Transition time – embracing my fierceness-vulnerability


I am feeling my essence pulled between sharp contrasts of strength and crying helplessness. If I can embrace the whole paradox there is a new way.

For almost the entire relationship with jeff (not far off a year now) there has been uncertainty and unknown. At the moment we don’t know if he still has a job in the uk. And I don’t know if he will move here for months or if this visit is the last. Every visit has had that feeling. There is only so long you can “enjoy the possibility to learn to live-in-the-moment” before the frustration mounts and it becomes almost unbearable.

I was reading some neurology earlier to soothe myself and remember my interest in mind-body links. Nothing like some physiology to calm things. I was reading into balance of sympathetic-parasympathetics. So here’s an interesting thing — when caught between inescapable choices, between approach-avoid, past the point of fight-flight, the system resorts to a last ditch attempt to avoid pain-death : a freeze-dissociation response. You get a comforting flood of endorphins and leave your body a bit, very helpful as the lion drags your body away to eat – and there’s always the slim chance if you look dead already a hungry predator might leave you alone.

Interestingly, reptiles are quite adept at this, but in our fuzzy mammalian systems its possible for this to back fire and everything up to sudden death result. This is how voodoo-curses work : in a tribal culture where a taboo has been broken and the individual shunned with the voodoo-mans bone-rattle, often they will go and lie down and die. This isn’t just some super enhanced placebo – this is the fear and panick of being rejected/cast out of a tribal group where lack of support and community equals death. The same sudden-death phenomena has been observed in “developed” cultures with people finding themselves in seemingly “life threatening” situations : problem with our smart mad-monkey mind is we can see loss of a house/huge debts/exam failure/divorce etc as life threatening, especially if its the last straw on top of a huge steaming pile of stress.

They key word in all this is : (perceived) helplessness. It can create an obsessive/spirallying/anxiety loop that keeps you awake at night amongst other things detrimental to mental-spiritual sanity.

This feeds into how I’m doing. My feelings for Jeff have only grown, despite everything, my longing to share my truth with him has led me to reveal more and more of myself and its hitting crazy transcendtal levels now. I’ve just about to grips with existing far apart, finding a routine to talk on skype, supporting each other and feeling our connection through long distance.

Him being physically around is wonderful but also brings home the whole so-near so-far problem to light. It becomes apparent how much I want to just live with him and yet its a lie – he has a life still in a whole other country. I find myself caught between wanting to approach : deepen love, hold to him, open up more and more… And avoid : because fucking hell this will hurt if it all falls apart. There’s burst of my excessive destroyer – rip it all up in a bloody mess, including myself. My excessive submission – give up, let go, cling on to him and become nothing but his shadow. What I struggle with the most is the helplessness. It stirs things from early childhood. Back then I dissociated and then ran away emotionally.

I’d rather not do this with Jeff. Its getting hard though. The last few days I find myself disconnecting at the smallest thing, trying to pull away and numb/diminish myself. He helps me by calling me back into my body and life. All this comes at a time of huge life transitions for me in my living and work.

In between the approach-avoid there is another way though, I can feel flashes of this, like getting a gasp of air as you struggle against drowning.

It involves growing into something bigger, fuller, more rooted to life. I have to foster my connection to the earth and nature or I will never been able to hold this. I sat outdoors earlier, feet on the earth, herbal smoke and coffee. Feeling the plants, green, birds, sky.

I am also forming a new relationship with my fierce-beast creature. I’m seeing there is more to her than raging destroyer, and that her actions can be aligned with Will and with Love. She is curled at the base of my spine, she wraps around my innocence like a black dragon and she has been becoming better at protecting and guarding what is white and pure. There is something else now — she is a spark of fire, narrowed eyes of determination and a level of fuck you world that I will need if I want to take on some pretty controversial issues.

I also see in her a deep and dark old wisdom, that sees the blood and death in life. As I woke her the other morning I had a sort of dream-vision of a black dog bitch nursing puppies that were a mix of blonde and dark. I and some other human were trying to collect the runt and get it back to the teats for feeding. To try and save it. But there was an overwhelming, strong yet calm and loving feeling of – NO, this is part of life, saving runts is disrespectful somehow, sentimental human mush.

So she is bringing me something new, if I allow her to grow and integrate. If I allow too her complement – the crying child in me that falls apart quaking in fear, bringing tears that wash and heal and soothe.

I had an excellent chat-session with a life coach yesterday that helped me acknowledge in the carrot-stick scheme of things, I do well with a few good sticks. I don’t like what happens to me when life is soft and easy. To the point I will destroy/make a mess for the sake of it/or diminish myself. What I’m finding is that there is a gift in my anger and drive — turning helplessness back into fight, into direction — that has at key moments transformed and catalysed my life in profound ways.

And there are plenty of positive sticks – things about the world, about pain, about disconnected people, about crap massages, about lack of touch, about negation of the role of shadow and dark and anger and fear to create positive life – that I can use to fuel and feed that fierceness. She has grown tired of being rage-filled and directionless. And she can destroy things beyond my own self-esteem and life plans.

I’m not sure yet what this turns into. But I do know that as I talk and feel into this it creates a spark of life-horniess that stirs and thrills me. I want to run and bark and howl at the moon. Grip life fiercely and feel blood in my mouth. Love with fierceness in my soul.

writing on the wall

I’m exploring strange parts of london on an unravelling quest for osteopathy-secrets. Getting some yoghurt jars from leathermarket I first of all found a wood worker/carver who invited me into his studio and showed me the oak trees he grows from acorns.

