Flexion : Extension

I had to note this down somewhere

I learnt in massage class, that you can remember if a joint is in flexion by thinking of a foetus, which is curled up in total flexion. Everything that can be flexed, is, pretty much. A spiral turning inwards, curling towards the centre, infolding and held with the womb.

So what about total extension of the bodies joints? The teacher didn’t say but hinted at basically, an orgasm. I think about it myself, the few times I’ve really felt totally overwhelmed with the sensation, spine arching, head thrown back, screaming it, somehow trying to simultaneously contain and release it all. I think of a fern frond uncurling itself, a really good stretch, and the vulnerability of it. In a time without contraception, that orgasm could well have been the start of seeding a new foetus… and so, human life falls in a dance between total flexion and total extension, with everything in between. I ponder on the the ancient rites of burial in the foetal position… did they realise that that is how we start off without those hi tech scanners that give us visuals into the womb? hmmmmmm This whole area stretches beyond any attempt at words…I think about symbolism and how it can unlock the mind, but I am moving into a world where our bodies themselves can be their own symbol.


seems to me, there is the love which is grasping, to fill a need and to satisfy in some way, a love where you are made happy by the presence of that person or object or concept in your life..

but there is something else, a bittersweet love perhaps? when you realise that the person, or thing, or moment, is transient, it will die, pass, decay; this adds an extra dimension, a sharpness that hones the love to a focus of immediacy. To feel this, there will be pain and pleasure and more besides.

Or when you don’t look at it in relation to yourself, or it’s function, but simply who that person is, what that insect does, how the moon pulls the water across the ocean…

There is nothing more beautiful to me than a person who is here, present, relaxed into their being, not striving to be anything but themselves in that moment. When I catch glimpses of the moments others are like that, my heart swells and I struggle to take a breath. To see someone enthused about life, or truly laughing, or totally relaxed and aware. Or when they are crying long held tears of pain, releasing burdens, being honest about their emotion.

Last night I watched 4 episodes of David Attenborough’s Blue Planet, I saw coral releasing eggs, deep sea creatures, fish, birds, tides, shrimp…nature documentaries are like a drug to me at the moment. What struck me the most was – life finds a way. Ice, darkness, amongst vicious predators, life carries on. It doesn’t need a reason. I wonder that too often we get lost in striving for a reason, an explanation; if you follow that route long enough the only answer is nihilism or chaos.


just….ah….yes. 🙂



I feel like the last couple of weeks have been a bit of a respite, as if the universe is giving me a chance to catch my breath after a rather manic month or so of changes. I also have been feeling more “in the flow” or “in my center” in a way I’ve not done since the very end of my university life; when events and people just get drawn in. (rather than rushing around chasing ghosts)

Coinciding with this, for the last few weeks I’ve been yearning for either a cigarette, or some cannabis, or a mix of the two. Neither of these things is a habit for me, but like going out clubbing madly sometimes I just really “fancy it”, usually after loooong stretches of abstinance.

And when basically I ended up being handed a joint made with very high quality ingredients (probably not organic though.. 😉 ) without even asking for it, or looking for it, I felt a good sense of satisfaction. And it WAS good. mm, that first hit of nicotine..

I’m still more aware of my body than I was before, and this has made a difference. I could feel much more off what was happening as I inhaled and got all those chemicals into my system. I have to say that I don’t entirely like the numbing down feeling, a sort of heavy-coldness which is relaxing in it’s own way but I can’t really kid myself as much about these things as I used to. Smoking again last night, then lying in bed paying attention to my lungs and heart I felt really a bit guilty about shoving all that into my body; I didn’t like the feeling of it. In some odd sense I like that drugs have side-effects because it helps a balance, and to me all moral questions can go out the window because it all comes down to “is the good effect worth the cost?” (on mind,body,friends etc)

One of the guys doing the massage course is trying to give up smoking. I don’t think I CAN get into it because of my growing awareness/understanding of the awesome-neatness of the body. It just seems counterproductive. More because I don’t really want to take short cuts or get dependencies on things which cause damage… something which DOES annoy me though are people who assume smokers are fundamentally weak-willed selfish dolts, because actually nicotine does have some beneficial effects as well as negative. Things are not that black and white, and I don’t like it when groups of people get demonised.

I still have a vague theory that part of the relaxing effect of smoking is to do with concentrating on your breathing, inhalation and exhalation. So maybe I will do that instead. I also keep meaning to get up earlier and start doing Chi-Kung/Qui-jung first thing in the morning, but the cold and dark tends to put me off 🙂

(((note to self – story idea – imaginary cigarrettes –)))

For posterity or something

In an email from my brother:

“btw I swear I’ve felt so much more relaxed this week so far than usual. Must have been that massage”

*beams* 😀

We both stopped over at my granny’s house this weekend and caught up a little. I still feel like I have a lot of bridges to build between us before we can be ourselves round each other. We discussed drugs while lying awake at night, and I listened to why he does them still, his sadness that some people live their whole life without ever experiencing the highs of an E, which echoes my sadness of people not finding that same thing out of life itself. I said that my view is that drugs can be taken as tools, that those experiences you feel are still being churned out by your body, that maybe one should ask why feeling ‘loved up’ and ‘connected’ to other people feel so good in the first place….? Our views overlap in strange ways, diverge in others, and I noticed we have similar mannerisms physically. I feel so distant from my family, but that is partly due to how far I ran away. Bit by bit I’m trying to return.

When I was massaging Andrew, I pressed around his shoulders somewhere and he felt tensions sparking and releasing at the base of his spine; “like the feeling you get when you stretch”. Fascinating stuff.

