Notes/Thoughts on Marriage and being a Wife

I finally know the difference between pleasing and loving, obeying and respecting. It has taken me so many years to be okay with being different, and with being this alive, this intense.”

Eve Ensler


I had a good day off, enjoying London in the sun and talking with a shamanistic friend Cathryn about marriage, belief structures, various other things.

So part of the handfasting means declaring each other as husband and wife. This is needed to make things legal, and it means looking directly at : can I say those words and have them full of Truth? I’ve also been going through struggles and questions about telling my parents, getting their approval, not being a disappointment.

Although I don’t want my parents at the handfasting itself, I’ve grown past the girl who just reacted against them and ran away. Actually it’s important for me to have my parents involved somehow – there IS a sense of release of the daughter from the father to another man, and wanting some sort of celebration with my mother – I had some thoughts on how to express to them what we are doing, my fears and my longing for them to be involved in a way that fits with them.

I thought deeper into what marriage to Jeff means in relation to my parents and family.

Embracing this life with Jeff means –

– That I am not following the footsteps of my mother OR reacting against her

– that I consciously chose to be with a man who is not at all like my father.

What I struggle to accept right now is that there is any way my parents could approve or be happy. What does it mean to be Jeff’s wife? I need to think about this as I wonder that part of his proposal needs to ask this head-on….. It is as if I’ve made a proposal to do with the inner, mystical aspects – the wolf mate and the magical adventure partner – the things that are not seen by many. But on the outside world, the human realm, we will be seen as wife and husband. Can that be true? How do we feel about that?

This is something to get clear on, not just ignore. Because we could claim everything to do with the Orkney ritual without the legal wedding part if we wanted. But – I know I want something more than that. I want our union to be seen by the human-legal realms as well.

What is key -:that our true desire, love and art – that this permeates all the way through, from magical wolf mates to husband and wife — even if it’s our own take on what those words mean.

When I know how that part works – the convention legal marriage part – when I feel the truth-art going all the way through to husband-wife, then I will know more easily how to declare and explain it to my parents.


Some initial notes/tries

“We want to have a celtic handfasting wedding, which we see as a form of marriage that combines commitment and freedom, that allows us to enjoy our true love and togetherness now whilst acknowledging the possibility of change and growth in the future.

The tradition of hand fasting comes from the idea of a trial marriage, the couple commit for a year and day…etc

something about : we want a marriage where – We are as free to leave it as we are to enter it, so our being married always stays as a conscious choice we make together. We are committed to supporting each other’s truth and growth, wherever that might lead or however that might look.

Each year we can ask again, with a chance to renew, change vows, or part on good and friendly terms?


Jeff has trauma from his divorce, and we both have reactive issue with the words husband and wife. But today I let my mind quiet and my soul feel and speak. I put aside my judgement and asked, if I could define it any way I wanted, what would these words mean? I would love to ask Jeff this question and see what he creates.

So now some words from my poet’s soul :

What is it to be a Wife?

To be a Wife is an expression of devotion and belonging with one man and love. It is not a girl dream but a woman reality.

It is a creative act, of leaving the parent-family-home and beginning a creation of your own structure and life. How that looks is up to us.

To be a Wife is to step out of the pool of open availability to all men. To be claimed in a way that other men can see. I want that. It is nothing to do with bagging a provider-man. It is a declaration of devotion and courageous will to love.

It is not for the wolf or the witch – it is for the woman emerging in me. The virgin : one-in-herself, pure of spirit and clear of other’s desires – including her parents and family/cultural expectation.

This woman wants to be his. The woman and the beautiful-servant. Part of my Life’s-Art is a longing for expressing devotion, nurturing, serving, co-creating  and supporting.

She longs for a husband who is one-in-himself and clear on his place in the world, like a strongly rooted tree she can shelter under, a bright star to guide her way. He is considerate and attentive, giving only when there is a smile in his heart as he does so – not shackled, used, or providing from forced obligation.

He values how she adds to his life, enjoys her beauty and gives room for her power. Every morning his heart fills with joy to wake next to her softness, he delights in his closeness to her, he looks forward to their bed at night.

Theirs is not a connection of grasping need but an overflowing of abundant Love-that-Supports – themselves and each other.

Through challenge and in joy, their love only grows. They laugh and listen, hold in silence, adventure together.

Theirs is a connection of devotion. Not blind, but born of respect, a commitment of choice, caring for and holding their love like a  garden in which Life is nourished and welcomed.

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notes for a new aeon