Enjoyment, marriage, dancing into love not fear

Last night Rama-Mark, Jeff and I went out together to the Antichrist club birthday party. We looked hot! I was in love with my beautiful dark magical creature-man. In the week together, lots has happened and fears coming up to be addressed. Mark has been facing each fear head on and moving past it, really impressive. He had a fear about taking drugs as the last few times have been difficult for him. I suggested that he could have the other half of a pill I used for my self-love journey back in may, and that jeff and i could split the last pill.

After last weekends trials with the Ayuahuasca I was ready to do something fun, loving and I really wanted to share with them both the particular magic of being high in a place with music and lights and smoke and lasers. Antichrist is full of magical people dressed up expressing themselves and I feel that especially that the mix of light and dark is there it really does feel like my temple. The PVC fetish wear makes me feel like a priestess much more than hippy clothes 🙂

Mark wasnt sure till he got there which way he would go. He decided – yes. There was a horrible moment when I came back from the bathroom having split the pills up and realised i no longer had marks part. I went back retracing steps looking for a tiny piece of tinfoil and then was really happy to find it. We were set! The medicine had come via Emily, and was full of love and had been kept in a box of crystals 🙂

We enjoyed it very much! I loved the blend of moving into being and helping each other come into the experience. It took a while to really kick in for Jeff, he had to go through the “hmm maybe drugs just dont work on me anymore” feeling, but later on it did and he was looking around at the lights going WOW I see what you mean.

I love how this medicine helps things to be spoken clearly. I was able to sort through some challenges with Jeff, how really needed not just my weakness but the strength of my choice to be with him acknowledged. I went through some fearful places around my parents and my dad being proud/not proud of me. The big theme for me at the moment is really claiming full creative control on my own life, not following what is expected, from parents/culture/my earlier ideas. Challenges around having got this professional qualification and not wanting to actually BE that profession..not wanting it to be wasted time/effort/resource. Seeing though that if i really start creating my personal magic I can weave all these aspects in on my own terms.

I want to allow myself to follow my heart now, fully, and step into unknown realms.

Today I’m on my way to an old school friends’ wedding – my mother is coming along for the service, it’s at the church i grew up in, and the whole thing sort of symbolises the life that im not choosing right now. Oddly at AC there were a couple of women dressed in wedding dresses with collars on, and it helped me to look at them and say no, thats not what im being, not the final goal of my feminity.It’s not an easy groove to step out from especially when there is a sense of wanting my mother to celebrate my marriage and give her a grandchild and all sorts of weird stuff. To really claim that my life right now is going in a very different direction.

I’ve had lots of fear of really embracing it and i could feel how something new is trying to emerge in my heart but it is fragile and a bit uncertain.

What I’ve been missing is how Ive needed to claim and permit MY enjoyment with my life. Not for other people to feel good about. On the trip I had a point when i was trying to go over stuff with jeff and he told me no, now just look around and ENJOY this. He gave me permission and Iloved seeing him taking in his surroundings and life, exclaiming how he loved seeing all the people and their beautiful expressions of creativity. I love how he takes in the visual enjoyments, its different to what I do, and it opened up a new appreciation for me. I love how much my man wants to appreciate the world. Its no wonder his body wanted to reject the death-vine.

I found  a space where for a few moments i fully could see and take in what my life is right now aside from all the self-imposed projections/problems/requirements. I saw that i really have got awesome things and people and love around me, that the way i’m living is beautiful. That what’s been missing is that i’ve not allowed myself to really enjoy it. I saw how whilst I’ve been able to enjoy time touching and being touched with Jeff, I’d not been able to take in the bigger picture. I was lost in the details. He really needs to be enjoyed and that includes how he has made this time to come over to the uk and be here with me. It is vital that we create a few months now that are full of productivity AND enjoy it as we do so. Somewhere in me i really didn’t think i was allowed to enjoy my life, unless perhaps it ticked certain boxes or got approval.

I also dont need to rage at people who ARE getting married etc or dismiss them because i dont get to have it. At the wedding today I’m going to open my heart and celebrate with my old friend that she has chosen and found the life she wants, and to see the beauty in it without the bitterness i’ve felt somewhere in me when I’ve been at other weddings. And at the same time i will hold joy in my heart for the the life I am choosing and creating now. True art is not about looking a certain way.

Heart choice and return of the dragon

Last night, I still didn’t feel fully back after my Ayahuasca adventures. I was lying in bed with Jeff, feeling very flat and like the colour of life just hadn’t come back. I asked if he could help to call me back, and to feel my heart. It felt crushed, tight and knotted deep inside my chest. Body-energetically I felt a sense of a slow swinging from one side to another, almost like a pendulum. Jeff felt something too – he said ” It feels like there is a choice to be made, between two options. Whether you need love or not.”

Continue reading Heart choice and return of the dragon

Ayahuasca/DMT humanity nature and death

The following is notes and thoughts on my first experience with an ahyuasca journey, at least an attempt to put it into words.

My intent was simply to meet the plant and to do so without expectations and with respect. To be ready to listen and to learn. My words were – I am ready.