My biggest challenge with the massage is the small size of my hands and my spindly fingers. Sharon showed me a way round this, endeavouring to use my WHOLE hand/palm and keep fingers etc together..it’s taking a while to get the hang off. I also have cold hands but it’s amazing how quickly they warm up – and how long they stay warm as well. Trying to use my body in a whole new way. I love physical contact with others, and actually something this course is doing is making me realise how much we keep ourselves distant/seperate. Touch is important; and I hope to give Andrew more massage because even now I feel it is starting to change our relationship.

Google divination!

For 5 min of distraction, put “[my name] needs” into google and see what you get.

  • Catherine needs to collect Secretary materials, next Wed
  • Catherine needs a sanctuary, periodic retreat from the world and long luxurious baths
  • Catherine needs to grow up and become a woman
  • Hal and Claire assume Catherine needs to be taken care of when in fact, she just needs to free the yolk of Dad’s legacy and deal with her sadness at his absence
  • Catherine needs to plan ahead so she will know whether or not she will have enough
    cash available when she needs it
  • Catherine needs proof of her own sanity

My god, it’s all so true! though I’m slightly puzzled by the Secretary materials. I’m sure it will all become clear…

Following a Black Cat into faery land and back

“There are witches in the hills calling my name
saying come join us sister, come kiss the flame
Come dance in the moonbeams, ride the night wind
make love to the darkness and laugh at man’s sins

I shiver with delight, I shiver with fear
my heart wants to go but my soul’s filled with fear
So I turn to my lover and ask what do I do
do I answer their call or stay here with you

But under spell of deep sleep he moans and turns away
taking his protection and my desire to stay
So I rise to the hill tops, I ride the night winds
I make love to the darkness and laugh at man’s sins”
– Cowboy Junkies

Everything has shifted in the last cycle, the one which started with wolves and steak. I think, of seizing fire and the explosive fruiting of autumn berries all around me. This time of year is wonderful, not too dark yet, easing off from the summer of high activity.

Zak is becoming Michael again, leaving me to follow his heart and thirst for challenge. He needs initiation and confirmation as well; he will be joining the Army as a Railway Operative in the new year if not sooner, and as that decision was made the universe shifted into a new shape and I can see again the man I love. Before he left I was in those initial stages all over again, but on another level. My tears over the idea of giving up on him cleared the space for me to see how much love was there. For the first time in perhaps four years, I have genuine hope for us. The next five years with him on his quest will make this a challenge, but the truth is right now I don’t want anyone else.

The massage diploma, a shifting and reshuffling of jobs, these things are offering new potentials and learning, satisfying female and male sides of myself, the pieces coming together. All I needed to do was stop fighting and see what was infront of me. I feel moments of happy, I feel moments of real, I feel some direction and purpose. I feel hope without any particular expectation, which is perhaps the best kind. Walking with me now, though, is a shade of the girl-woman I have been this last year, and I welcome her now, because I don’t want to forget, and I need her grounding. The outer world and inner ones are more linked up than I realised, even WITH all my pondering.

These two weeks, perhaps even just the one, are a calm for me before I start the next stage. No-one is giving this to me, I’m taking it for myself because I know I need it. Reflection, listening, gathering.

Science, healing, male, female, love, solitude. There is another part I swear I will make room for even if I have to fight for it: the soul and the magic. The Wolf and the drawing and the being still and just LOOKING, the vital thread that has the potential to be woven through every living moment if I do things right. On sunday, just gone, I took a day to go adventuring with Jessica Fox – North Devon wilds and farms of Exmoor, the birth-locus of my father’s side, I wanted to find the places he went as child, and I did. The day was magic, unplanned, fluid. We found the the Valley of rocks and it’s wild goats, sea, rivers, wind.. driving down tiny roads enclosed by trees. We were followed by a black cat as we started up a heathered hill to an ancient Tumulus and stone circle; a land where there was no sound, no traffic, just silence and the in-out of your breathing. Driving back across open moor under twilight sky and a bright horned half-moon. This day filled me with fresh air and fed my soul.

I found a new way to see the world, a glimpse of a fae-land which runs underneath all this human functional coldness. More ideas to add to the story building in my heart. Another black cat met us on the way home, diverting to cross our path and make me smile. Must be time to think about cats and what I can learn from them. Right now I stand on the edge of the human world, feeling a little insubstantial even as I sit in this office. I guess it’s time to jump back in. But I can not forget about the magic.

In the background, Coyote snickers and I suspect once again I’m winding into another universal joke of my own creation. And yes, I *know* I’m being prententious at the moment; I’m enjoying it while it lasts. Put it down to the Cats.

Continuing thoughts on drug debate

I thought rather than reply to all the great comments on my last post on whether drugs should be legalised, I would have another go at writing an vaguely coherant opinion. Actually mostly I want to ask you all more questions 🙂 I do really enjoy hearing decent responses to these issues, so thanks!

I would like to say first that if I could give out awards, one would have to go to footpad for this, which made my monday morning much more amusing:
“Let’s say you wire a van de Graaf generator to a hundred-millifarad capacitor, put a huge sign saying YOU WILL DIE IF YOU TOUCH THIS on it and leave it in the middle of village green. The next morning, on the grass around it, you will find three dead chavs and the slightly scorched remains of Mrs McMahon’s tabby cat Peebles.

That little story isn’t strictly necessary to the argument but I’m in that sort of mood.”
🙂 🙂 🙂
further questions/points: