Neurotic circuitry and baby geese

It’s so hard to get a look at your self, I wonder that the only way you can do it is to use the people around you as mirrors. Or meditate. Or something.

The image I have is off taking the lid off and finding a huge shifting, growing, groaning mess of wires and circuitry. And I KNOW that some of it is doing nothing but going round in circles on itself, taking up valuable space and resources. And I’m getting a feel for which bits, and what they are doing to me, and how they link together; however when it come down to it I’m left holding the wire-cutters, too confused and afraid to actually bring them together on the green wire incase I was supposed to cut the yellow.

Of course the next question is – why waste my time? I’m getting over-serious again in my keeness to fix the unfixable, and before I know it I’m at sledgehammer-cracking-nut time.

stop worrying about it and let it sort itself out in its own time. Trying to take control too much. We want more enlightenment, harder, faster, now! :>

I’m getting healthier, and as soon as work is done i have visions of everyday exercise and better eating. There is a lot of stuff I need to do that has more immediate consequences that healing bits of my past, like buying travel insurance and contacting fuji eco park. My life is getting really good, and it’s almost as though I guiltily feel that improvements in life situation mean I’ve got to up the mental-anguishing rate just to keep my misery quotionant high enough.


It’s funny to think that having all this time to just sit and worry and overanalise things is a luxury for rich lives. I could be starving.

I went outside at lunchtime and looked at the baby geese, now at teenager stage. They have the most incredible gangly black legs. I felt the sun and a cool breeze, and observed a swan gliding amongst reeds. Found a butterfly (don’t worry, I’m not starting -that- obsession again!). In the distant I think I spotted “Rohan-the-wildlife-guy” taking some school kids round to show them some nature. Only 2 days left here, I’m going to miss the outdoors aspect. And the air-conditioning, to be perfectly honest.


Spiderwebs and Ray Charles and Omega-3

Spent most of last night compiling a CD, of female vocalists; its both a present for the osteopathy dude I’m visiting, and also an expression of the last year of my life, and also to be sent to a few others across the wires and some friends. The last track i put into it was “Spiderwebs” by Joan Osborne, which became the name of the CD as well. The lyrics of that track are all about a guy called Ray Charles getting his eyesight back; having no idea who he is I decided to do some googling this morning.

I’m doing a test-run of the cd at work this morning, the flow of it is roughly death–>rebirth–>life, so far its going well.

Meanwhile, the super cod-liver oil supplement(available to all in the uk, highly recommended! That link will take you to a pdf file I made about it) actually seems to be oiling out my mind, a lot of things are becoming looser, which can only be a good thing.

I still have issues around the concept of “wrong”, what it is, and if it even exists at all, but I’m getting there.

so who is this Ray charles guy?

“Make-Believe for Adults” (a rather unrefined poem by me)

It’s lonely here, there’s not much to do
So let’s play a game of make-believe – yes!
just me and you.

let’s pretend……
I can be the lover, the one you wish you had,
while you replace the love I have but miss.
We can go out, drink and flirt together
and sometimes maybe kiss.

But remember: it’s all a game, it’s just for fun.
Make-Believe for Adults.

Like all good games, we know it’s fake
but Suspend our Disbelief –
Let me play a thousand masks
your Desire, your Lust, your Grief.
(there’s nowhere to go but frustration)

You comfort my racing, worried mind
with your compliments and embrace.
I act your whore – seduct, sublime
just for fleeting glimpse of passion in your face
______when you smile (at me)
__________and you breathe in (my nails on your skin)
_________________and you sigh (deeply catch your eye)
(those moments I feel needed)

But remember – it’s all a game, it’s just a joke.
Make-Believe for Adults.

pretended far too hard.
And went somewhere where imagination alone is too weak
to sustain
and so
minds and bodies naked, no passion here but rather –
a tenseness that comes from Living Lies…
The school bell rung, break-time over
Imagined fairies, sweet vistas; all fade to dust.
A void where sweet love should be.
It’s bleakness drags me down.

But it’s OK!!! For it’s all a game, just for fun,
(and no-one need be hurt)
Make-Believe for Adults.

