gender and body..shifting changing

..and I still feel more in my body than ever before. Parts of me are rebelling, wanting to go backwards to where I was before. But this feels like such a good change, and the intensity of life has turned up.
To be more present is to see more, and I can’t so easily withdraw away into intellectual fuzz or numbness. I’ve TRIED to escape in the usual ways, but drugs make naseous and running to others arms/lives doesn’t satisfy me – instinct and self-will rises up and demands that I go back to my own space and be alone, to sit in the centre of my web, and not be afraid to claim the life that is mine.

It has helped I’m having a hiatus week or so holiday, with lots of friends visiting, no normal routine, no work, and even a break from the massage. Allowing things to settle down and shift into new positions. Everything that has gone before seems unreal to me. I can’t quite put my finger on where I am now but it is different. Different and yet more real.

TOUCH ME TOUCH ME TOUCH ME! – I suddenly find myself craving contact not for reassurance but for communication. I massaged my teacher yesterday and she said it was amazing; I find it amazing to be able to express ALL of who I am, bring it all to the moment and into my hands. Touch does not lie in the same way words can. … and, she said that she could feel I was using my intuition and my instincts a lot; dare I even dream that I’ve found a way to express the wildness in me?

I’ve been reading books on orgasms and gently confronting the shame that’s disconnected me from it all for too long..that it is ok for women to be sexual. I can almost feel the fire and the light within me now… and yet with all this comes a danger, a sense of exposure and fragility. Last night I realised that I need to keep this all somewhat hidden, to be careful, and to watch pride more than ever before.

I had a very strange dream last night when I was taking hormone pills to shift my gender, to disguise myself as a boy for some plot to seduce my (suspected gay) massage teacher John. Even my dreams are more body orientated, I had shifts in voice and form, I could feel muscles developing it was strange.. and yet I was desperate to get back to my own body, horrified that the change back might take months. hmm

I’ve never felt this sense of rightness with my own body or self before. What happens next..?

Progress of spring

The cheer of a sunny spring day fills me with such hope and energy. Out on lunch time walks, I can’t help but stop and enjoy the sheer vibrant “green-ness” of the new growth that’s exploding all around me, reminding me why I came to live in the countryside in the first place. I love the gentle warmth of the sun at this time of year, less harsh than that of summer.

eastern massage techniques

In parallel to this, I am seeing options and new possibilites appearing all around me in my life. The massage course is disintigrating, with the male teacher developing severe ego-problems/fears and most recently chucking the female teacher, Sharon, of the course and thus removing all the eastern massage/energy techniques we were going to learn. No problem though – Sunday found myself and three other students meeting up at a beautiful cottage near dartmoor to await for Sharon who has decided to teach us her information anyway, for free. So I learnt about the connection between aches and emotions (it seems really obvious when I look at it), Marma points (similar to accupressure points but from the Indian system), and also practiced some simple Shiatsu which was gorgeous. Integrating east and west – THIS is what I really wanted to learn, and will keep persuing.

weird herbal remedies

In the pipeline is a possible interesting weekend course on herbal remedies. Taught by an ex-marine who spent time while on service with a lot of native tribes of rainforests etc, learning about what plants they used for various ailments. He got so into it, he got out of the army and went to learn a load more from shamans, before coming back to the UK to track down OUR native herbal knowledge. Apparently a lot of it was lost through the witch-burning in the 15th century but retained by gypsy families who mostly kept out the he went and learnt from them as well.

So he runs little courses where you learn about some of these, get taught how to make basic distillations (potions!), and also go on a countryside ramble looking for plants.. might happen in the summer and actually if anyone is interested in that and wants to come down to Exeter and take part give me a shout.

Apparently this guy has an idea of incorporating herbs with massage which sounds quite intriguing. (I tested this out with some dock leaves yesterday after getting a bit carried away running around nettles with no shoes on 🙂 )

my office life of idle procrastination

In my office job, I am moving upstairs to work near the techy guy, no longer in view of my manager and thus killing the last vestiges of paranoia-induced working (actually more not-work-related guilt: Yes I am indeed a parasite feeding of the retail industry). I also get to sit next to the window. In Japanese work places this is seen as a bad thing, a sign that you are no longer of use. Suits me as the plan is to be out of here in 6 months (or less) and starting on a part time massage career or simply to live on my part-time university job and free up time to laze around, study, and go and sit in forests.

Yes this is foolish, but I’m basically waiting to see how long it takes before they decide to fire me. 😀


I’ve signed up to do an taiko course with the kagemusha group in Exeter! The same one I did a workshop with last august (I already raved about taiko once so I won’t do it again ) drumming drumming drumming yes yes yes yes – getting involved in group drumming has been a dream of mine for years! It’s only 8 sessions (every monday) but it’s a start. yay!

I still feel centred and so much calmer than I used to. Hopeful about the future and determined to live. The last year till this point has been one massive transmutation, and I was walking down the river on sunday twilight, reeling a little bit simply for feeling so freed, real, different. Touching on some powerful core in myself, feeling a surity in step.

There is still more to go, as always. As though I have prepared some space in myself and my life but have yet the courage to fill it. Or, as though I can feel the wolf on the other side of the door, lounging patiently, eyes fire…I just need to open it to let her in..