Then I stumbled across this on the wall —

“there are dark
shadows on the
earth but its lights
are stronger in the
contrast. Some men
like bats or owls
have better eyes for
the darkness than
for the light. We
who have no such
optical powers, are
better pleased to
take our last parting
look at the visionary
companions of
many solitary hours,
when the brief
sunshine of the
world is blazing full
upon them. C.D”

Conversation between emerging Man and Woman

I was sharing excitement at my Man’s unfolding.. Right now many things are in the balance but he chooses to grow and be stronger not run and hide..

‘Wanted to share this with you. Jeff is moving from being reactive and small to embracing his mastery and direction…..Anyway am proud of him…. for seeing him fight even if it doesn’t go anywhere.
Really loving seeing the masculine in the world, in him, in you, and in mike all in different ways. And learning how to embrace my feminine side in a deeper richer way’

Rama – “Yes! Part of being male is embodying the sword, in all it’s manifestations, whether through decisive vision or clear cut decision making. He will make the space for you to be truly female.
Days of fighting, and nights of love :)”

Then followed this awesome email, which prompted a response. I am proud of us, him and I are almost the same age exactly and I’m glad to be dancing on the planet together. We’ve known each other for 10 years now!

The Man (Rama-Mark) speaks :
“In short, a lot of the writings on the male come to the conclusion there is no singular manifestation of the male, there are only authentic, full expressions of the divine forces within. These forces are like suns – and as men, we stay within their warmth, but never moving to close lest we burn up in passion / desire / work or whatever. These suns have two shadow sides – an active, and a passive shadow. And these suns are created by the transformation of boy energies into man ones, usually by a catastrophic event or pain so unbearable it forces the mind to re-organise into higher structures to deal with it. And sure enough, the active and passive shadows from boyhood manifest in a slightly different way in men, but they are fundamentally the same thing. The goal as men is to live in the warmth of all these energies, and the sum total of them produces the king. I see a similar thing happening in you, and wonder if the feminine is initiated in a similar way, despite what we think about blood / menstruation. Perhaps there are many initiations, like there are for men, to move us into the psychological (and physical, if you think of mind body connection) space where our divine will/soul/whatever can act. Without divine will, we have no vision. Without initiation, no ability to see that vision. And without the balance of king, no way to implement it once know.”

Woman’s (my) response –

Wow this is amazing! I sat with a coffee (in my mother’s irish coffee cup) and read it slowly and took it in.

Jeff was going on about loving seeing me in the active and steady place I am right now — I cautioned him that I am at the active part of my cycle, and to love me fully is to embrace the whole circle dance.

I spoke a bit of the circle that women move in, how each month I go through life-death-rebirth, maiden-mother-crone, echoes of the larger circles of a woman’s life, and of nature. Femininity is circular. Is cycles within cycles and wheels within wheels. Lunar shifts and tides. I’m learning to flow and ride with it and communicate-integrate with all my aspects, the queen who embraces all with love and yet directs and nurtures, chooses through the mastery-will not so much a clear direction but an emotional choice. There are times when I feel all the currents at once, and I could choose to flow in the reality of fear and terror, or I could choose the reality of growth and fire. I see the power of choice among many rather than definintion/seeking for one/higher truth reality. They are all valid emotions-feelings-beings, they are all children of the body and of life.

In the centre of me is not a sun but a void and a spider. The fertile darkness and the weaver-creatrix. Drawing threads together and making something beautiful and deadly and life sustaining in one.

I read Joseph Campbell and the development of mythos many years back now. He spoke of the goddess religions that stuck people within circles and cycles, honouring the land and aligning with it — the stuff that certain hippies and feminists hark to and elevate. But we do not want the pendulum to swing back to that. The response of patriachy and male ascendence was in reaction to an overly female system. The circle traps and limits, there is little room for the creative drive and fight-strive of human individuation that came with the male creative force, the arrow or the sword of linear progress

What I seek is the combination of male and female. The circle plus the line combined together creates a spiral. Even better shapes form when the circle can expand and contract in pulsing life, and the line is not straight but allowed to peak and trough. The spiralling vortices that come from this are the energy of life itself. The rising birds on thermals, the unfolding ferns, the movements of galaxies.

This is the new way and it starts with our mission from years back, from our early twenties – our heart’s compulsion to feel and heal the hurt between men and women, to find a new way, a new partnership.

Yes I have had my initiations too, big ones and big cycles as well as many small ones each month. It isn’t just about bleeding and menstruating, but that is one of waves a woman can choose to ride on if she wills it. I see it not so much of a climb up a mountain now, or a sequence of stages, but a spiral, and an alchemical process of combustion, dissolution, pressure and release. Solve et coagula.

Already Jeff wonders at how I keep saying that I’ve worked out something I already said I’d worked out. I reassure him not to get frustrated or distrustful by it. It is how my psyche moves, I see different things at different times, I learn something new each stage of the spiral – from above it looks like I’m going in circles, but as long as I feel myself progressing and gaining from each loops round I know this is valid.

Ultimately I am coming only to embrace my own mystery. The portals and essence and pleasure and death inside me only unfolds fractal like into everything and nothing.

A man that can hold a space of will and presence can allow a woman to feel herself, and know herself more deeply too. A bright spark of coherance in the swirling emotions. The void contains the womb, the passage, the gate to life-death.

I still feel in myself the inner union of genders..for now though the dance is whirling the two of us apart into the opposite ends, but I feel our connection in it, like two lovers-dancers on the same ballroom floor, hands released and at the edges of the space, many people in between but with eyes still locked and a slight smile of knowing. I love you and I see you and I am warmed and thrilled by us.

See how your words went into my soul, and inspired such words out!

From he –
“know I have deeply read this, and see how clearly your own being is coming into your own view. The same is happening for me, in this great journey, we still move together in dance step, set in motion from that wintery January.”

I love my tribe, my life, my body and my adventures. Proud of us all, emerging into awesomeness.

wedding gift I'd never seen before.

wedding gift I’d never seen before.