And still we try, and play the game
Two people on a ‘date’.
Yet now it’s clear, we can’t conceal,
what these actions really feel
make you want what you cannot have
while what I have I forsake
—————-with each kiss not meant for you
———————I close my eyes and imagine another’s face

Coz, it’s just a game, it’s all pretend
(we continue to play these lies)
Make-Believe for Adults.

Your touch is sweet, and sometimes Real,
but very rarely do I do the same.
In truth: that desire you see in my eyes?
Is an Echo of a Memory of the Love I feel
for that distant other.

A lesson, obvious as a child, how could I forget?
imagined cake has no flavour,
empty plastic medicine does not take the pain away,
and neither does pretend-love taste, or feel, or

Because remember! It’s all a game, it’s just pretend.
Make-Believe for Adults.

“It is the coward who abandons himself or herself first, and from that place of cowardice, all other betrayals come easy” – Cormac McCarthy.


Played the game with Jon again last night, a wonderful bar in southampton with huge fish tanks. Very dark inside (not a good start) I finally got to play Go with him, lit with candles; it was a fumbled messy game, lots of tight encircling and stupid mistakes. And…I’m tired now of pretend-games. It just exhausts me really (and him too). My overriding feeling is off pointlessness and boredom. This could have something to do with being on my period, when I feel the most real out of the whole month – It’s much harder to make my soul swallow shit in other words. I went home and realised how much I miss Zak, and his passion and the realness we have. No answer on the phone, he called me back at 1 am and I have never been so pleased to hear his voice.

Other news this weekend, I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind, far too close for comfort. It made me cry. Afterwards I watched fish swimming about in the southampton harbour and Jon commented something about me being too critical and worried about everything I do. That, and the film, and the fish, was enough to set off tears that I should have cried when I was a child. I won’t go into details, it’s stupid things about wanting more attention from your mother, but the point is I didn’t cry them when I should have but now they’re gone. At least partly. Emotional releasing is what I SHOULD be doing right now, not faffing about in make-believe lands.

For Quote lovers

“Great lines from Great books”:Does exactly what it says on the tin

“Just because you have a mind like a hammer doesn’t mean you should treat everyone else like a nail” – Terry Pratchett, Only You Can Save Mankind

“History is the fiction we invent to persuade ourselves that events are knowable and that life has order and direction. That’s why events are always reinterpreted when values change. We need new versions of history to allow for our current prejudices. – Calvin and Hobbes ”

Her imagination was by habit ridiculously active when the door was not open, it jumped out of the window. – Henry James, Portrait of a Lady.

“I don’t need parents. All I need is a recording that says, ‘Go play outside!’ – Calvin and Hobbes

Some pirates achieved immortality by great deeds of cruelty or derring-do. Some achieved immortality by amassing great wealth. But the captain had long ago decided that he would, on the whole, prefer to achieve immortality by not dying. – Terry Pratchett, The Color Of Magic

I particularly like:
The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars.

– Jack Kerouac, On the Road

“Feeling as the Human Response to Reality”

The Tai chi form consists of a sequence of moves, but it also consists of more than that. There is the flow that happens in the space between the moves, that connects them together. Very occasionally I felt a bit of that in my limited practice.

They say that a tai chi master can tell how good your form will be from the very first move you make. Sometimes, you get a day like that – when you know from the moment you wake up, that today will be a good day.

Today, was like that. I felt, that everything I did was moving with the current, “the Tao”, “in the zone” whatever you want to call it….those rare days that you are working with the world and it is working with you.

One thing led to another, and I found myself in Chris’s ninjitsu class at exactly the right time to watch his teacher Andy demonstrate Kinesiology. Think, chinese energy meridian ideas combined with anatomy and a very western approach of ‘test this bit, do this, test it again and see if its better, repeat’. I have read about this kind of ‘muscle testing’ in a book I have called “energy medicine” and blow me but the damn thing works!!! What this means to me is that there is definitely *something* to the ‘meridian’ idea. I had kinda hoped this would be the case, and in fact I’ve wanted to see this done for a very long time, but as it turns out I didn’t need to see it done till this point.So, food for thought there! Andy is a great guy incidently, thoroughly down to earth, full of humour-humility, good intent and very very alive. I hope to talk to him again some time.

