Death Ritual

Moulded by my hands
Bound by my blood
I return you to the Earth
In order to be reborn

Yesterday marked a transition point for me. I went out to the woods with Michael Brightwood and my long term friend Sci to hold a burial ritual for old identity patterns, fears and so on in order for me to move on forward into my adult life.

It was interesting, difficult and with a few unexpected events..

I’ve been building myself up to the ritual all of last week, and particularly over the weekend.Getting deep into what it is exactly I wanted to put into this, what I was going to do and how. Buying incense, candles, materials and so on. I decided that this needed to be an earth-ritual, needed to be outdoors, needed to be burial rather than cremation, physical rather than words on paper. My period started on friday making it the perfect cleansing/rebirth time (also waning moon) not to mention providing me with some powerful blood magic to incorporate!

“Menstrual blood is the only source of blood that is not traumatically induced. Yet in modern society, this is the most hidden blood, the one so rarely spoken of and almost never seen, except privately by women, who shut themselves in a little room to quickly and in many cases disgustedly change their pads and tampons, wrapping the bloodied cotton so it won’t be seen by others, wrinkling their faces at the odor, flushing or hiding the evidence away. Blood is everywhere, and yet the one, the only, the single name it has not publicly had for many centuries, is menstrual blood. Menstrual blood, like water, just flows. Its fountain existed long before knives or flint; menstruation is the original source of blood.” from here

Since I have a menstrual cup now I collected quite a lot of blood – mixed it in a small squeezy bottle 😉 and added some ‘goddess water’ from the white spring in glastonbury : ended up looking exactly like red wine 🙂

what happened


I went and had a really nice lunch at the Dinosaur cafe and read some more of “the pregnant virgin”; again it was highly apt and relevent. I’m not sure what I’m going to do when the book is finished!

I think what a lot of this is about facing my own fears about my perfectionism and failure. I’m not afraid of failing, so much as failure, and not so much of failure itself but finding myself failed and unsupported, derired and unloved; worthless. This is , I believe, the ONLY consequence of failure. I can’t see or believe that people would still like and even love me if I have ‘failed’. The same perfectionism (and yes, I can be perfectionistic despite the procrastination) which pushes me forward also loathes any sign of weakness which might cause me to fall into this abyss of terrible failure and worthlessness.

And thus I end up immbolised: both my twisted-perfectionism “only do something if you are certain you can be really good at it and it will work” (applies to me, and to relationships I’ve just realised) and my fear of failure are coming into play when I start thinking about how I can pursue my massage/healer career.

but it’s not so much pursuing my career as following the promptings of my heart. And being in my heart, thinking from my heart, is when it can all come together, and I can feel compassion and love for myself, not just the good bits but the bad bits and basically the HUMAN bits which make me me. And part of being human is to err. 🙂

something which was said on the course which struck a chord:
“allow yourself to make mistakes. Allow yourself the freedom to not get it right first time”

I think a lot of my journey at the moment relates to being and becoming and loving the HUMAN. Thus the wolf, having bought me this far, steps back a little to make room for the human in me. I bring the wolf, my instinct, into my heart : this is where she has a voice. A couple of times I’ve been in wolf-mode AND been able to speak, this is when the wisdom and truth of my body comes out.

But I also have to integrate the spirit-intellect ; the clean perfectionistic bit which also is pretty good at escaping from reality and into fantasy lands. I’ve just had a thought/realised something :: I used to think that when you go from a child to an adult you stop playing let’s pretend fantasty games. But actually the difference is that when you’re a child you KNOW that you are playing the game, no matter how much you are immersed in it. The games still continue into adult hood, in the way we relate to others, to ourselves, following rules of culture and expectation, following twisted patterns in our own minds : but it’s as if we forget that we are ‘playing’ (maybe because it’s not always fun) and that we get lost in playing out the role of girlfriends, daughters, employees etc. Also perhaps this idea we are gods of own lives, totally in control.

anyway it may be something not universally common but true to me. I’ve been shocked by how I’ve treated other people and myself; how I’ve assumed what my parents feel towards me or my friends. When I can step out of my own games and look at the larger picture it’s hard, but refreshing.

going off at a tangent..the point is to be in my heart, not my head or my body-instinct, because its the heart where I can find real love and compassion for myself and for others.

Being a bit batty

“Dark night flyer, lift me higher
Realms of life where loved ones go,
That I might find joy mind to mind,
My heart hurt less. I miss them so.
Teach me that death can hurt much less
If I accept it as no end,
But see it true, just another view
Of life continuing round a bend.”

