Thoughts on the marriage manifesto

I found this today on a blog. It doesn’t take long to read so thought I’d send it to you.
There are some parts of it I really like, and also a lot that pisses me off. But I thought it would be good to read to start seeing how other people have rethought about marriage etc. This guy does talk about marriage being a transformational event, rebellious and inspiring, about not taking it for granted or seeing it like a consumer product. Being truthful and vulnerable.
But what pisses me off is this sense that he is accepting a sort of limited Artistic Vision, I have the sense he has found a way to create the best you can with a marriage that you are in for life. Accepting the messiness of it. I also keep reacting to his stuff about being  a loser and giving up your ego.
To me though it highlights just how well we are doing and how I don’t see marriage as a thing to fix stuff etc — actually for both of us it is a big challenge around even claiming those words. Also how amazing our love is – that is IS romantic, and true, and soulful. Also his words on being a loser and accepting mess REALLY PISS OFF MY ARTIST SIDE. That and the Alchemist!!!
I don’t WANT to accept living in messyness – and just leave it alone like it doesn’t matter. I want to accept it, and then USE it for ART. for transformation into BEAUTY and GOLD. and that is JUST what we have been doing so far and it is REALLY important to me. I love how we want to make Art with each other!
Something that I  AM surrendering though — is that sense of my life being entirely about ME and my single thread of artistic vision.  (This perhaps is what the author is trying to get at?) Other people either support it or get in the way of it, or become woven into it under my rules. I think that this IS something I want to “sacrifice” on the marriage altar. Because with you, I am changing my life and giving up things in order to also consider your art and vision, and so we can co-create things together…BUT the amazing thing with us is that feeling that you identified — that somehow we actually help each other grow into bigger, fuller creatures and art than we can ever be alone. this isn’t the same as filling gaps. I will not sacrifice my Life’s artistic vision NOR expect you to do the same. But I AM willing to sacrifice the elevation of my own single artistic vision beyond all else – the idea that only I can create the picture that is my life. I WANT to open myself to a bigger vision — to let life itself create through me, to let your art mix with mine – to let you choose the colour of the spheres you paint on me. That really IS key – to claim a life of bigger art, of art that stretches beyond just myself. To see that you can influence me that deeply and yet it is still MY art. To celebrate and welcome our dance, to be able to influence and call to and create with you. To just see what happens when we are fully together, co-creative artist-alchemists.
I’m not sure if this is something you can understand or want it. I perhaps project my own independent suspicions on to you – the feeling that you want to keep separate and aloof from me, to keep your art safe. But actually, I remember and treasure those deep moments of excitement we have had when we create and make things happen together – food or art or something else. When it feels like the world is opening up into a new shape.

Respect and the Queen

The Queen knows intrinsically that she is worthy of Respect – she need not make demands or plead to others  for respect – it is more that she moves through the world taking respect as a given. Only those that treat her respectfully are even allowed into her throne room, let alone her bedroom. When she walks through the outer kingdom it is with her guards protecting and watchful.

Her immediate reaction to disrespect is not anger or sadness – as she knows it is not hers to deal with, but the emotions of another lashing out in her direction. Holding a powerful archetype means you become a visible hook for other people’s frustrated projections – this needs to be accepted and managed. The Queen stays grounded and compassionate in these cases, letting it flow around her and not taking it on. She responds in the middle ground, calm, direct, simply refusing to take it on, holding herself in her truth. Not crying. Not tantruming or being aggressive back.

I have to watch for the Witch-Queen in me – she is the Queen that will listen, take things in, act with haughty disdain perhaps then go back to her dark castle and brew lethal counter-attacks. The Witch has better things to do with her darker magic. Not lashing back to others, but looking with the inner eye to what in herself and her own life can be destroyed, putrefied, ended, cut. She is the Crow that understands how to be nourished by endings. She may help others with her darker magic but only with their Will and Permission.


Respect has nothing to do with always being Right or always being the Best. It is about the Integrity to hold yourself , consistently and with a fierceness that is reliable and trustworthy. Respect and Accept  – these go together somehow. There has to be acceptance of difference, which includes recognising what you need to have in your life to maintain a level of SELF respect.

I am having to learn and grow in this area. Love for self is not enough. Self Respect is key. I still feel a fledgling when it comes to respecting. I only have lately developed a level of awareness of Other enough to come to see how these interactions flow and not to take everything personally, like a child. I am blind to places where I’m not being respected if I’m being shown love – Mike being the case in point. I looked back at posts from 13 years ago describing the start of patterns that STILL continue — I’m pulling up all the roots now, wanting to clear and challenge and sort my life out before the next stage.

I changed my boundaries in my massage work initially out of respecting Jeff’s Will – driven by fear of loosing him. Over time that changed to respect for him and for our love. And NOW it has coalesced into respect for the Art I am creating. As he kept saying – why do you let people trample and piss over your beautiful art? It’s because I didn’t see how to respect it. Now I do.

So I’m using this – Respect for Art – as my focus and fulcrum. I take my own (still growing) self-worth out of the equation by appealing to something beyond myself – something that matters. I have offered myself to Life’s Art. I respect Life – and if I mean to be part of it, I have to keep my end clean. And slowly, the way I treat and feel about myself weaves in with that respect, I feel the Queen forming – she-who-is-to-be-respected, who is embedded in Life. Queen of her own Domain.

There is no room for Mike and his comfort-blanket love in this world. He clings to a vision from the past, and to step into that even for a moment means becoming diminished and withdrawn from the truth you have poured so much love, life and effort into. Just accept it. Just accept it and see it is not yours to fix. Just accept it with compassion. Sit on your throne in silence if you need to. Your smallness does not belong with this man anymore. His heart is not your responsibility. His heart is not your responsibility. His life is not your responsibility. Let him make his own art. Take yourself away, declare what he needs to be to approach your throne, or he has to wait outside. He has no right or hold on you. You are only responsible for yourself and the way you walk on this Earth.