Somehow,in the wee hours of the morning on 21st June I found myself dancing in the centre of Stonehenge. Dancing to drums and didgeredoos, even though I could barely move for the squash of people, looking up every so often at the immensity of the stones as if to remind myself where I actually was.

I’m no druid. I didn’t go for the stones or the ley-lines. I went for the people and the atmosphere, and I went thanks to massage(following passion?) since it was a case study who mentioned she was going and asked me along. I went because I’ve gotten into the habit now of marking out the solstices and this seemed like the perfect way. Some people might call it hedonism, but for me life, passion and people IS my religion.. and as we joined thousands of others trekking past the police gates and winding the mile or so from the car park(field) to the stones, I was struck by the sheer folly and brilliance of People. I felt a bit like Dr.Who in his “aren’t humans great- c’mere for a hug” mode. The way we were all gathering at a pile of stones in the middle of the countryside, not to see a gig or a football match, but just because. All ages of people, from all parts of the country. To watch a sunrise which was unlikely to appear through the black cloud covering almost the entire sky..all except for a hopeful sliver on the horizon.

I went without expectations, and I went feeling somewhat lost and empty; but in the centre of that circle I pulled together all the fragments and realised just how far I’ve come..

And I love it!

A remarkably amusing way to procrastinate…

other lines I like

“You zap Dresen with the Wand of Vexen. A ray of darkness strikes them, and they slump to the floor.”

“You are in a fog-shrouded passage. You hear the sound of philosophy in the distance.”

“You are in an opulently-decorated barrack room. Images of ravens are carved into the walls.
There is an altar to Orinotta here.”

I’m kind of tempted to try exploring the “Dungeon of Megadog” but that might get a bit scary..!

edit ok I just tried to enter the dungeon of Megadog and the first line is “You find yourself in a damp torture chamber. You notice a small shrine to wagamama.” I think that about says it all!

“Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative and creation, there is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings and material assistance which no man could have dreamed would have come his way.

Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now.

~ Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe ”

All this is an oppurtunity, not to condemn or elevate myself as I am wont to do, but instead to commit. To truly commit to myself, and my dreams and plans of getting into massage/health/healing/therapy. Why is it so scary? The course is over now, apart from some case studies, so I can no longer distract myself with a future end date. Everything is easier when it is in the future.

Helen gave me a wonderful new sketch book and some inspiring music. I am scared to take the pencils up and start drawing again. Why the fear? Why the fuss? I don’t know. But this, and the massage. These are what I have to start from. I don’t want to keeping living the fake lives, the old lives. But taking up the new one is scary. That, and exciting.

On sunday, I was sitting in a suburb of Reading, bawling my eyes out and looking so pathetic that a woman came over to me, tapped me gently on the shoulder and said “whatever it is that is making you upset, God loves you”. This actually made me cry even more.

I do think of coyote legends sometimes..coyote, the fool that falls in his own traps. This is so often how I learn, indeed I wonder that it is the ONLY way I learn.

What follows is made up from bits from a comment in a friend’s journal but decided to put it here as well.
bleugh

This just kind of came out in an email.

——
> Do you want to talk about what you’ve been going through the past few
> month, or maybe leave it until we meet up on Friday? I’m usually willing
> to listening to people pour their heart’s out, as I find it’s a good way
> of getting to know someone and understand the way they are. 🙂

ye gods! you should be some kind of counselor or psychotherapist with that kind of attitude… ha! 🙂
If you can understand the way I am, perhaps you can let me know, since the closest I’ve come to is that it’s intrinsically chaotic, with a core of feral/wildness/instinct which yearns for life outside these boxes, a searching for deep truths, and authenticity, and how I really am even if that means disregarding cultural wisdom. Breaking barriers, experimenting, testing, persisting with this crazy running from the solitude I really need. Trying to find the balance between giving out to others and retaining something for myself. All in all – it gets very messy, complicated, vibrant. Right now I feel like a work in progress, transitioning between worlds. From the coldness of intellect to touch, taste, feeling, sensation… and now trying to weave it altogether. Learning my truth and how to speak it. Living from and with my heart instead of following mind or body. Scientist-mystic-lover-artist-healer-beast. The way I am changes with the moon and tides, if you try and pin it down you’re seeing but a fraction. I am not to be bound, or to be owned. And I am half sick of living as a shadow and holding all this back.

..well that’s what happens when I pour my heart out!!!

—————————–

It HAS been a crazy emotional insane time of late. Mike and I are no longer together and yet we still, for now, hold a future dream and hope. I’ve learnt a lot about hope recently, finding hope, loosing hope, and the stillness and conviction (faith?) which underlies it. I’m trying to see this as a time for ME, for solitude, for drawing …oh how I miss my drawing, how I promise to myself I will return to it, my passion, which I fill instead with men and half-loves. At the same time life is presenting me with a rather tempting 32 year old guy from hong kong with long hair and a passion for music….my weakness…and I feel not lust but the seeds of falling in love…so beautiful so painfully delicious…though I sense he is again not connected up inside.but I MUST get the focus on myself and not distract myself with others. The answer, perhaps, is to be myself and be myself loudly, and not be tempted to see that gap in someone else and reduce myself to fill it for them….let alone try and fill the gap that’s left by Mike’s absence. The answer also is to not throw myself at new guy but just keep some distance and if anything develops it will develop by itself and slowly (and indeed all the better to savour any truth there). No more games. I *can* do it this time!