Also to reiterate an reoccuring choice
” I serve Life
I am Life
I will not be a channel of Fear
I choose to be here as a channel of Love.
Let myself relax into surrender to life and become art.”
Continue reading Ayahuasca/DMT humanity nature and death

Night of angst

The last post was just the start of a huge long sleepness (partly coffee and also anxiety) night of doom. Bits of talking to Jeff here and there mostly getting more distance and afraid and broken. It was horrible to do this to him when hes right now in the most stressful point of his life. But it seems that im also clearing/sorting as much as i can in preparation for his visit.

Out of all of this I saw that his darkness isnt something to be taunted, that it’s not a destroyer/sadist so much as going cold and withdrawing which is one thing that really fills me with fear. I can see the potential for abuse relationship in that connection, and what happens to my submissive side when she becomes afraid and is willing to change anything/do anything. I really started loosing the plot.

At some point in the wee hours of the morning I realised I just dont want to do wanky whore massages any more. It upsets jeff and it’s not anywhere close to my full potential. What i did yesterday felt like saying goodbye to it. I really dont want to go back. I can see how the guy manipulated me, how he got let into my heart because i so desperately want people to appreciate my natural massage, and thats where it started. But i wont look outside for that any longer. I saw that if i dont give my submission to jeff or myself then it will leak out somewhere, and more than submission what im really craving was someone just telling me what to do with my work.

I did manage to speak and reconnect really deeply to jeff this morning which was great for both of us. My life and my art is much better for this connection. It’s so much easier when i feel him inside me, i am still learning how to cherish and protect myself when im alone.

This morning the 8.30 am wanky massage cancelled and I had someone at 11.30 for 90 min “holistic massage”. He and i were blown away by what Ican really do. I was mixing massage, energy, fierceness, capactiy to feel all sorts of pain and then bring care and pleasure to his body and he was able to release ancient trauma and loads of it too — crying, fear, anxiety – lots. He was really impressed and greatful. I dont care i got less money, I loved this.

And I WILL integrate it together. That i can work on people’s whole bodies – i was touching around his perineum, groin, but not directly on the cock, is something rare, than i can mix pleasure in after being strong enough to vomit out trauma, all of this is amazing. Today i really felt like the shaman-massage-osteopath.

He gave me pointers for better places to advertise – something called mums.net – and it is all very encouraging to help me create a new form of work over the summer and then to fly.

The rest of the afternoon im having with mike as our last day together. He is going through waves of shock and trauma too, grief, denial, all of it, but he is looking for ways to move forward. I already spoke to him about needing space from him too. I think we will have some more emotional chats, and then steak for dinner.

Blood magic

My relationship-story-dance with Jeff has been full of uncertain futures and unknown outcomes. It’s certainly been a case of love in the moment. Finding the balance between that and commitment though, to carry through moments of fear and uncertainty, is quite tricky. For the last few months on the first day of my bleeding, I have used that as a marker point to decide if I want to continue and commit to what we are doing for another cycle and tgen use the blood to bind. The first time I did this it came from my deep submission and offering of myself to a true master…since then Jeff has owned some of his shadow and his capacity in that sense has dramatically developed, as has his capacity to influence my energy  and essence…and to be respected by me. I have a growing full trust in him like I’ve never felt before, along with a yearning sense to belong. It’s scary and exciting and beautiful. The next bleed came with intense magic and art and fierceness and I decided to claim and to enjoy our love in whatever shape it took. He left before the following cycle started, however Mark was around and we did some powerful magic between the Queen and the Warrior of baphomet. Mark witnessed me claiming that dark full love magic in a potent way, and I saw his determination and fear for his ritual to come. I’ve enjoyed feeling my growing queen-energy this month and having it witnessed by others too.

Now my bleeding comes again, I think this may have been the first full cycle that my man has been absent, that I have not felt his touch or his kiss, since we met. Although we took a couple of days to talk and reconnect a bit in these weeks of “silence”, we have had some full time apart and let the whole of our old pattern to fall away to make space for something new to grow in the summer when he arrives.

I thought that I would start bleeding tomorrow, when I’d have a chance to connect with Jeff and perhaps do some magic together with the blood. But it came a day early, on a day that’s important for him to focus on his daughter who is having a birthday, and on grief, and on his own death-as-approval-man and the full implications of what that means.

So instead I’m doing something else. I am typing this in the garden, sharing myself with life and nature. I saw a vortex on the ground and I’ve created art-magic around it – using stones and shells and pottery and other items I found around. It is based on a medicine-wheel, with colours for the directions, and in the centre I have put the first peace-lily flower from inside, that has started to brown and die, it looks caught between life and death. I will pour my blood into the vortex-art-magic, and this month shall be not about claiming just the love-relationship, nor even stepping into the Queen, but surrendering ALL into lifes-magic, honouring-renewing a vow I made almost 10 years ago to give myself to Life in service and in love. The difference now is I understand and see myself as part of this life and nature, and I approach her and myself with deeper care and love than ever before. I will for this next cycle, which carries me through the summer solstice, make commitment to life, this view of my self as part of life, to plant the seeds of life-death-rebirth magic and art. To be THIS woman who can enjoy her own company, who can hold all, and in this full connection I will embrace and welcome and cherish my man. In HIS full truth, pain, brokenness, hope, vision, ALL of it, all of him, all of life and friends and loves and tribe.



Promise for this month : I will not run any more  from my strength, my power, or my potential. I will hold and care for
my weakness and fear, but carry her forward with me into the world and life I’m ready to birth. I want to create a life with love in the centre.