I have to say the whole day was full of summer, and this lifted the mood of the whole area. Chris and I caught a live band in the local park, along with a huge pile of hippy-esq-folk that were “shiny happy people having fun” if ever I saw them. They were raising money for a local community arts centre. One guy told me about working with an organisation called sun seed, another volunteer agency about reforestation projects and growing things in arid places. They also had a small table of books, for £1 I got a book on Osteopathy(!!), Anatomy for Nurses, and one called “Body as Spirit”(1979) which I have that feeling I need to pass on to someone else but I’m not sure who yet.

I’m going to type a bit out for general persual. Its quite a nice summary of some of my thinking of the last..2 years..?

It starts with

For Florence,
Who understood
the meaning of feeling
before I did.


And then..
A person who lacks feeling is out of touch with reality.

Adventures and realisations!

i need to dance. yes. I will go home, tidy my room and dance.

So.. what has *actually* been happening in the last few days?
(there is a lot in here, but it’s a proper entry about ME)

IBM has lost its grip on me. I’m out of here next thursday. The day after I have my pilgramage up north to visit a rather interesting osteopath/psychologist. He is having a birthday party with lots of live music. Should be good.

Winchester and Mary
I took my bonus half-day off on wednesday. This was the result of my own efforts to stand up for myself on monday – and I used it for a mini-adventure to Winchester with Jon. Talking to a girl working on an out door noodle stand, I discovered a few good places to go. First we explored the Cathedral again (very old, very big, very impressive, very catholic) This time I found the Virgin Mary chapel, and was once again struck by her similarity with Kuan Yin, a chinese/buddhist figure of compassion. I always liked Mary, I think it’s a shame she was taken away from the rest of the denominations. The best part was the renditions of some original wall hangings, showing about 20 frames of images I can onlty describe as “Virgin-Mary-Action-Hero” basically Mary rescuing various bad and wayward people/priests at the last minute because they asked for help or had followed her. For example “wayward and corrupt priest falls off bridge and drowns in river, and a demon arrives to take away his soul, but mary turned up and saved him.” although they also had one where Mary instructs some builders how to use a ‘capstan’ and thereby improve their building skill for the cathedral.(!!) It was good fun, essentially she is the last vestige of any overt feminine aspects as far as I can make out, one of creaitvity and a figure of motherly compassion. I never quite got the same with Jesus during my catholic days, perhaps because he always felt a bit like the older brother who was better at everything than you are or could be. Mary doesn’t care if you pick your nose.

paddling in rivers and holding snails

We then went and walked for a while through very old, historical houses, and out into some “water meadows” to see fish jumping our of rivers as we walked under new-green trees. I paddled in a stream till my feet went too numb, climbed some trees, generally danced about a bit, and pondered aloud over this comment bylaochbran :
Buddhism is the path to the cessation of suffering. Taoism is the path to happiness. The Taoist accepts a certain degree of suffering, thereby enabling happiness.The cessation of suffering is not the only goal that has validity. Of course, if your experience is dominated by suffering, it is a sensible one.

The thing that is nice about Jon is that he is one of those very passive people that is just relaxing to spend time round. He doesn’t moan or complain or stress about anything really, which is refreshing. He also listens in exactly the right way that allows my thoughts to come out and expand like balloons, or bubbles, and it’s amazing that even though he probably doesn’t ‘get’ what I’m going on about or give me any kind of profound comment back, I’ve learnt a lot from just trying to express my views aloud. I love walking and musing aloud.

People don’t always want to be given answers, sometimes they just want the chance to talk their own answers into existance.

I was sitting on a stile right on the rivers edge when I picked up a couple of snails and put them on my hand. One was dark brown with creamy white spiral, and the other white with a brown spiral – they looked a lot like those chocolate sea-shells you can get. The last time I put snails on my hand I must have been about 10. After while they come out of their shell, eyes on those funny stalks, and start sliming about. Certain places really tickle.

