aaa.. I love the approach of autumn, sunny september days. The university grounds are beautiful at the moment, golden sunshine that is still warm, the leaves just starting to turn to reds and yellow. Perhaps it also brings back some nostalgia as even though it was over 3 years ago(!) I was at university this time of year reminds me of the start of a new term (and thus the escape from home and office life!)
anyway..the days shorten, madness and activity of summer calms down, and I start to think about what I want to let go off this year. Autumn to me is both a time of harvest (at the start) and gathering together, plus a cleansing, getting rid of toxins and general approaching towards the death and darkness of winter. I enjoyed winter last year by spending a lot of time being indoors cooking meals, sharing company of friends, watching films and talking. Also intense studying of anatomy and working on my massage!
Last year, around November I decided to give up caffeine. Great. The only thing was I intially started getting chocolate cravings, AND because of the company I was keeping at the time, started low-scale pot smoking instead. I got bored of this, and looking back it DID fuck around with my mind and judgement and definitely my sleep. And I love my sleep. I gave up on that quite a few months ago now but lingering on was the nicotine addiction which has very slowly and subtley twisted itself round my brain, along with alcohol. Don’t get me wrong – I wasn’t being a piss-head and I was only averaging 1 cigarette a day, or short period of smoking and then stopping again. The two are linked though – drink and then smoking seems like a better idea.
Non-smokers often don’t get why the fuck people want to smoke when it’s so bad for you. The truth is, that it feels really good; especially if you tend towards stressing. And personally I have to say that part of me is self-destructive and enjoys the fact it’s bad. Plus there is so much ritual tied into it – the lighting, inhalation, concentration on something physical for a few seconds. And to some extent a social thing.
BUT I’m getting sick of it now. And I’ve realised that really, I’m kidding myself to say it’s ok if it’s just 1 a day..plus that’s easy to become 2..3..4. Anyway it’s not even the fact that people tell you “smoking kills” etc..of course it does, but then life does too. Or even that I’m ashamed of it, or think it’s evil. What I DONT like is the addiction side of it. This is what’s driving me to say “fuck all this”. I told myself that I wasn’t smoking enough to get addicted but that’s not true at all. The last 10 days or so has included quite a bit of smoking and what I find is that when it’s been 12+ hours I start thinking about having a cigarrette constantly and it’s driving me up the wall. I gave it up for perhaps a day but in the end I felt moody, PMT-like and depressed, but what depressed me even more is when I had a cigarette and it all lifted…fuck! so much for ‘not being addicted’! It’s like being stuck in some stupid infatuation relationship.
I think the mind LOVES having patterns to get stuck in. There is an addiction to being addicted to anything, at least for myself. I’m trying to let go of romantic addictions at the moment, worrying addictions, stress addictions – to allow me to bring all my energy together and focus it on where it needs to go. I catch myself thinking about smoking and I wonder how much mental effort and energy am I using up thinking over and over it. It would go away if I smoked of course!!
The other thing I dont’ like about smoking is that you build up tolerance to it. Part of the reason I could just have one a day, or every few days is basically as a treat – because the first one feels REALLY good; after that it’s just more the actions, motions, and perhaps to sustain it. But after a while your brain physically changes and you have to have more to get that effect.
My attitude towards ALL drugs is — they have good effects and side effects. Weigh up the balance and make your choice. I’ve quite enjoyed smoking actually but I really am getting sick of the addiction aspect. And I want to stop before it just gets worse and more habitual.
ha ha so I decided to give up the smoking habit – but at lunch to cheer me up I got some caffeinated coffee instead — swings and roundabouts!! I also was tempted to start stuffing myself with cakes instead…ah another addiction… 🙂
Aside from all that, I’m building up the intention to do a serious health drive; mental, physical, spiritual — in October start the gym, yoga, pilates, tai chi — make time for nature, make time for drawing, start meditation again. Now I’ve been releasing relationships, worrying, stressing I have the resources to do all this. I also want to get myself in shape to put some serious focus and drive into my massage – I have some cunning plans but they need SERIOUS dedication. I’ve not focused myself for a long time, indeed another addiction of mine is procrastination. I also am keen to develop into energy work, shamanic journeying and so on – I do think for all this the cleaner you can get your body and mind the better. I did this before in my final year at uni and felt the best I’ve ever done — and I was still addicted to caffeine at this point. How much better can it get??
I’m not intending to become an annoying health freak tho, as I believe that occasional bad stuff is good, or at least stressing about stuff is worse than any drug really.
Next, I would like to get addicted to exercise, that and drawing.