but all that you’ll do is just make me more enthralled.


Story of Sedna (submerged)

Sedna (“the one down there”) was once a beautiful Eskimo woman who lived with her father. None of the local suitors appealed to her, and she refused to marry until a fulmar (a type of bird) from across the sea promised to take her to his home of luxury. When she found out she had been deceived and was ill-treated, she begged her father to take her home. As the two were crossing the water, a flock of fulmars caused a huge storm to arise. To save his own life, Sedna’s father threw her into the ocean. As she clung to the boat, he chopped off her fingers, which turned into whales, seals, and all the other mammals of the sea. Sedna descended to Adlivum, the Eskimo underworld, where she now rules the dead. To ensure that she will continue to send food to hunters, shamans descend to visit her, comb her hair, and massage her mutilated hands. Sedna is a reminder of the nourishing gifts that are to be found deep in the dark, cold places that we most fear.”
longer and slightly different version of the story (with added ravens 😉 )

That story makes me want to draw a thousand pictures. I pulled Sedna out of my deck of goddess art cards twice in a row. I’ve found a lot of exciting things, and scary things, and realised just how many lies I was believing in and how many truths I couldn’t see since I’ve been down here. However, its not time to come back up yet, despite my excitement and desire to get on and act. There’s something else… not sure what yet.

Just got to be still and patient for a bit. 🙂 In the meantime there is a lot I need to do…..

London in the Sunshine, osteopaths (an entry about real life for a change!)

My typical image of London is a grey city: dusty, rainy, smelly underground commutes, homeless people, and not enough green. However in the right mood and the right time and the right place I also find it an exciting and vibrant city – sometimes I am in the mood for people I suppose.

A particular favourite place for me is Covent Garden, the theatre district. I found myself there friday night with my mother, outside for no particular reason but to get some fresh air and do some people watching. There was a wonderfully festive atmosphere to the place: this may have something to do with St Georges Day but more likely it was the summer-warm weather. With friends chatting away over glasses of wine, lovers sharing icecream, people sitting on the pavement with cans of beer listening to live music…. it felt more like I was on holiday in some southern european country than the rainy-gloom city. I’ll say this now, one thing i particulalrly love is those African dudes on their drums, the basic jungle rhythmn mixed with throngs of people and life moving round the streets.

We stood for a while where the guy in the white shirt is standing on the left and I watched the dynamics unfolding below me. Couples, friends, two guys wrapped in england flags singing on the table.. watching from above you get this strange perspective that feels oddly secretive and voyueristic. I am always struck by how much life is squashed into such small pockets – that little bar area was crammed to the brim. People watching :).

Random dream for the future: go out to theatre with a group of friends, have an evening of being ‘cultured’ and drinking wine round velvet covered candle lit on street cafe tables, and talking about art. I definitely want to go there with Mark-in-japan and Hikari when they return to the UK in a few years time.

The reason I was in London at all was to help my mother do a presentation on “Orthodontics – osteopathic consdierations” at The Osteopathic Centre of children. All part of Cat’s ongoing adventures 🙂 I stayed Friday night with my mother in The Royal College of Surgeons, right in the centre of london. This is where she did her Masters I discovered! The nice thing was that it faced onto a reasonable square of green garden. Early Saturday morning, which was bright and crisp, I watched people out running round it, someone taking photos of the cherry blossoms, and a young couple practicing kickboxing. As you might have guessed, I’ve been feeling rather positive about people lately.

The Osteopathic Center is a lovely place, small but full of light, balloons and colour. While obviously still in it’s early stages, there is a sense of excitement and progress here. Along with this relaxing calm feel I’ve always felt in all the osteopathic places I’ve been too, so different from the bustling sterility of local health centres. My mother was presenting to a small group of osteopaths and cranial osteopaths that are training to learn about treating children. It was part of a day of lectures and workshops, I sat in on a few and found them deeply fascinating.

A note on osteopaths: You know those people, who look so vibrant and healthy that you’re not -really- sure how old they actually are? Well, from what I’ve seen so far, osteopaths are like that. All of them. They also tend to be good natured, relaxed about dress codes and generally able to have a laugh. I look in on their world, picking up pieces here and there, feeling outside all of it. I can not be there till a good 5 years worth of training and a lot of practical exprience.

But you know what – that’s ok. Because, while I am still unattached to any particular discipline, I am enjoying the freedom to travel widely and flippantly, almost as though I’m sketching up a large map of the area. This is important because there is so much information in any one area once you’re comitted to it you just don’t have time to read much outside that area.

Of course there is a balance. You can’t earn money from reading books; and certainly I long for the practical skill and understanding (not to mention a money earning potential!!!) of being an osteopath. Listening to them saturday, my mouth was almost on the floor as it dawned on me what they were really saying. The stuff these people can *feel*!! They comment on the feeling of bone marrow, or voltages across the heart, or the intimate connection they build with severely premature babies. These people are engaging with LIFE and doing it with so much more than just an academic mind.

You may not see this, but i have long term plan forming in here. The Real Life experiences I’m working on now (hello Josie and Japan), which include a few more “adventure” trips lined up in the near future, are not a distraction or procrastination from my main aims – rather I feel they are giving me some real foundations. Plus: they are fun.

I really want to share what I’ve been learning about nutrition. Never have I been so excited: simply the sheer potential to engineer your body, life and mind. It’s not all doom and gloom 🙂 Watch this space