At exactly this moment Josie called me. So I sat their with snails sliming rapidly down my arm with a phone in the other hand. Josie told me she had reserved tickets for a flight to Japan (July the 7th, because that feels like a good day) and all we had to do is pay for them the next day. wow!!

Japan and Gossip

So yes. Tickets now paid and I’m going to Japan. I am so incredibly scared and yet determined on this one. It is going to change me but I will survive it. Talk about setting myself up for a huge out-of-comfort-zone experience! I am really glad to be doing this trip with Josie.

Something else struck home recently was gossip, and what a horribly twisted thing it is. Also making up your opinion on someone. I’ve noticed how once people make up their mind on a person, everything that person subsequently does is filtered and distorted to match that image. So the worst thing you can do is to make up your mind on someone based upon comments given by someone else! Another part of this is being careful to base your opinion of who YOU are on how other people see you, or what role it is you are in their lives. I’ve realised that i need to bear these things in mind, and try not to implicitly accept descriptions of someone, especially when it comes to their personality and motives.
I have spent far too much of my life basing my opinions of myself and world around me on what other people say. Yes, it’s good to listen to other people but you do need to be careful. (and careful of your own judgements as well… I’ve reasoned myself into some very strange and incorrect theories on people.). The main thing is to forget your previous experience and convictions and try to simply observe what is infront of you *now*. It’s all about empathy again.

back to front boyfriend experience

With that in mind, here are some truths about Jon. You see despite everything that has been said and understood logically, a relationship of sorts has been developing and growing between us. When I, or anyone else looks at this from the outside, it is so very quick and easy to stick judgemental and cliche labels. “affair” “two-timing” “rebound” “thoughtless lust” “desirous attachment”. If only people were that simple.

One thing I will not say is that this has been wrong. It may have dissapointed Zak hideously. It may have lost respect of others. But the effect it has had on me has been one of profound healing and learning, and if anything it has allowed me to feel closer to zak than I’ve done before. Zak is still the only guy I’ve slept with, and the only person who I’ve ever totally lost boundary between, had a glimpse of pure empathy with, and fallen in love with against all rhyme or reason.

My time with Jon has helped me realise
– about the fantasy-lies and games of desire
– about how much work has to go into relationships and how actually i really couldn’t be bothered to start all over again. And how much I value what I have with Zak.
– to admitt out loud that love scares the shit out of me and that’s partly why I’ve been running from zak
– how to break out of a destructive behaviour pattern.
– about wearing masks, playing out games and generating false impressions.
– that there are many different kinds of love, probably as many as combinations of people. no one-and-only love just as no one-and-only answer.
– to discover that I should admitt damage when damage happens. Admitt it and let it go. I was damaged about 7 years ago now : not unexpected given my naiviety, curiousity and lack of self-value, but I denied it and pushed it down very far where it’s been festering ever since, till the last couple of years when piece by piece i’ve been extracting it. Jon, without even meaning to, has helped me to remove some of that rotteness.

Because you see, all my experience with guys has consisted of, them doing stuff to me that I didn’t want. Or falling into a difficult love with Zak and a challenging relationship that has had problems of some kind since the word go. What I’ve had with Jon has been nice. Not amazing, not even lasting, but just nice. With Jon I was always in control, it has been a lovely game, something to add sparkle and a bit of human contact, some time to relax, and I think we both know that’s all it ever was going to be. It’s been the short-term low-key boyfriend experience I always imagined – flirting, going out on dates, kissing in the car, no commitment, nothing very major, very teenage-movie. I love what I have with Zak, and how things started with him, but I was oh-so damaged then, and messed up, and also what I found with Zak is something I didn’t WANT to find till I was 25, or 30, or old enough to deal with it properly.

This probably sounds really awful, or selfish, or something. maybe it is. But, in Jon, I found what I always thought a boyfriend would/should be like, before my opinion was crunched up and broken and mangled. Boyfriends are not about lying there in terrified fear, pinned down to a bed and being played with like some kind of sex toy. Boyfriends are not about leaving yourself open to be invaded and trampled and then left for nothing. Boyfriends are not about lies to get you naked in a bed. I have seen that maybe my original view, that boyfriends are men, that should be respectful and not pushy, that care for you without being possesive, was not so far fetched; that this kind of person does really exist. My world view has changed for the better; or perhaps just reset to normal.

thank god.