“Bat is a powerful totem that carries a very heavy message. It is usually misunderstood, for it is more comfortable to ignore the teachings of bat — which is all about fear. Bat brings up our most hidden fears; those that lurk in the dark corners of our mind and spirit; those that make us break out in a cold sweat. He is telling you that it is time to bring these fears to the light. Nothing is greater torture than hiding such fears for our very refusal to acknowledge and deal with them only magnifies them, gives them even more power over us, and turns them into destructive monsters.

If you follow the teachings of bat, it may seem that things get only worse. They may for a time until you bring each of your fears into the full light of Spirit, tear them apart thoroughly, examine each element of that fear (where it came from and how it is influencing your life) with total honesty, and let it go — out of your mind — out of your heart — out of your spirit. It’s time for serious self-examination and self-evaluation.

Always remember the positive power of bat. It is the symbol of the shaman death. This is not actual, physical death, but the death of old fears, old ways that no longer serve you, old belief systems that you have grown beyond, old prisons that have held your very soul captive. The beauty of bat? Once you pass through the darkness into the light…..YOU CAN FLY! You are transformed. You are re-born. You are free.”

nb : pmt time

I woke up at 02:20am last night, a little hung-over from earlier indulgence of red wine. 30 seconds after I woke up a text message appeared from Isaac, a hopefuly reply full of misplaced sentiment. I’d resisted texting him all day but after drinking wine it didn’t seem so important; I was drunk, pmt-ing, and desperate for attention; touch, intimacy, reassurance that I am here and I am alive. Mike and I have been making progress but with that comes the breakdown of barriers that kept me safe and happy in my chosen singledom; last time he was here we swapped massage, his touch was full of love and I realised that my body craves it so deeply; NEEDS it, not sex but just that simple contact. And now I miss it, and find myself for the first time ever really getting jealous and sad about couples like John and Rachel, Erin and Deke, who are together all the time…. I want that but I don’t know how to have it. I’ve never really had that consistant presence of a person in my life, not even with my parents. I get frustrated at money, jobs, and the seeming impossibility of pulling it together with Mike – I know he’s working now but it still seems impossible and distant, and the disspointments of the last few years are hard to let go. Even though I know a lot of them are to do with me.

Looking back over the last few years, it has been a long long time since I really had to go through being alone and untouched for long periods. Substitute boyfriends left right and centre; I could orchestrate these comparmentalised lives and pull them out the cupboard the moments I needed them, to some extent. I wasn’t even aware or conscious about this : indeed Isaac WAS going to be here the last few days, and last night, but I told him a while back not to bother coming. I had to consciously stop it. It’s still hard for me to choose not to have stuff, especially attention and especially love.

But I am glad, all the same, because I know that I need this time, I even need and WANT the time away from Mike, painful and desperate though it can get. I am still very much going through a death-rebirth process, this one bigger than ever. Last night I was lying in bed, and my lower back/sarcum was hot and hurting, I felt as though I just needed to curl up in a cave and be reborn but first need to extend out, crack the bones, break up and through SOMETHING. Fears and hurts have been rising to the surface, as they often do this time of the month, but this time I want to see them and release more of them.

The relationship between Mike and I is caught up in all this, as it is also in itself going through a painful emotional joyful death-rebirth process, and I genuinally hope we will have a whole new way to be together by the end of it. For me, relationship ITSELF is one of my biggest fears. But I think, or feel, that in a way he is one of the few aspects of my life that will be coming with me, albeit transformed.

So much of the rest of it I have to let die. I really do feel that I’ve got to leave behind so much of my life to date in order to make room for the new life I want to pursue. The massage course in brighton pushed everything to a whole new level; challenging and inspiring me at the same time. I CAN start working on more energetic levels NOW, albeit I have a lot to develop in terms of grounding, listening, perception and so on…this terrifies and excites me : but most of all its brought me up to walls of resistance in myself, I get in my own way, I block it almost. A kuan yin poem I pulled out the other day said something along the lines of “you were given a gift from heaven, but you lost it by listening to fools. Now you will have to work hard to regain what you have lost”… the way I start to see this is, yes, it is almost as though I am seeking to reclaim an ability I’ve had but blocked myself..the fools being my own mind, doubts, fears.

I feel as though I’m only on the tip of the iceburg of all this. And that I will have to keep walking alone to get through this, even amongst the support of my friends. I’ve been having quite a few dreams about my own death and yet I’ve yet to pull them through to consciousness. The way it feels is this it NOT about jettisoning or cutting of the past, but rather letting it die, rot, allowing the goodness to be taken in an integrated but other parts left behind.

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