magicalbookfindI lost myself for a while. Through the alchemy of my love-dance with Jeff I’ve burnt through, embraced, enjoyed, deepened and been challenged. In the last few weeks though destructive patterns have surfaced and it’s been emotionally very draining and difficult. We came to a point of remembering that we want to create a life with enjoyment in it… I just read my last post going on and on about it. Takes a while for the implications to sink in.
I’ve been having to grow, from a girl to a woman. The love with Jeff has been unlike anything else, feelings woken up and shaken through me. Fantasy and illusion as much as truth and joy. The last week I’ve felt strong enough to start really looking at the difficult things, and seeing if I can accept them or not.
I have noticed myself falling again and again into an anxiety ridden world of unsafety and uncertainty. Feeling lost and caught in a storm with nothing to hold on to. Clinging to jeff only drags us both down. What characterised the start of our love was a sense of growing and becoming more together, of feeling beautiful and whole. Lately I’ve hated what I’ve seen come out of me, the insecurity, emotional clingyness, destructive demanding patterns. My friends have noticed me loosing my sparkle and i have found levels of stress returning beyond anything I felt when alone.
I’ve been properly splitting from mike and grieving him and the certainty of his enduring vision for us. I’ve had him in the background since I was 17. Even if the box became emotionally abusive and limiting it was still a box and sometimes it’s nice to have a box to sit in. I saw how unhealthy it was for him to make me the central purpose of his life, and yet it does feel really good to have someone do that for you. I could see myself putting jeff in that same box and the depth and intensity of the emotions and the vulnerability that comes with it was leading to huge emotional panick.
Initially I had to make big efforts to break out from a world with only one person in it, to reach back to my friends and make time to see them. Especially the women friends. But i found every time I saw them, even if just for an hour, strength returned and emotions resolved or became clear. Last night I spent the whole evening and night with Emily, and I loved this female time, with someone I deeply love, to see I can enjoy touching someone else and feeling cared for.
Sleeping near her I felt emotions come up that there is no room for around Jeff, emotions of dissapointment, of sadness, of dawning realisations of the reality of our situation.
This morning I sat on the step of their house and started to cry. Tears of a girl who for the last year has made one man and one love the centre of her life. It felt so good to do that. I have spent a year swinging between waiting for him and being with him. Actually I’ve spent many many years waiting, waiting for a man to be there, waiting for attention, waiting to be cherished. Waiting for a man who I genuinelly loved and wanted to create a life with. I’d actually convinced myself I wasn’t capable of feeling monogamous desire for a man, or wanting to hold a relationship as my main reason and creative purpose. And then I found that man, found the man I wanted to make a life with, a home with, a family with….all the feelings came into me and the pain of not being able to have that is something I didn’t want to look at.
In the first few months he was living with me it was possible to pretend, to sort of squint a bit and imagine we were in a “normal” relationship and I could have all of it. But it’s not true and even though my mind couldn’t accept it my emotions knew.
Right now I’m grieving the end of that fantasy. I WANTED to make that man the centre of my life. I wanted us to “have a life together”. You know with the family and all of it. But that just isn’t what we are, or what we can be. We are on an adventure together, but I don’t know where it goes or for how long. It hurts to let go of this.
I feel that by clearing out the illusion I’m making space for something bigger and hopefully better. That what is going in the centre of my life now is a vision not of one man, but of creating a life I enjoy being in. That could take many many shapes. Can include other people and loves. As is grounded back in my own body and being, in nature, in fiercess and love.
I’ve had to set Jeff free from my own clinging desires. It’s his time to create and to flow and to feel freedom like he’s never had before. My yearnings to create a home don’t fit. Our material situation isn’t easy or simple – money, time, location, different nationality, visas, age. I wanted to pretend and i was doing quite well at pretending but now i need to and am ready to look at the physical truths.
To enjoy this relationship for what it actually IS and could be means really getting past what it isn’t. I have to fight a bit my desire to shut down and withdraw in fear sadness and dissapointment. My only choice is to recentre in this fierce woman-ness that has her own magical authority, that is creative and respected. That is full in herself. And that woman can dance with a man for enjoyment not for purpose.
All the same…I mourn the loss of the fantasy feelings. The complete devotion and willingness to surrender all else and to make a relationship the centre. It was so beautiful it makes me cry. It was something I never thought I could even feel and I’m not sure if I will feel again.
I am ready to bring realistic perspective, saturnian limits and truth. Allow the heavyness as much as the light and let it ground me. I am feeling….not lost but also not sure where I am going next or what I create. I feel both really strong and really vulnerable. This is a new stage and it feels truth ful. I feel wobbly like a new fawn but with the inner determination and knowing I’m growing into a stag.
Tonight I’m going out dancing the new moon with two women. I can’t see what the future can be now. I want to become strong and to make space for something really awesome.
Edit….found a magical book ha! Happened as I left emily.