December was a month full of activity, friends, and fire; summed up at the solstice which found me hauling wood from the forest with Jess and Duncan, drinking mulled cider and playing with fire poi. Visitors, gluttony, dancing in the crowd of a Levellers concert.. even Christmas with the family was good. I gave my Grandmother a poetry book and my mother a massage; both these events are opening up whole new ways of relation. New years was spent in Exeter frantically cooking Japanese food with Josie, lots of wine drinking, and general amusement.
At the same time, a darkness has been snapping at my heels, an undercurrent of doubts and fears and apathy crowding in with regards to my life and where it’s going. With the start of the new year, and end of the winter celebrations and general social frenzy they have caught up with me. Add to this a general sense of bleakness and awareness of the horrible things that happen in life, and it’s enough to poison anything. What’s happened? In a vaguely Persephone-esq way in the last few days (weeks?) I’ve ventured into all this darkness to try and find some answers.
“Guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life.” – Proverbs 4.23
“It is the coward who abandons himself or herself first. And from the place of cowardice, all other betrayals come easy” – paraphrase of a quote I wrote on my wall back at my parents house.
“When the Fool comes up in this position, lack of trust in your authentic, original nature causes you to resist spontaneity and freedom. Without trust in your essential nature, you can’t afford to move in any direction, take any steps, make any decisions. Without trust, you are riddled with fears and insecurities.” Amen to that.
THIS is what is stopping me. The inner demons are noisey but petty – engaging in their games just takes me round in circles, plus I start to realise they will ALWAYS be replaced with new ones. Looking to destroy the toxins is a false venture, paying attention to them just makes them bigger. Instead, what I seek is the light and determination to grow to the point that they don’t matter. I’ve lost lack of trust in my own nature, abilities and worth;and here lies the answer. The cowardice comes in because I’m afraid to BE myself to that level, what might happen and where it will take me.
hmm! Back to the wolf I think – for she is my heart, my vitality, endurance, life. Guard your heart.