It has been good for me, and challenging for me, to experience all this. I think… I have had enough of relationship messing about now. I now have a better idea of what it’s all about.

It is time to focus back on myself , and my life. I’m also ready to give what I have with Zak the chance it deserves…paradoxically the fact I know its not the only love, the ” one true love”, because there is no such thing, takes off some pressure and helps me see for what is really there, and value what we have rather than looking for something more. First though, it’s 3 or 4 months of no real contact at all while I’m in Japan. I expect to find this a bit refreshing but mostly very difficult. But: I need to know that I don’t need him to be able to love him (if that makes sense at all).


(that is not quite the dodgy rationalisation it sounds. I can see the other truths here. Like, this whole Jon thing only started because one day I was drunk,horny, in a self-destruct mood and very lonely. But he contained a whole pile of unexpectedness. I can remember joking with Josie, about ‘unravelling the introvert’ to find nothing there, but rather, there is a lot of tenderness and wonder-at-the-world in Jon.

And also, there was one moment which was the first time ever I really thought there was a good chance zak would give up on me. That scared me in a big way. I was (still am) treading a fine line here and should be careful i suppose.

I know I’ve been less than ideal.)


anything else?

I’ve been connecting with various long distant friends, and drawing more lately, and all these things make me happy. Mostly I am feeling full of a nervous energy over the realitiy of the Japan trip. Relationship with parents has been improving as I have learnt how to untangle myself slowly from their expectations and prejudices. I have remembered the value in my academic skills but also the need to balance them out with fun and outdoors. I’ve realised how far I’ve come and how much I have to learn still. Particulalry, it’s getting to a time where I need to start working on focus, and commitment, and not being scared of long term plans.

I also want to stop using the past or imagine neuroses as ‘excuses’ for behaviour. Take some responsibility. I want to develop some personal integrity, I just hope its not too late.

As of next week, after a year of procrastination and over indulgance on LJ, of flapping about indecisevly and being flakey, it will be time to start getting focused. And finally, I have realised that I am not doing this for praise, or for love, or profit, or even because I have to. I’m doing it because I can, and I want to see what happens.

And that is my “now”.

“There’s so many things that we miss in our everyday lives
We’re so busy hustling, bustling chasing far away dreams
We forget the little things
Like blue skies, green eyes and our babies growing
Like rainbows, fresh snow and the smell of summer
We forget to live

Give us eyes like children so we live each day as others
We’re so sure we know so much that we forget to listen
Then we wander freckle faced
Like cheep thrills bad spill and constant consumption
Like TV, CDs and cars that speak our names
We forget to live

– “Little things” by Lamb

I love this :-)

Jon said in an email today:
“But I still believe that my brain can form deep and intricate
electrochemical associations with people, and experiences with those
people produce a huge variety of chemicals, feelings and responses.

Just because my viewpoint is backed up by some vague, floaty, unproven
science stuff, that doesn’t make my emotions & feelings any less real
or incredible than those who think your feelings stem from a soul.

So there.”

I really like that that, it makes me smile lots.

You know what? I don’t care anymore what the hell people believe, as long as it makes them think life is really fantastically cool and worth exploring.

Yes its not all sunshine and roses, yes it may all be a delusion, or part of grand plan, or not, or whatever… the thing is:

As long as it inspires people with wonder and value, it’s compatible with my, rather undefined, beliefs.

everything else is shits and giggles.


wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee……………………………euphoria………………………….wooooooooooooooo……………………….. 🙂

edit:as I went a-walking around the lake, kicking a pebble and spotting butterflies, it occured to me that even if people believe in things that don’t inspire them, it’s *still* compatible with my beliefs. So either : I have some weird chaotic view of the world now that encompasses most things (whilst still having spare space for more) OR I actually don’t have any “beliefs” at all. I’m not sure which is better. hum.

It doesn’t matter anyway. I wonder if there is such a thing as “Neil Gaimanism” . That would probably do me. Still. There is a lot more to do here, so on with the show! 🙂